a tweet of mine

"When growing in life their are speed bumps, it's just a matter of hitting them at the right speed and not breaking your car"

An old Poem

Speech for TBTN

Right now I'm working on my speech for TBTN. I took my vicodin because I'm in so much pain and it seems to be helping me a lot which is nice. I can think now which is great but then I'm mistyping a lot more now :p. Anyways I'm a little unsure of how to go about this speech. I know that they probably want to know my story, but what else are they exactly looking for? I have a lot to offer, its just a matter of getting it down. I can "say" some great stuff in my head when I'm not doubled over in pain. but again its getting from my head to the paper. I've tried Angela Shelton's recommendation of mind mapping for my book and for this speech, but just a second ago I did pretty well without a map. I just pictured myself actually at the event, with everyone there and just went with that. Though I did not go into my story. That is still one of the hardest things for me to do. Yes, I've shared my story many times, but not all at once and in great great detail. I make it more like a grocery list, like yes he did this this and this to me with no emotion attached. Like I need eggs, milk and bread. That is what a therapist told me once (that it was like a shopping list). But I do know how to connect with survivors because I do it all the time, and unfortunately, I don't have enough time to do it so some people feel horrible when I have to not talk to them as frequently as I did when they first came to me as a friend ( which is all I am - I am no professional). But I am trying to spread myself around so I can help everyone. That is why I kind of have stopped one on one and moved more to just blogging. Anyways that was a tangent. Yes, I feel uneasy and super excited about my speaking engagement along side Kim Lee Smith and Angela Shelton this Spring. I just hope I can pull it all together and deliver it well.

I know I will be talking about my theory on light and how everyone is born with it and how it never goes away. See my light post by clicking on light under lables. And I also want to talk about going from survivor to thriver, but I also want to acknowledge the truth of the hardships we have and still will go through, but how we have and still will come out stronger because of it.

Now what?

So I feel like I've taken that step from trauma world to joy jet. But it all still feels a little weird to me. After living in trauma world for over 7 years I guess it is very understandable to be a little shaken by the move but I'm so happy at the same time. It just feels so good. I don't feel like I HAVE too face it every day. Any thing I do is my choice, and I can focus my efforts on helping others instead of myself. But I am a little scared of this new world. Ever since I was little I never wanted to try anything new because I didn't know how it would turn out even if I thought it would be better. I was comforted by consistency and knowledge of what was to come. Though I know I am a stronger woman now and I CAN do this because so many other great women have done this and have inspired me to do so, so I must. Not only for myself, but for all the other women that follow in my foot steps.

Thank you to all the women(and some men!) who have inspired me

Teen Dating Abuse....

Old video - Breathing tech.

Having anxiety? Lets breathe together...

Old Nightmare help out video

Having a nightmare? This might be useful...

Speaking Engagement!

I am happy to announce my first speaking engagement! It is on the East Coast and I will be on the stage along with Kim Lee Smith, and Angela Shelton! I can not wait for spring! It is at a TBTN event at on a college campus. Woot!!! I must practice practice practice! I will try to record it for you all

Poem of Light

Meditation Video

An old meditation video.....to help with anxiety and much more!

PTSD video

This is a video I shot a while back that I wanted to share again for those new to my stuff...

What do you want to hear from me?

At the bottom of this message you can leave a comment saying what you would like me to talk about! Since I'm trying to post something EVERY DAY I need some questions etc that you all normally shoot to me on email or facebook to come this way so I can share it with everyone so everyone benefits from my answers! PTSD, Art therapy, self abuse, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, anything just ask and I will do my best! Remember I am not a professional in anyway ;) I hope you all are doing well!~Sydney

To those who haven't learned how to love themselves YET

To those who haven't learned how to love themselves YET,

I will love you like you should and will love you after you do learn how,
I see your pain and anguish and wish for it to go away,
But I understand where it came from and where it finds its nourishment,
I only hope I might guide you to a new path of light and freedom of love.
A love of no expectation, no fear of loss, only growth of sincerity.
I think of you as I was once in your shoes and hope you will follow the path I made for you.

No man can make you feel whole inside
Nor can a blade make you feel alive
What you need is the warmth of love
The kind you have not been aware of.
Yes it is scary at first but you do not have a curse
some day someone will love you
just open your eyes and soon you'll realize
the're already surrounding you.

