Vacation : Oil : Efficiency : Healing : Helping : Healing : Rescue

*********Please read the "Read Me" at the bottom of the page before reading this post. Thank you! :Huggles: ~Sydney Smith ************

      I just got back from a great vacation that was desperately needed for not only myself but my relationship with my lover. We went to a local, well... semi local beach and just did whatever we wanted. Other than being there with some other people we normally would choose not to hang out with it was great! The weather was perfect, we had a pool for the first time and a hot tub. I even got a little bit of sun for my vit D deficiency that I am suspected to have. We even splurged the first time in years and bought a nice seafood dinner! 1/2 pound of the following for my meal : clams, shrimp, crab legs! I surly could not eat it all and sadly had to leave almost half if it behind at the beach house w/ the other ppl to eat as we left a little early to beat some traffic. But the real point of this point other than to inform you of my absence once again (which I view as ok because it is self care and every one of you should be doing so- please please be taking good- no magnificent care of yourself because you are Angels! Don't forget who you are and what you deserve)
...... Again the point of this post is to tell you that this vacation really helped me heal even a little bit more and rejuvenated my very burned out and tired soul. I know many of you do SO MUCH for the cause let alone every thing you do for others such as your family members, friends, loved ones, and other survivors let alone the crap from random people. I want to let you know that taking a BREAK is a GOOD THING. It is HEALTHY for you and who you are trying to help in the first place esp.

      Why do you ask? I think it is kind of like running on really dirty rusty very very old engine oil. It still "works" but it definitely works a lot better. The car runs more efficiency, runs faster, and is much more reliable. The car is even cleaner and will have a longer, healthier life span. Some might say " So what I am doing just fine how I am right now, plus I don't have the money or time to go on any sort of vacation right now. I'm just to busy and poor and everyone needs me."

      Well I'll tell you, at least from my practice, if that is your response your in the most need of a vacation. Your holding up / supporting so much in your life that it can just suck someone bone dry in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. A respite / vacation is like a Rx for life if done right. Note: IF done correctly.

      They can be the "reset" button for your soul and mind so you are not weathered down to see the fossils that remain underneath your rock. It feeds light to your fire in backwards ways that you do not notice until much later if at all. It helps you be the you you wish and want to be. If you want and choose to help others so be it, this will help. If you wish to build another Eiffel tower it too will help.

      A respite / vacation is all about helping yourself FIRST. Yes you MUST HELP YOURSELF FIRST. If you are injured, not working well, efficiently, or are broken how will you do anything at all?? This is the ideology used in medicine when coming upon any medical scene. In order to help others you must first help yourself.  :Huggles: ~Sydney S.

*******READ ME PLEASE: I personally very much know how hard this(and all posts) is to take in and understand. This is all my opinion and is to be taken only as an opinion which every single person hase a valid equal one. I just write these posts in hopes my many years of  "experience" can mean something for at least one person. That will make me feel a lot better about all the crap I've been through. *************

More Than Thank You

This is a message stating that I am much more than thankful for the help, donations and awareness that was created over this weekend. It was beautiful and powerful even with major computer difficulties. All of you are troopers and givers. Please recognize yourself everyday for that. You have helped to change the world one day at a time. It is a blessing to me to be a part of this foundation, as I stated many times last night? (it feels like last night for me but was also Friday!) this is a people problem, and we need to come together to work on it now. You all have stepped up and with your actions said I am doing something about it, and that, that is what makes change, and what makes me cry tears of joy.

I remember when I was a "fresh" survivor I searched on the internet for hours for any sort of help, and in the first couple years I found little. Now someone can type in a simple search and probably find the Angela Shelton Foundation; Survivor Manual; and the Army of Angels. This is has and will change lives, including our own lives even more so from helping organizations that we truly believe in. I am so beyond happy to know that the ASF is here, and with our work here to stay. Remember when we discussed if someone was watching and they were currently being abused children and adults - one of you said what would it be like to help just one person tonight? Well I will tell you that we might have and that would be more than amazing, but with the donations (and those who help those donations become a reality) we are helping people 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365. Cool right? But we can't stop here, we have so many great ideas and with the power and light of the people associated with the foundation, who knows what I can do? What can we do next and how can we improve what we have?

