More Than Thank You

This is a message stating that I am much more than thankful for the help, donations and awareness that was created over this weekend. It was beautiful and powerful even with major computer difficulties. All of you are troopers and givers. Please recognize yourself everyday for that. You have helped to change the world one day at a time. It is a blessing to me to be a part of this foundation, as I stated many times last night? (it feels like last night for me but was also Friday!) this is a people problem, and we need to come together to work on it now. You all have stepped up and with your actions said I am doing something about it, and that, that is what makes change, and what makes me cry tears of joy.

I remember when I was a "fresh" survivor I searched on the internet for hours for any sort of help, and in the first couple years I found little. Now someone can type in a simple search and probably find the Angela Shelton Foundation; Survivor Manual; and the Army of Angels. This is has and will change lives, including our own lives even more so from helping organizations that we truly believe in. I am so beyond happy to know that the ASF is here, and with our work here to stay. Remember when we discussed if someone was watching and they were currently being abused children and adults - one of you said what would it be like to help just one person tonight? Well I will tell you that we might have and that would be more than amazing, but with the donations (and those who help those donations become a reality) we are helping people 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365. Cool right? But we can't stop here, we have so many great ideas and with the power and light of the people associated with the foundation, who knows what I can do? What can we do next and how can we improve what we have?

I <3 you all and don't forget my web hugs. They are authentic. <3 ~Sydney Smith

Its been a while

Hello everyone! Its been a while since I've been back but ...

      Look at the beautiful picture above(top of blog) from Steven Shires from Pixel Pro Shop! I know I say it every time, but as a semi-professional artist, I personally sincerely appreciate Mr. Shires work and his charity to AUU. He made the above for Angels Undercover & Undiscovered as another gift *Note he has already made other photos for AUU so a big Thank you on behalf of AUU to Steven Shires for helping to support our org!

      I've personally been working on my path to wholeness and more. Just last night I signed up for a 10 week class that is supposed to help with a persons commitment to their word. Honestly I do have an issue with this. Many times I will say "I will do something" on the "note that I can always back out if I need to due too"...... my physical disability, panic attacks, anxiety, &/or Angela Shelton live show on Sundays at 12pm PT/ 3pm EST etc *wink. But I know this is not the way I want to continue living my life, but I don't know how to account for those times that I truly cannot make it to commitments I've made due to things that are not in my control. As I learn different ways of thinking and dealing with this issue I will blog about it. Wait! I hope I will because I just made a commitment their to you *blah** lol. I suppose if I do share that means the class is working. The class is not starting until Aug. so we will have to sit tight until then ;)

     I cannot wait for my BLOG-A-THON & VIDEO-A-THON!!!! This month (June) I will be preparing for that 24 hr long commitment that I am going to do and I pray succeed in. My goal is to raise at least $800.00 for the Angela Shelton Foundation to help raise a total of $20,000 for the foundation to pay what they need to remain a 501-c3 Non-Profit. I have already collected old clothes for the local woman's shelter along with beauty products that I don't need such as hair electric pieces. I have personally stayed in a women and children shelter and I remember how bad it was. This is why I want to specifically donate to them. I would guess that the worth of the amount collected so far for the shelter donation is at least $200.00+. I have many different ideas for the video-a-thon I just need to go out and bring a helper and shoot some video so I can have things prepared for the moments when its 3am and my brain is not functioning properly or at noon when I have a large audience that does not know about the Angela Shelton Foundation and what it is about and why we are apart of it and supporting it. I'm thinking of also doing a slide presentation if I can get it to work on ustream.tv ..... OOOO--- YES! I will if I get permission from Angela, take video of me shooting at the range on at least a pistol on a 22 mm at least- I may move up to something stronger as I am learning more about shooting and safety protocols. I so want to get pics up for you all from the high power range too = to rifle. *Though I want to remind all of you that I only am using guns as a hobby but respect them as what they are capable of which is taking a life. Also, I do not own a gun as I do not feel that I should currently own a gun because I do not have a gun safe and do not know if or when I will have children in my home. Also I do choose to drink right now along with my partner/boy friend, and I will not allow personally to have a gun (even disassembled and not with ammo) in my home if there is no one at the home at all times to be responsible for a gun / taking a life. I am pretty much just saying please respect them and please don't judge me negatively for using them as a hobby only in a safe manor until you know me very very very personally. Thank you!