Affiliate Program

If you are interested in purchasing any of Angela Shelton's products look to the right and click on either the workbook or the other store links! I love her stuff and I will be on the same stage with Angela this spring Woot!

From Angela Shelton: Thank you to the good men!

Happy Valentine’s Day to All the Good Men in the World. I Love You!

by ANGELA SHELTON on FEBRUARY 13, 2010 · COMMENTS
in LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS


This is to all the good men out there. I wrote a post about the freaks and creeps but wasn’t talking about you. I know many of you good men out there and this is the shout-out to you. Hallelujah for you. Thanks for being patient. Thanks for putting up with us. This is to all of the good fathers I’ve met, my adopted BACA dads, my adopted dad Jake, the men who made sure of it that I ate and had a roof over my head, the loves of my life (the good ones), male feminists, men working to protect kids, male survivors in the trauma movement, my mentors, all the men who made it possible for women like me to move forward in this world and the good men stuck in this strange time in between when you ruled the roost with your fist to watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. It’s hard for you good guys sometimes. Thank you to all of you who are in touch with your inner feminine, who understand that times are shifting and who roll with it and remain good men.



And to my love, I’m sorry for all the times I acted like a crazy beeeeach. Thank you for making this world a better place by being in it. Thank you for your patience and belief in me. Thank you for understanding that I’m dedicated to a mission and a cause. Thank you for not giving me grief for farting in bed. Thanks for nurturing my lower back issues and taking your time with me. Thanks for learning new ways of thinking and doing. Thanks for doing things like Ariel dancing playshops with me. Thank you for giving me my space to travel on my own. Thanks for being secure and confident in yourself and not holding it against me when I’m submerged in work and you don’t hear from me for days. I love you. I appreciate you. I think you’re mighty fine and I love that you’re in my life. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Image by Hiking Artist - another good guy!

The opening of the Winter Olympics 2010

Last night I was with friends watching the Winter Olympics opening ceremony and I really liked it. I loved how they really incorporated their countries culture into the entire ceremony. I especially enjoyed the aboriginal (as they stated) cultures. They are so beautiful.

Anyways if you were watching last night at the end of the ceremony when they light the coldren they had technical issues with one of the pilers for the coldren which would have made a total of 5 pilers. I believe the coldren was supposed to represent an artistic representation of the Olympics rings symbol if you are to look down from the sky onto it as they did- but since the fifth piler was not there it did not look right. BUT THIS IS ALL MY INTERPRETATION AS AN ARTIST. I know nothing of the artist or person who actually designed this. Just thought I would share this so it might give the coldren more meaning.

I hope everyone is doing ok as 49 of the 50 states had snow yesterday. I have no heat right now and we have plumbing issues *ewww! Remember when shoveling snow to always bend your knees and not to twist your back! :D And take frequent breaks and watch for ice. The ER's are experiencing more traffic because of the increase in snow/ice related injuries so lets not be one of them :)

Do you have problems when you see a person that looks very similar to your abuser?

Do you have problems like anxiety when you see someone that looks similar to your abuser(s)? I know this can be a very big issue for some people. It affected me also. When I was in college I was in a class and their was a guy in the class that looked very similar to mine and it really freaked me out. But now looking back I was testing my strength as a warrior and the power of my light.

I have not yet spoken of the power and importance of light. This is something that is very near and dear to my heart.

I believe that;

Everyone is born with this light (similar to a flame).
This light can never be lost as it is yours forever and no one can take it away. It is inside of you.
I fully recognize that this light during hard times may seem so faint that you might not be able to recognize it, but since it is forever burning, even if it is just an ember, you can rekindle your light and watch it grow.

I learned through pushing myself beyond my comfort level that I could handle these very uncomfortable situations. Yes at points I had to leave the room, but I did not think any less of myself because I was doing such a big thing by facing this fear of mine. By facing this fear I was also helping my light grow and therefore helping myself heal. So I know it might be uncomfortable, to the point of panic attacks, but you might consider just trying it and seeing how it goes remembering that if you leave it is completely ok. Yeah I said OK :). When I'm in anxiety provoking situations I make sure to use as many tools as I can ( see doctor appointment post) and or carry something small that is comforting like a stone or a ring that means something to me that I can concentrate on when I panic.

Vegan Soaps

I found this person on twitter and I love her stuff! She makes vegan soaps that are amazing. Check them out here.

A day off Woot!