I <3 you all and don't forget my web hugs. They are authentic. <3 ~Sydney Smith

Hour 2

Angela Shelton Foundation Month Long Blog-a-thon

Title: I'm more than good enough!
Post photography by: Steven Shires | Pixel Pro Shop


Please donate $ to the Angela Shelton Foundation if you get anything from this or any of my other articles this month-July 10th! Thank you. Click here to donate! To see Angela Shelton's private website click here
********************
I know from stats and experience that their must be some of you in the mists of abuse this very moment- this very second. Let it be in some sort (let it be sexual, physical, emotional, financial, ++) of very negative situation and are fighting for not only your life but possibly even others you care about. This post is for those who have gone through the journey of healing and those in any other point in their journey from being victimized, to survivorship, to thriving.

"The idea is that everyone would discuss the below so all sides would hear points to help make sense of the healing process and also acknowledge community and likeness that can show up through out specific stages of healing."~Sydney Smith from Angels Undercover and Undiscovered AUU

Question to those who see themselves as confident survivors and thrivers
1. List 3 things: If their were up to 3 things you could change (anything) in your HEALING process NOT THE ABUSE OR ASSAULT, what would it be and why?


2. If their was one thing you could change (anything) in your HEALING process what would it be and why?


3. If you can change this thing now (if you already have not done so) would you do so? What problems do you see, and feel with doing that? What positive feelings do you have?


*4. If you could tell yourself something in the very beginning of your healing process what would you say to yourself?


Questions for current victims. This means you are currently being abused. Once the abuse stops you are no longer a victim you are a survivor no "paper work" needed. *smiles*
1. Did any thing that the survivors or thrivers say about their past sound similar to what you experienced in one way or another at all? 


2. If yes to number 1, in what ways did you feel/sound similar?


3. What is different?


     The point I am making here is that new and old survivors of all kinds of abuse are equal in this world. We all have looked hell in the eyes and have come back out a live in one level of healing or another. But the most important thing is that we all must help each other. NOW THAT ALSO INCLUDES THOSE PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY ARE NOT AFFECTED. Haha I laugh when I hear people say that. I just want to say ok well guess what? I bet one of your best friends was raped, another molested for years,  and much much more. This is why the Angela Shelton Foundation is working very hard to bring awareness to everyone all over the world- it is a PANDEMIC - sorry Angela lol its not an epidemic, that is just small outbreaks in specific areas and surely not nation wide let alone sadly WORLD WIDE. And as Angela Shelton has said many times, this is a PEOPLE PROBLEM, not a woman's issues. Men are raped and abused all the time too. I ask that you please remember that as well as your phone number! :D We must work together to take down the Beast. 

Angela Shelton Foundation Hour 3

Angela Shelton Foundation Month Long Blog-a-thon


Title: I'm more than good enough!
Post photography by: Steven Shires | Pixel Pro Shop


Please donate $ to the Angela Shelton Foundation if you get anything from this or any of my other articles this month-July 10th! Thank you. Click here to donate! To see Angela Shelton's private website click here.


Dear survivor of;


(The not so pleasant things)

• 1. The western's world pressure on women to be thin and beautiful, and sexy 24-7
• 2. Physical disabilities
• 3. Emotional disorders (most caused by something listed later or society)
• 4. Graduating from a semi-broken University
• 5. Having family (a wonderful one though) that lacked emotional output as in hugs frequently
• 6. Learning disabilities that were never tested and treated until I requested it in college after my difficult math course because I could tell no one was having as much difficultly as me and I was also flipping numbers. Also my professor said that I might have a LD so I should get tested and be extra careful on exams esp. until then :p. I was only able to be tested after that course was over and I was at least 1+ standard deviations away from my IQ! 112-124?= IQ while Math= 75 which is or one point away from MR! 
• 7. Being in an abusive relationship for too long. It wasn't even that long but then their was the aftermath. 
• 8. In this abusive relationship, the physical abuse
• 9. In this abusive relationship, the emotional abuse like I am stupid when he was the stupid one 
• 10. In this abusive relationship, the still hard to even type sexual abuse and r word, rape. I said it. good for me! 

The point here is I SURVIVED IT AND...

(Pleasant things..)

