What is going on right now?

Hello everyone. I know it has been a while since I've been on here. Things before now were going pretty well until a certain event happened in my life, but even when that happened I still feel like I handled it pretty darn well for the circumstances. I felt in control even when things were not ideal. But right now, things are a bit better in a larger way sort of even though what has happened in the past still is true and very present in my life, .... actually I don't know what the hell is going on.

I feel as if I have no constant in my life and that is a very very scary thing and that is what I think is pushing me right now. I don't even have my own health. I don't know that I will have a family, a lover, a home, or anything. Right now I am very thankful for each and everything I have and each moment I have with every person I know. I feel like it all can be taken away any second. I really wish something could be guaranteed to me other than nothing is guaranteed. Due to this I feel like their is a large earth quake under neath my feet and sometimes I am left with no ground to stand on or it is rushing water and I must scramble to find any sort of land even if that land is only mud which is really not suitable for standing on only for stepping threw or over. Also when your stepping threw the mud it is best to do so with an extra hand reaching out to help steady you threw.

I feel like I have no one, and never ever will. I've lost part of my family, a very important part, my only female figure and now the rest of my family is just different from me which is fine. But whatever. We are all split up.

I need a hand, and I need a woman's voice to hear. I wish I had a sister right now very very very badly. But I am not one to ask for anything that I need because that is part of how I was raised. I don't know if I will ever over come that. I am not allowed to cry or if I do on accident it doesn't matter because their is a point to be made no matter what I say. It is like my voice is not heard or something? I learned it just is this way, and I am trying so hard to fight that and to unlearn that because I know in order to be the person I really am, I can not remember what I've learned and am reminded of time and time again.

I am stronger and more powerful than that. I know that deep in my heart. I mean look at all the shit I've come threw and all that I've done. That has to mean something!

Open our eyes to all Angela Shelton Foundation Hour 5

Open your eyes to the world around you. There is joy, sorrow, pain, health, happiness, love, hate. It is your choice to let in what you wish into your life most of the time. Sometimes, it is forced upon us in such cases as rape, violence and abuse of all kinds, but what is most important is how we handle it in the end.

For so long I blamed myself, then I blamed my family then I blamed myself again, then the world, and all at the same time men (MEN ARE RAPED TOO!!!) but through my healing years at least 7 now, I have finally come to realize it is not about who is to blame or really why. It is what I do with it. If I choose to sit on my butt and point fingers am I actually moving any where? Well I tried that and it did not work. Then I decided to give up, but then that got overwhelming (yes doing nothing can be overwhelming) and I knew I had to change something. Then I blamed someone or something or myself again and again until I had blamed all alive. That was when I was at the bottom.... scrapping for any hope. I then was litterally hopeless. Luckily for me I had a special package coming in the mail for me from a fellow survivor of horror.

Angela Shelton Foundation Hour 3

Angela Shelton Foundation Month Long Blog-a-thon


Title: I'm more than good enough!
Post photography by: Steven Shires | Pixel Pro Shop


Please donate $ to the Angela Shelton Foundation if you get anything from this or any of my other articles this month-July 10th! Thank you. Click here to donate! To see Angela Shelton's private website click here.


Dear survivor of;


(The not so pleasant things)

• 1. The western's world pressure on women to be thin and beautiful, and sexy 24-7
• 2. Physical disabilities
• 3. Emotional disorders (most caused by something listed later or society)
• 4. Graduating from a semi-broken University
• 5. Having family (a wonderful one though) that lacked emotional output as in hugs frequently
• 6. Learning disabilities that were never tested and treated until I requested it in college after my difficult math course because I could tell no one was having as much difficultly as me and I was also flipping numbers. Also my professor said that I might have a LD so I should get tested and be extra careful on exams esp. until then :p. I was only able to be tested after that course was over and I was at least 1+ standard deviations away from my IQ! 112-124?= IQ while Math= 75 which is or one point away from MR! 
• 7. Being in an abusive relationship for too long. It wasn't even that long but then their was the aftermath. 
• 8. In this abusive relationship, the physical abuse
• 9. In this abusive relationship, the emotional abuse like I am stupid when he was the stupid one 
• 10. In this abusive relationship, the still hard to even type sexual abuse and r word, rape. I said it. good for me! 