A New Life Gift & Video/Blogathon

      Today my new and very first office of my own is in the final stages of drying before I can move in and really get myself organized and get to work in a private space. We've painted EVERYTHING, and even shampooed the carpet. Soon as I can I will be posting picture of before and during after I move in. I am so excited because it will be a place of my very own. MY OWN. My sanctuary.
      Here I will better be able to take care of myself and be more affective at working with my goals as an Army of Angels! Recently with my meds being changed or not shipped on time I've had problems esp when I'm in a lot of pain. but now I see so much light and I feel it warming my skin. I can close my eyes now and not worry so much all the time.
       I still worry as I always will until I reach a deeper level of healing, I will still hold my breath for half of the day as always. But this feels better than the overwhelming feelings I was having before that left me rendered almost useless. A smile is growing across my face and I like that. Also for those who know, things are settling down for the moment between me and my lover. We had a very very very rough patch, now its just rough, which is much easier. :SQUISHES: and :huggles: to all of you. You all are so powerful and special. Don't forget to go to the blogathon this weekend I'll be there over the late evening hours. The lovely Angel that is doing this is a wonderful person that I talk to all the time and is dear to me. Funny you are all so dear to me even if I don't talk to you. :huggles:
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      Don't forget to mark your calander for July 9-10th for my video/blog a thon and try to skip getting coffee 2 times from Starbucks. Remember how the management raped and employee? I haven't heard anything about how they are handling that which is bad HR so I've actually stopped going there all together. But if you save money from two coffees that is like $6- $7-$8 that you could easily donate that you would have already spent that month! I've already made a small donation just because of that. :D And I got a larger donation when I told someone else about that. If you think about it, if you just gave up one coffee a month.........thats $3-$4 bucks x 12........ = so much help to keep the Angela Shelton Foundation ALIVE. 

Pepsi Refresh Project - Vote EVERY DAY so ASF can win 25K to Produce 32 free videos for the public!

Angela Shelton Foundation Fundraiser

I know I was not looking my best when I shot this but I had to share my feelings! After all it was in the middle of the night! ;p

Honey Yummy Butter

I've modified this recipe from the book: The Healthy College Cookbook. Quick, Cheap. Easy. by Alanandria Nimeta. Jason Stanley. and Emelie Starr.

Orig. Res. (Came out too sweet, amongst other things)
    
      2 tablespoons of butter (salted)
      2 tablespoons of honey
      1 teaspoon of vanilla

MY Changes that got a yummy approval from two men......

      6 - to - 8 tablespoons of butter (salted)
     2 tablespoons of RAW honey
     1 teaspoon of vanilla

1. in a small saucepan warm the butter slightly. Add the money and vanilla. and mix well. (Make sure not to burn the butter other wise you will have to start over start all over!

2. You can use immediately or refrigerate for later use. If I happen to make A LOT then I will also freeze some also.

SERVINGS 6

 * I prefer it on freshly baked french loaf (with in 3 days old)
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(sorry I just read this after some sleep and this makes almost no sense- I guess that is what I get for blogging when I was falling asleep in the middle of my typing here on my blog lol)

----- I'm full of anxiety right now so that is why I've been up all night working on this blog and other things. I don't know how to make it stop :( I wish I could take some Xanax so that ld find a place of peace. But a place of real true peace. My head doc said that if my panic attacks get real bad again. I should call 911 or go to the ER because I could be having heart palpitations and is not going to make that go away. Right now I could NOT N. O. T. bring myself to do that because I hate doctors as you all know, and I don't want them to think I'm crazy per say. I'm really not. I just have a strong anxiety problem that is not under full control yet esp because a new medication is being shipped to me but won't be here for at least a half a week or more..... Anyways. Its not like writting about it will make it any better or talking about it I guess either ( I'm so negative right now during a panic attack lol). I found it just helps delay the intense moments I've been running from. Later I will read this and hate it because it was my anxiety monster talking and not me, the real me that I know(ugh right now it hurts to type this) is powerful!