• 1. I am actually pretty
• 2. I am not "fat"
• 3. Someone in the world cares or is affected by something I do
• 4. I am loved... I am loved... I am loved (creating new neuro pathways hehe ;D)
• 5. I love that I have a family that cares a lot about me
• 6. I am an Artist
• 7. I love having my sever chronic pain managed somewhat for the moment
• 8. I love having a partner/ significant other/bf that cares a lot about me
• 9. I love my ability to connect with animals
• 10. I love that I know I have LIGHT inside me that will never ever go away, that will always be there even if I don't feel it, that I can always work to rekindle my light, and help others find their light that they have that also will never go away even if they think they have never felt it before.
• 11. I enjoy friendships even when I feel horrible for not having enough time for them. 
• 12. I love horseback riding and the feeling of connection between myself and the horse. Also the independence and freedom once in the saddle. <3
• 13. I love Mother Earth
• 14. I love that I know I have already LOVED much not mention and I love that I know that I will LOVE MUCH MORE!

      That is the past, I have faced it head on, eye to eye, heart to heart. I've dived deep down into my past's soul and come out not just SURVIVING but THRIVING.        ~YES THRIVING!!!!!

      This achievement in my life that I once felt was a personal disaster happened due to the following people and organizations in order by date: My boy friend, my (good) counselors, my University's women's center, TBTN, The Clothesline Project, Angela Shelton, some of my Professors, The Glass Breaking Project, Army of Angels, and all the other survivors through A.S. and other places. Thank you and others that I did not mention for specific reasons. You have changed a life. I have finally given up somethings that I thought were right if a person tells you so. (ie. Your stupid- from my Abuser). Well I am now free from that, I am "me", whom ever I wish to be! And I am a smart beautiful person ~Sydney Smith

      Consequently now I'm on the search of who I am and want to be now that I am not Stupid, fat and ugly! I'm so excited! I know it won't be easy but I pray I have gone threw the hardest part. I posted this photograph by Steven Shires that he made for AUU. I think this is very representative of what this process is. I'm just trying to climb one mountain at a time..... it should be easier that way and should not be so daunting looking at one compared to the range. Thank you Steven! If anyone would like a print of this photo you can either contact Steven Shires yourself at the website that I have linked in this post or on my coffee lounge. I think it would be nice to have in an office don't you think?!

PART 1 : Just had something that make me frustrated but should I be?

I apologize this is going to be a bit long, I will make the major part that relates to the title for those who want the short and sweet version at the END and in a different color ;) Love ya! :SQUISH: and you can NOT forget my :HUGGLES: to you! I have changed the font on this post for a reason. I feel it fits better....just me being all artistic and shite lol


Ever since I was able to answer questions I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to be a veterinarian (at the age of two it was "an animal doctor"). Between then and now all I have done in my life (well I have done now much more with the AOA and Angela Shelton I can now say because I am starting to recognize myself in my whole being more so) is work towards this goal and once I was old enough I started moving on the same path for humans. I wanted to help animals and humans. I wanted to know how to save their lives if something went wrong. I have determined that all my life I have suffered from chronic intense anxiety, and one of my ways to combat that was with gaining as much knowledge and certifications as I could in the medical field for all animals but especially all mammals. The funny thing to me, but now with this anxiety as I just stated is very clear now. I NEVER EVER CHANGED MY MIND about what my path was to be. I wanted to be a veterinarian (Large animal prefer- Horses, Cows, mixed farm -- or Large Zoo animals).

 I NEEDED FOR MY MENTAL SAFETY NET the idea that I could control something in my environment that could easily go out of control. This was probably the one thing that partly held me together for my younger years until I gave up on the fight that live was more than just fixing physical problems. 

 No one wants to accept the emotional challanges we all face every day, every moment of our lives. I was taught to throw away all emotions and as it is barely audible over the phone that I am crying (and I very very rarely cry because of the following I was given this from an important person in my life.

"Just deal it"/ with everything because you just have to "get over it" and "You can't be so emotional" and my favorite (enter a metric fuck ton of sarcasm now)"Stop crying. You aren't allowed to cry. Just stop being so emotional, you can't do that. Just get over it, you can't let things even if its sucks get to you. You can't cry like that. Stop it!" 