The point here is I SURVIVED IT AND...

(Pleasant things..)

• 1. I am actually pretty
• 2. I am not "fat"
• 3. Someone in the world cares or is affected by something I do
• 4. I am loved... I am loved... I am loved (creating new neuro pathways hehe ;D)
• 5. I love that I have a family that cares a lot about me
• 6. I am an Artist
• 7. I love having my sever chronic pain managed somewhat for the moment
• 8. I love having a partner/ significant other/bf that cares a lot about me
• 9. I love my ability to connect with animals
• 10. I love that I know I have LIGHT inside me that will never ever go away, that will always be there even if I don't feel it, that I can always work to rekindle my light, and help others find their light that they have that also will never go away even if they think they have never felt it before.
• 11. I enjoy friendships even when I feel horrible for not having enough time for them. 
• 12. I love horseback riding and the feeling of connection between myself and the horse. Also the independence and freedom once in the saddle. <3
• 13. I love Mother Earth
• 14. I love that I know I have already LOVED much not mention and I love that I know that I will LOVE MUCH MORE!

      That is the past, I have faced it head on, eye to eye, heart to heart. I've dived deep down into my past's soul and come out not just SURVIVING but THRIVING.        ~YES THRIVING!!!!!

      This achievement in my life that I once felt was a personal disaster happened due to the following people and organizations in order by date: My boy friend, my (good) counselors, my University's women's center, TBTN, The Clothesline Project, Angela Shelton, some of my Professors, The Glass Breaking Project, Army of Angels, and all the other survivors through A.S. and other places. Thank you and others that I did not mention for specific reasons. You have changed a life. I have finally given up somethings that I thought were right if a person tells you so. (ie. Your stupid- from my Abuser). Well I am now free from that, I am "me", whom ever I wish to be! And I am a smart beautiful person ~Sydney Smith

      Consequently now I'm on the search of who I am and want to be now that I am not Stupid, fat and ugly! I'm so excited! I know it won't be easy but I pray I have gone threw the hardest part. I posted this photograph by Steven Shires that he made for AUU. I think this is very representative of what this process is. I'm just trying to climb one mountain at a time..... it should be easier that way and should not be so daunting looking at one compared to the range. Thank you Steven! If anyone would like a print of this photo you can either contact Steven Shires yourself at the website that I have linked in this post or on my coffee lounge. I think it would be nice to have in an office don't you think?!

Angela Shelton Foundation Fundraiser by Angela!

Hello! I wanted to share and or remind all of you that Angela Shelton herself will be online for 24 hours starting at 1pm PT, or 4pm EST TODAY Saturday June 12- June 13th to raise money and awareness for the Angela Shelton Foundation. Next month I will be doing the same thing on July 9th. Its held on Ustream.tv for both events but all you have to do when you are at the site if you don't have the ink is search for our names! Thats easy enough! So this month search for: Angela Shelton -- next month-- Sydney Smith if I find the links I will attach them. <3 you all I hope to see you there!

Its been a while

Hello everyone! Its been a while since I've been back but ...

      Look at the beautiful picture above(top of blog) from Steven Shires from Pixel Pro Shop! I know I say it every time, but as a semi-professional artist, I personally sincerely appreciate Mr. Shires work and his charity to AUU. He made the above for Angels Undercover & Undiscovered as another gift *Note he has already made other photos for AUU so a big Thank you on behalf of AUU to Steven Shires for helping to support our org!