Over coming my fear of guns

I do not promote the use of guns except solely for recreational use on a certified range with all safety precautions. This is me getting over my fear of guns.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IpGraiQ7h8&feature=youtu.be ( video w/o sides cut off)

Lack of Motivation

Recently, well I guess for a long time now. I've been having issues with lack of motivation. Their are many reasons behind this, but its actually starting to annoy me now. Yet I do not know how to move past this speed bump. I've changed some medicines which has helped certain things in my life, but other things like the level of pain I live with still remain extremely high. It is also possible/ suggested that I have ADD ( recently told to me by a doctor). They say that is a reason why I might not be able to get things done as I would like to. I just don't know what to do now. I feel like I'm running into a wall and just bouncing off it multiple times. So this is leading me to a feeling that I have to say I can't commit to anything because of this wall right in front of me. :Frustrated: What to do..... Lists don't work, planning time in a day does not work esp because of my pain.... I just don't know. I am comforted in the knowledge that I am not the only one that has to deal with this issue as I know personally a few people with this same problem. Though a couple of them are on meds to help them. My doctor wants to put me on meds for my ADD but we can't until my anxiety(well panic attacks) goes away and I don't think that ever will so I feel stuck.

Anyways.... this was just another moment of me not doing what I really need to be doing ie writing my speech that is in less than a month :(

Speech for TBTN

Right now I'm working on my speech for TBTN. I took my vicodin because I'm in so much pain and it seems to be helping me a lot which is nice. I can think now which is great but then I'm mistyping a lot more now :p. Anyways I'm a little unsure of how to go about this speech. I know that they probably want to know my story, but what else are they exactly looking for? I have a lot to offer, its just a matter of getting it down. I can "say" some great stuff in my head when I'm not doubled over in pain. but again its getting from my head to the paper. I've tried Angela Shelton's recommendation of mind mapping for my book and for this speech, but just a second ago I did pretty well without a map. I just pictured myself actually at the event, with everyone there and just went with that. Though I did not go into my story. That is still one of the hardest things for me to do. Yes, I've shared my story many times, but not all at once and in great great detail. I make it more like a grocery list, like yes he did this this and this to me with no emotion attached. Like I need eggs, milk and bread. That is what a therapist told me once (that it was like a shopping list). But I do know how to connect with survivors because I do it all the time, and unfortunately, I don't have enough time to do it so some people feel horrible when I have to not talk to them as frequently as I did when they first came to me as a friend ( which is all I am - I am no professional). But I am trying to spread myself around so I can help everyone. That is why I kind of have stopped one on one and moved more to just blogging. Anyways that was a tangent. Yes, I feel uneasy and super excited about my speaking engagement along side Kim Lee Smith and Angela Shelton this Spring. I just hope I can pull it all together and deliver it well.

I know I will be talking about my theory on light and how everyone is born with it and how it never goes away. See my light post by clicking on light under lables. And I also want to talk about going from survivor to thriver, but I also want to acknowledge the truth of the hardships we have and still will go through, but how we have and still will come out stronger because of it.

Now what?

So I feel like I've taken that step from trauma world to joy jet. But it all still feels a little weird to me. After living in trauma world for over 7 years I guess it is very understandable to be a little shaken by the move but I'm so happy at the same time. It just feels so good. I don't feel like I HAVE too face it every day. Any thing I do is my choice, and I can focus my efforts on helping others instead of myself. But I am a little scared of this new world. Ever since I was little I never wanted to try anything new because I didn't know how it would turn out even if I thought it would be better. I was comforted by consistency and knowledge of what was to come. Though I know I am a stronger woman now and I CAN do this because so many other great women have done this and have inspired me to do so, so I must. Not only for myself, but for all the other women that follow in my foot steps.

Thank you to all the women(and some men!) who have inspired me

Old video - Breathing tech.

Having anxiety? Lets breathe together...

Old Nightmare help out video

Having a nightmare? This might be useful...

Meditation Video

An old meditation video.....to help with anxiety and much more!

Do you have problems when you see a person that looks very similar to your abuser?

Do you have problems like anxiety when you see someone that looks similar to your abuser(s)? I know this can be a very big issue for some people. It affected me also. When I was in college I was in a class and their was a guy in the class that looked very similar to mine and it really freaked me out. But now looking back I was testing my strength as a warrior and the power of my light.

I have not yet spoken of the power and importance of light. This is something that is very near and dear to my heart.