Wow I once again, after hearing this over and over again through out my life from this person I got frustrated but in a sad way. I was sad because I was able to really let it sink in for me that this person was probably trying to at all costs protect themselves from being hurt in this situation. No one ever wants to hear someone else cry. So after I've been toying with the idea that this other person is actually trying to protect themselves, and this all is a coping mechanism, no matter how crappy I feel from it, it is what it is. And yes, it hurts me, yes it makes me frustrated that I can not express almost any sort of any emotion other than I would say "bland" with this person without having a negative reaction. But I feel now I am making progress in the part that now I feel sad when this person does this. I feel sad for them and that they only know how to use this coping mechanism.


_______*******_______


Now I would like to vent about my frustration that sometimes I feel like others get all of this amazing help for their medical disabilities, yet I have worked hard to try to raise money etc for very specific medical aids/devices yet get little help from people other then like two people, one of which is my best friend! But I know, and I really truly am sooooooooo Thankful for the help I have received. My best friend helped raise like $250 for my goal of $14,500 for my service dog, but all donations have stopped. The only thing I have now is the donation button here on my blog through paypal and on my website which is the same thing. I guess what just got me frustrated is that I see all of these other people with many people helping them raise their money for their dog, or raise money for PT, surgeries etc. I think we all need help. But then I feel bad, like I am not good enough and I don't deserve the help because I'm just not good enough. But I feel SOOOOO BAD and SOOOO selfish for thinking that I should get help for even one second. I have so many ideas of how I can give back some to my community with my dog after it would change my life, but again I guess from my abuse, I do not feel I deserve help, but I want help so bad. WTF lol. So yeah. Their is my currently shaken not stirred brain for you. 


But as I said on twitter this summer/ fall is about leaving the past behind and finding the future. And most importantly, being ok with that. 


p.s. it is in the weeeee hours of the morning now: "wow... ok I just woke up from a 2 hour nap with the computer on my lap and I was biting my tongue the who time! Ouch! lol Does the biting of the tongue mean something ;p?????? I bit one side over another.... does that mean anything?!?! :D :D I <3 you all

Angela Shelton Foundation Fundraiser

I know I was not looking my best when I shot this but I had to share my feelings! After all it was in the middle of the night! ;p

TweetMic : I'm looking for guidance

Please listen to my Tweetmic ( and iphone app) >  | http://tmic.fm/rgrz6jgpuyo


I'm in the Army of Angels but this Angel needs some help right now.... I don't know what to do.... I don't even know what options exist

Photograph: Taken and edited by Sydney Smith, of Sydney Smith

Over coming my fear of guns

I do not promote the use of guns except solely for recreational use on a certified range with all safety precautions. This is me getting over my fear of guns.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IpGraiQ7h8&feature=youtu.be ( video w/o sides cut off)

I'm glad I don't feel this way anymore- I've moved on to hope

This post is from an old blog I had. I am thankful I do not feel this way anymore. At least it has not come up for me in many months. I am very very thankful for this. But I do feel that it is important to share this because it shows where I've come from, to compare to were I am now. The change, and the beauty in that. Now I have power and light that is more easily accessible to me. That brings me much joy.

"Never Believed

How can I ever trust if I am never believed? Why and where should I go with this? I feel like an idiot. Like a puppy dog that follows its abusive owner around and loves it unconditionally not knowing that it will soon beat the shit out of it. I am that puppy. I fall into trusting people, then in time, I get the shit beatten out of me from the misuse of my trust in them. I'm tired of being used and abused. I don't want to be the sweet puppy anymore. Its just not safe even if it is in my nature to be kind and all trusting giving people the benefit of doubt. I've just been burned every single time. Every time. So really, how can one trust anyone in this treppid world? Are we just supposed to go cold as stone and never let anyone in as I now dare to be, or rather open ourselves up for being abused time and time again? Do I have to choose between the lesser of two evils? I must still be a little girl inside, begging for a world full of goodness. Such a lie, the wool was pulled over my eyes and stitched down in hopes of protection only to hurt me in the end."