Today is my day off and I'm loving it. I'm still in my pj's and that is just peachy. I have some exciting news to share with you as soon as I get the a ok to share the details but its about my speaking engagement! Right now I feel like my head is disconnected but I am trying to make a post on this blog every day. So I want to say thank you to all of the Angela Shelton's out there, the Army of Angels, and all my followers and friends. :Huggles: Thank you so much for going on this journey of wellness.

P.S. You can comment on any of my posts

Just wanted to let you know you can comment on any of my posts by clicking on the pencil on the bottom of each post. Also feel free to become a follower by clicking on the follow button on the right hand side of the blog :) Have a great day!

Dealing with Scary Doctor Appointments

So your scared about an up coming doctors appointment. Tomorrow I have 2! One of them I am really not looking forward to but hopefully by the end of this post we will be able to deal with them a little bit better. First off let me tell you about one of my last doctor appointments

NOTE VERY TRIGGERING/SCARY so read with caution*******
At one of my last doctor appointments I had a person go in with me that I love and well used to trust a lot more. Then that said person decided to start telling my story to the doctor when I did not really want it to be said because sometimes I think it can greatly affect the doctors judgement unfortunately because many doctors are uneducated. Well I started answering some questions that the doctor had about when everything happened, how long it occurred. Then the doctor started to ask some pretty graphic details that were in NO WAY RELEVANT TO MY MEDICAL TREATMENT. HE wanted to know if a certain thing that happened (I was strangled) was a sexual thing like a turn on or another thing. He wanted to know waaaaaaaaay to many specific details. Looking back now it kind of reminds me of the perps that come into the chat rooms to get off on our stories and stuff you know that Angela talks about?? Anyways he "then was like well why didn't you tell anyone? And kept pressing and pressing that. I told him in a calm tone like I talk when I "counsel"(but I do not counsel ppl I just am a friend) people that I could not. He kepted pressing wanting to know more. Then I finally said. "I am not going to say anything else as I don't see the relevance of this and my medical disability." He continued to push and said "Well maybe next time you will feel more comfortable and share more.

Share more my ass! You are NOT in the mental health field. And guess what everyone. I talked to my psychologist today and he has heard about this doctor before and this is not the first time something like this has happened. Now my friend thinks that the doctor is great and wants me to go back and doesn't even want to speak of the subject which is really hard for me, but after my psychologist is like "hum NO" I think its best that I not go back to that doctor. What I want to know is there anything legally wrong with what he did???????? Anyways I have an appointment with that same facility tomorrow morning and I am SOOOO not looking forward to it but my pain is so great that I am going just to see what the other person in the facility can do. My psychologist has already given me a new name for a great new doctor so I hope they have room for me and can also treat my pain. Moving on now
********************

So how are we going to deal with this? First off we must gather all the tools we can to control our panic. No matter if we are going to a great doctor or a crappy one we are going to need our tool set in order to get what we want out of the appointment. We are all Angels here so we can do that!!

Yes it does sound scary building a tool kit.... wrenches, pliers, hammers, nails, maybe even some super glue when all else fails but all you have to remember is you just collect one piece at a time. Simple as that. Once you have a tool you have it forever.

Some examples of tools that I have are as follows; Angela Shelton's tapping techniques (see Tapping in this blog), music, positive imagery, art, breathing techniques, fellow survivor friends, journaling, medications,healthcare professionals, friends, the art of preparing and sooo much more. Don't worry, your tool box will always be big enough to hold all the tools you collect, its awesome like that ;)

Now what we do when we go to these big bad soon to be much easier doctor appointments is we pull out tools that we can use in these specific situations. Let me give you an example.....

Well before setting up an appointment with a doctor.....

1. Ask your friends for a reference(tool: ......friends- they might know better who would be a better fit for you?)
2. Ask other healthcare professionals for a reference(tool:...... healthcare professionals- they usually know who is good and who is not in the area and if they know you well enough might be able to match your personality traits if you ask for that)

The night before a doctors appointment.....