      I've personally been working on my path to wholeness and more. Just last night I signed up for a 10 week class that is supposed to help with a persons commitment to their word. Honestly I do have an issue with this. Many times I will say "I will do something" on the "note that I can always back out if I need to due too"...... my physical disability, panic attacks, anxiety, &/or Angela Shelton live show on Sundays at 12pm PT/ 3pm EST etc *wink. But I know this is not the way I want to continue living my life, but I don't know how to account for those times that I truly cannot make it to commitments I've made due to things that are not in my control. As I learn different ways of thinking and dealing with this issue I will blog about it. Wait! I hope I will because I just made a commitment their to you *blah** lol. I suppose if I do share that means the class is working. The class is not starting until Aug. so we will have to sit tight until then ;)

     I cannot wait for my BLOG-A-THON & VIDEO-A-THON!!!! This month (June) I will be preparing for that 24 hr long commitment that I am going to do and I pray succeed in. My goal is to raise at least $800.00 for the Angela Shelton Foundation to help raise a total of $20,000 for the foundation to pay what they need to remain a 501-c3 Non-Profit. I have already collected old clothes for the local woman's shelter along with beauty products that I don't need such as hair electric pieces. I have personally stayed in a women and children shelter and I remember how bad it was. This is why I want to specifically donate to them. I would guess that the worth of the amount collected so far for the shelter donation is at least $200.00+. I have many different ideas for the video-a-thon I just need to go out and bring a helper and shoot some video so I can have things prepared for the moments when its 3am and my brain is not functioning properly or at noon when I have a large audience that does not know about the Angela Shelton Foundation and what it is about and why we are apart of it and supporting it. I'm thinking of also doing a slide presentation if I can get it to work on ustream.tv ..... OOOO--- YES! I will if I get permission from Angela, take video of me shooting at the range on at least a pistol on a 22 mm at least- I may move up to something stronger as I am learning more about shooting and safety protocols. I so want to get pics up for you all from the high power range too = to rifle. *Though I want to remind all of you that I only am using guns as a hobby but respect them as what they are capable of which is taking a life. Also, I do not own a gun as I do not feel that I should currently own a gun because I do not have a gun safe and do not know if or when I will have children in my home. Also I do choose to drink right now along with my partner/boy friend, and I will not allow personally to have a gun (even disassembled and not with ammo) in my home if there is no one at the home at all times to be responsible for a gun / taking a life. I am pretty much just saying please respect them and please don't judge me negatively for using them as a hobby only in a safe manor until you know me very very very personally. Thank you!

Maybe I will start looking into all this astrology stuff.....

        Once upon a night in a far away land their was a woman that was determined not to sleep (reasons to be explained on twitter)  I was poking around on the net around 4:30 am or so and since it seems astrology is a semi big thing in Hollywood right now I wanted to see why. I haven't been really impressed yet but that is because I have not done any studies yet but I am not deterred. You see I am a scientist, yep degree and all. I've conducted research studies and had to get over Myth-busters  SEVER lack of science (oh sometimes it still makes me tremble). But I am opened minded to many many things.  I do believe in some sort of Supreme Being(s) and I am love my religion that is accepting of most faiths.  For example, in my church you can be Buddhist, Hindu, Christian, Mormon, LDS, Quaker, + + +. We just do not accept those who worship the devil and a few other things. I view my religious choice as pretty darn accepting, and I like to think that I TRY to be accepting of as many different things as humanly possible as long as they do not extremely fundamentally go against my moral values such as violence of any kind, including rape, discrimination, things like that. 

        The reason why I just voiced all of that is because I wanted to show you that I am willing to give things a chance even if I don't really believe in them. This does include social things like astrology readings. 

        Over all the point of this post is that I will report back to see if my mini flawed 'study' will show any sort of results

**SUPER NOVA DAYS

Jun 4 - 8: Stairway to Heaven

Your imagination runs wild over the weekend as your key planet Mars opposes magical Neptune on June 4. You'll be convinced that pretty much anything is possible in the days ahead. The difficulty, however, is finding a balance between your most outrageous dreams and a more practical approach to life. You are forced to make adjustments to increase efficiency and narrow your vision when energetic Mars enters laser-sharp Virgo on June 7. But it isn't a good idea to settle for less. Even if you have practical issues to address, they could be critical steps propelling you to the stars. 