Song-by me

Song Title :" YOU” 
By Sydney Smith
Lyrics go to the music of “If I was a boy” for the majority by beyonce
From my website subpage : Sydney Smith's Songs and Poems



Sometimes it’s more than a push
I feels more like a punch
Like your forcing me to throw away
Everything that makes up my name
But each time you say
It is better for me
To put it all aside and 
Make it all just go away
But I don’t know if I can
Live up to your demands
I don’t know if I can play along
And run your marathon
The more I am who you want
The more my mirror is blinded
Not knowing who I am
Or where I started from
But each time you say
It is better off for me
To put it all aside and
Make it all just go away
Yet I know there is more than you
I know some where is me
I just have to look real hard
To rediscover what you pushed from me
Yeah I know 
I’m worth at least that
Because I’m beautiful 
And you can’t take away that
Yeah
Because I’m beautiful
And you can’t take away that
Yeah 
Because I’m beautiful 
And you can’t take away that

Speaking Engagement post 2ish ;p (My nervous thoughts)

Photo by Pixel Pro Shop-copyright 2009- all rights reserved see link on left! 

Ok, so it is LESS than a month until my very first speaking engagement and I am really freaking out now- no panic attacks though lol but so very excited at the same time. Unfortunately I don't think Angela Shelton will be there like I thought she was going to be but it will still be great because KimLeigh Smith will be there!

I have already started to work on my speech but I just found out a few min ago that they would like me to tell my story. I was going to kind of barely touch that and go into the healing - not dwelling in the past horrors. But they want me to speak for 15 min instead of 10-15 min so I really have to step up my game. So telling my story will give me more stuff to talk about, even though I feel like I could talk with people (I talk one on one for hours sometimes not as much recently) for hours.

Now I was never great in my university public communications class, due to my anxiety, but I have grown so much since then, and its been years, but I still carry that fear of making a fool of my self or not providing the company what they want. But I am an Angel now, and if I look like a fool I look like a fool, all I can do is prepare myself as best I can, and give my heart out.

I've had some people that I talk to been very kind and say that I am very good at talking about this stuff one on one. I just hope I can apply that to a large group. I have had wonderful people give me advice and offer to help me on this adventure too! So now, its time to jump head first into the water and learn how to swim.

One of the biggest tackles for me will be how to present my story and what to "edit," how to properly fill in the alloted time, and how to speak SLOWLY and clearly. Practice practice practice.

Photo by Pixel Pro Shop-copyright 2009- all rights reserved see link on left!

Sexual Assault/Rape in the Military

Women soldiers stop drinking water early in the evening to avoid having to use the bathroom to try to avoid being RAPED by fellow soldiers

What do you think about this?!

I found this article very interesting and very in line with most of the stuff I have heard about this issue in the past. I do want to note one stat was wrong. They said that a woman in the Militaries stats of being raped is 1 in 3 (I have no problem with this- what I have a problem with is that they said is this is double that of a civilian. That is flat out not true. civilians are at LEAST 1 in 4. Last time I did math that would mean the Military would have to be 1 in 2 to be double the civilian stat which is widely accepted as 1 in 4. ( I believe it is higher both in the Military esp. and in civilian worlds due to many many break downs in the system(s) and trust, safety, and access to get help let along take action.

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1968110,00.html#ixzz0gmMHUT0I

Photo from http://www.wowowow.com/files/imagecache/300x/2008_0724_iStock_women_military.jpg Retrieved from the WWW on March 13, 2010.

A tweet 3/13/2010 - A reflection on life

The "bad" things in life have shaped me and changed me but have not damaged me!-I've only become stronger(like a mountain shaped by ice) #Joy #AOA

Photo by me, Sydney Smith 2009

A sex offender lives next door!

OMG ok now I'm freaking out! Must breathe....... it says that he has taken "indecent liberties with children." Oh goodness! And he has a kid! I now am blanking on what Angela said about bringing cookies to them or something and letting them know we are watching or something of that nature? But this guy is really big and scary strong but I'm scared for the kid and others. I've got to stay safe but they need to also. I don't know what to do right now. I need to learn more signs and symptoms of child abuse in children so if I see the child acting out I can identify it and do something. I think child sex offenders should be made sterile so they can't have children just to hurt them later. Just my opinion. But unfortunately I do know they would still find children :(

btw I had previously checked my area and it did not show this person up as an offender..... but now it does so if you have checked before I would recommend checking again as they might have updated your area as the offenders have to update their status on where they are living.

Teen Dating Abuse....