1. I gather all of my medical records (tool used: the art of preparing.... reduces anxiety)
2. I write down on a piece of paper things I want to cover in this doctors appointment or I am worried about (I have a paper already made that says what I am worried about, signs and symptoms, what happened at the last visit, things I want to talk about, what actually happened at the visit, what I want to talk about next time) (tool used: again the art of preparing..... reducing anxiety
3. I leave all of this stuff in a folder or notebook out so I know exactly where it is for the next day(tool: the art of preparing.... reducing anxiety)
*4. If I don't know where the doctors office is I search for directions and include that in the notebook/folder (tool:the art of preparing... reducing anxiety)

Day of appointment

1. Grab your premade folder(tool: the art of preparing)
2. If you like music play some music on your way there or I love to bring some head phones and listen to my favorite music in the waiting room which is I think the worst part (tool:........ music- distraction!!!!)
3. In the appointment use your piece of paper talking about everything you want to cover/ that is concerning you. If you choke up you can even hand that piece of paper to the doctor and they can read it if you so choose. I've done that! (tool: the art of preparing)
4. If you are prescribed medications take them (as directed) For example I have a prescription for xanax, so I take it when I need it, which many times is a doctors appointment. Again only take as directed by your prescribing doctor. I am not a doctor. (tool:......... medication)
5. After the appointment when you get home (anytime) feel free to process in a journal or in art how you feel about what happened in the appointment. (tool: ..............journaling & art- reduces stress levels
6. Feel free to also take a bath with sea salts. I sell my own special "Milk, Oat and Honey Sea Salts" because I love it so much!(tool............. so much more you can do!)

I found my sword!

Hello! Look what I found today! WOW. Now this weather that I am not used to has been very difficult to get around but man.... this might be worth it! I wonder what it means from the fact that it is ice... hum.... will have to ponder on that one.

p.s. Chuck is on TV tonight!!! Anyone else watching??

A painting for Hawk Dances

Guess what??! I am using my artistic talents (I am an artists, - I sell my work at small art shows) to help raise money and awareness for BACA and Hawk Dances. I already have a sketch in my head of the layout of the painting and Angela Shelton is going to auction it off! How great is that! I am thinking I will share the birth process of the painting from sketch to finish product. It takes a long time to produce a quality painting. Some of my art pieces has had over 72+ labor hours of work put into them and it isn't even done yet. This one I expect about 30-40 hours depending on how long research takes. Funny thing is one of my best works only took me 2 hours and costs $350. I think it has to do with the love that is put into your work. I've got a lot of love to give so hopefully it will show. I am usually an abstract artist but for this work I am going to go in a more traditional direction. I can't wait to share it with you!

ps. something funny. That piece of work that is worth $350 I did at 2am in the morning when I couldn't sleep and was having nightmares. Go figure. ;p haha

Hawk Dances

Please donate you money to Hawk Dances. It is NOT a non profit. All money is considered a gift to the movie. It is a feature film about Chief a member of BACA (Bikers Against Child Abuse) and his story. Lets help make this movie fly into the hearts and minds of the people that want it but more importantly those that need it. You can give money through paypal here. Lets educate the world about child abuse!

https://www.paypal.com/us/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_flow&SESSION=K0NjT23XQIdt2QDriFL7mdUUNi7B4lTsC4X5Fn5BWFl6jHY-6RySY61ogMy&dispatch=5885d80a13c0db1fc53a056acd1538874a43d73a07f26b2cc3a8a5dff46470e3

Audio Post: "Hello Everybody"

http://tmic.fm/reo4ajjj0zy

Hello everybody! You know DriveShaft.... I do love LOST. I can not believe it is the last season. What will I do when its over? I guess I will have to watch Hawks Dances then ;)

Please consider going to MizzMeggs and donating to her blog-a-thon. She is so cute and wonderful. A good head on her shoulders. I love all the people who are helping to raise money for both the Angela Shelton Foundation and Hawk Dances! :Huggles: You can go to my twitter (link in the coffee lounge) to find a link to MizzMeggs blog-a-thon. Anyways have a wonderful day and yeah why not click on my audio tweet! Their is more in their that I did not just talk about! ;)

Save all your bullshit for another day....

I feel like a boxer..... In the corner with my gloves on. Ready to take out anyone that gets to close because I'm in the "mode" right now. I'm sick and tired of taking care of myself due to idiots. This time it was a doctor. A regular medical doctor that has been named a "top 10 doctor." He was telling me that I should have reported everything that happened to me many many years ago. And I told him that most survivors do not report for multiple reasons. I said this all very calmly and in the beginning as if it did not bother me at all. But he kept pushing. Pushing pushing. So to him who knows no better than a blank piece of paper "Save it all your bullshit for another day...." from the song "Make Over" by Christina Aguilera