 **Cited from: http://www.tarot.com/astrology/monthly/getforecast.php




Ps. Don't forget to donate to my cause for the Angela Shelton Foundation which I have a link here on the main page of this blog along with a donation button if you would like to help feed me! :D and or support me in getting my service dog. You can even email me and tell me what you want me to do with the money you donate to me at DearAngealShelton    -At-    Gmail    .    com     or                TheSydneySmithProject    @    gmail.com    ( spaces for web bots)


I hope you all are doing well :HUGGLES: and a long one at that. <3~Sydney

Today

I will appreciate all of me. From my likes and dislikes, from my smiles to my frowns. No matter who I am or am not associated with, today, I will appreciate me. I will appreciate me for everything I've triumphed through and all the more to come that I know I will only have two true paths, to succeed or fail. I will not judge me any different for either outcome because today, I know, I put the best into my work so only my best can come out even if it is failure. I love myself. I know deep down, past all my self image issues that I am truly beautiful and naturally beautiful at that. I know and understand that I not only love myself but deserve much love because of the wonderful kind person that I am, even if I am lead a stray some days. I am worth everything and more. Because I am Sydney Smith, I am me, I am a woman that has seen hell and come back again fighting not for glory but for life. Me, myself, I am worth much love, in fact I deserve much love especially since I give love so freely and easily. I appreciate all of my worth and dignity. I am a woman of many forms, many hats, many possibilities. I am a Goddess and a Warrior at the same time along with Serenity. I am me. I will love my whole self today.

New feature! A new way to show you appreciate what I do!

So I just set up my very first paypal account as I had to in order to pay to go to this conference about over coming sexual abuse/assault and domestic violence + all the crap that comes with it. Now you ask why am I going? Because I am in the Army of Angels and it is our duty to learn as much as we can so we can make real changes in the world and help others in need. Unfortunately as most of you who have kept up with my blog and such sweet hearts you are know the disabilities I have and my pursuit of a service dog. Well, all of this and helping other survivors has left me more than broke. I did just finally pay off a loan that I had for 6 years for over $3,000 in non-covered medical expenses that I racked up in 6 days. Goodness did that feel amazing when I paid that off. But did you know that two patches two 4-6 inch patches cost $150 and I am supposed to wear two in 24 hours, and I wear 3 different types of medical patches :(. But I feel so much better than I did before. I can actually STAND, and for like more than 15 seconds and the kicker is that I can dress myself most of the time now! OH YEAH hehe lets have a parrrtyaaa. lol anyways this sounds like a depressing fest which is not what I want.

But a friend of mine said - why don't you put up one of those pay pal donation buttons on your blog. Everyone does it, and then if people like what you do they can contribute to help you get by and continue doing your work. Another friend sincerely agreed when I didn't want to do this, even when I might be looking at $14,500 price tag for my service dog which I will get no matter what I have to do I don't care if no one will hire me right now bc of my disability I will find a way. I need the darn dog to get a job lol catch 22. So here I go, I'm putting up the paypal donation button but their are major things you must know. IT IS NOT. N-O-T tax deductable. I am not a nonprofit (though someday I wish I could be and build high tech shelters) but again you would just be donating money to the person that supports other survivors and is one herself, and honestly, could use a little food in my fridge every once in a while. So here I reluctantly go. Putting myself out their. Maybe people could ask questions they want answered or something.... here we go...

If you can't donate or want to share this with others you can send this code in an email and a link to my blog so they can check me out!

The button: 

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=ED34ERT3UKY8E

The blog

 http://angelsundercoverandundiscovered.blogspot.com/

                                            Thank you~Love Sydney Smith

Photography by Pixel Pro Shop: Steven Shires