Song
Make Over Lyrics
Artist(Band):Christina Aguilera


I can't believe what you did to me
Down on my knees and I need to break free
All these years you violated me (violated me)
I don't know why I can't feel inside
I try to hide, can't make it alright
It's overkill, now I'm ready to fight

I don't need nobody tryin' to make me over
I just wanna live simple and free
I just wanna get away
Savin' all your bullshit for another day

Feeling confined like I'm bein' force fed
My visions blurry and I'm lost in regrets
It's overload, and I'm outta control (outta control)
So sick and tired of bein' so misused(so misused)
You're taking me down with all your mental abuse
And I said, I gotta get you outta my head

Everybody's always trying to look me over
I just wanna live simple and free

I just wanna get away
Saving all your bullshit for another day
I'm the only one that can rescue me from me

Leaving the house around quarter to five
Zipped up my boots and I'm ready to ride
And I feel so high, I feel so alive
Let down my hair, feel the wind on my skin
Crossin' the border where my new life begins
And I close my eyes and take it all in

I don't need nobody tryin' to make me over
(Don't make me over)
I just wanna live simple and free

I just wanna get away
Saving all your bullshit for another day
I'm the only one that can rescue me from me
I just wanna get away
Saving all your bullshit for another day
I'm the only one that can rescue me from me
You wanna break me down...

Cell phone tip!

Cell phones are getting so smart these days! I've embedded them into my healing. Every day at 11am I have an alarm that goes off and says that I am powerful amongst other things that are important to me. Once a week I have it tell me that I make a difference in the world just for being me and nothing else. It is so easy to program your phone to do this as you can tell the phone to have an event go off once a week, or everyday! Its been very helpful for me and having a positive outlook on life I hope it might be helpful for one of you. I love putting in Angela Shelton's recommendation that "I am a Goddess" - really what is better than that other than being a warrior and a Goddess? :) :huggles: For those of you that do not know what a :huggle: is it is a hug, tickle and giggles all wrapped in one, kind of like a burrito lol.

p.s. Don't forget to feed my fish at the bottom of my blog and check out the new features on my blog and become a fan! ;)

Running Away: We can't seem to stop but we must in order to heal

This is one of my favorite Angela Shelton videos. It really spoke to me when I first watched it a year or so ago. Its about all of us women running. Running for our lives, running from anything that scares us, running from the things that could actually help us because at some point, something happened and all our brains could tell us to do was run for our lives. Now it is time to take a break, get some water and food as she says and get some honest to gosh good help for US. We deserve it because if we aren't well no one around us will be. If the rescuer is hurt their is no way they can rescue anyone else. We can't take care of our family if we are hurting, we can't love, we can't hold a job and more. So lets take off our running shoes for a min and treat our blisters.

Survivor Manual:How to get out of a panic attack! Part 1 & 2

I personally love doing this. It doesn't always work but usually it does. Now I also use it for PAIN! I have very sever chronic pain that I live with 24-7 365 and I'm on very strong meds for. This gives me a little distraction I would say from the pain I have. Once I was having major muscle spasms and they stopped in the middle of this tapping! Thank you Angela Shelton for learning this technique and sharing it with us. When I do it I don't tap so hard on my hand between my ring finger and my pinky as it hurts me because of my disease but It is still very much worth it. I think it is very important to do this in the order it is presented in and complete the entire process to "seal" the process. This is why I've posted it here for you to always come back to.

Thank you to all of those who donate to the Angela Shelton Foundation!

Why my project is called Angels Undercover & Undiscovered...

Have you seen the little girl sitting alone in the corner playing alone by herself while all the other children are off on the play ground? What about the teenager that is in full rebellion against every thing that comes across their path as if it is a poison? And the person who just can't move past something. To me I see underneath all the problems an Angel. Why and how do I see this? Because I know what its like to be in situations and not living the stereotypical ideal life that the world wants you to live and I've learned you can make so much out of a non ideal life. You can find your wings and take off to where ever you want to go. Yes it takes some work, but mostly it takes some giving up. I've learned I have to give up my "issues" and just say to myself shit happened but I'm still a whole person that is deserving of everything. I am really worth it. So AUU is a project to identify and share that we are all worth it, we are amazing powerful people no matter what has happened to us. I truly believe that no matter how dark things might get, it is never too dark to find light.

New video by Steven Shires!

Big warm THANK YOU to Steven Shires for making this video for me after my photo shoot with him. Check out his work in my coffee lounge!