I believe that;

Everyone is born with this light (similar to a flame).
This light can never be lost as it is yours forever and no one can take it away. It is inside of you.
I fully recognize that this light during hard times may seem so faint that you might not be able to recognize it, but since it is forever burning, even if it is just an ember, you can rekindle your light and watch it grow.

I learned through pushing myself beyond my comfort level that I could handle these very uncomfortable situations. Yes at points I had to leave the room, but I did not think any less of myself because I was doing such a big thing by facing this fear of mine. By facing this fear I was also helping my light grow and therefore helping myself heal. So I know it might be uncomfortable, to the point of panic attacks, but you might consider just trying it and seeing how it goes remembering that if you leave it is completely ok. Yeah I said OK :). When I'm in anxiety provoking situations I make sure to use as many tools as I can ( see doctor appointment post) and or carry something small that is comforting like a stone or a ring that means something to me that I can concentrate on when I panic.

Dealing with Scary Doctor Appointments

So your scared about an up coming doctors appointment. Tomorrow I have 2! One of them I am really not looking forward to but hopefully by the end of this post we will be able to deal with them a little bit better. First off let me tell you about one of my last doctor appointments

NOTE VERY TRIGGERING/SCARY so read with caution*******
At one of my last doctor appointments I had a person go in with me that I love and well used to trust a lot more. Then that said person decided to start telling my story to the doctor when I did not really want it to be said because sometimes I think it can greatly affect the doctors judgement unfortunately because many doctors are uneducated. Well I started answering some questions that the doctor had about when everything happened, how long it occurred. Then the doctor started to ask some pretty graphic details that were in NO WAY RELEVANT TO MY MEDICAL TREATMENT. HE wanted to know if a certain thing that happened (I was strangled) was a sexual thing like a turn on or another thing. He wanted to know waaaaaaaaay to many specific details. Looking back now it kind of reminds me of the perps that come into the chat rooms to get off on our stories and stuff you know that Angela talks about?? Anyways he "then was like well why didn't you tell anyone? And kept pressing and pressing that. I told him in a calm tone like I talk when I "counsel"(but I do not counsel ppl I just am a friend) people that I could not. He kepted pressing wanting to know more. Then I finally said. "I am not going to say anything else as I don't see the relevance of this and my medical disability." He continued to push and said "Well maybe next time you will feel more comfortable and share more.

Share more my ass! You are NOT in the mental health field. And guess what everyone. I talked to my psychologist today and he has heard about this doctor before and this is not the first time something like this has happened. Now my friend thinks that the doctor is great and wants me to go back and doesn't even want to speak of the subject which is really hard for me, but after my psychologist is like "hum NO" I think its best that I not go back to that doctor. What I want to know is there anything legally wrong with what he did???????? Anyways I have an appointment with that same facility tomorrow morning and I am SOOOO not looking forward to it but my pain is so great that I am going just to see what the other person in the facility can do. My psychologist has already given me a new name for a great new doctor so I hope they have room for me and can also treat my pain. Moving on now
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So how are we going to deal with this? First off we must gather all the tools we can to control our panic. No matter if we are going to a great doctor or a crappy one we are going to need our tool set in order to get what we want out of the appointment. We are all Angels here so we can do that!!

Yes it does sound scary building a tool kit.... wrenches, pliers, hammers, nails, maybe even some super glue when all else fails but all you have to remember is you just collect one piece at a time. Simple as that. Once you have a tool you have it forever.

Some examples of tools that I have are as follows; Angela Shelton's tapping techniques (see Tapping in this blog), music, positive imagery, art, breathing techniques, fellow survivor friends, journaling, medications,healthcare professionals, friends, the art of preparing and sooo much more. Don't worry, your tool box will always be big enough to hold all the tools you collect, its awesome like that ;)

Now what we do when we go to these big bad soon to be much easier doctor appointments is we pull out tools that we can use in these specific situations. Let me give you an example.....

Well before setting up an appointment with a doctor.....

1. Ask your friends for a reference(tool: ......friends- they might know better who would be a better fit for you?)
2. Ask other healthcare professionals for a reference(tool:...... healthcare professionals- they usually know who is good and who is not in the area and if they know you well enough might be able to match your personality traits if you ask for that)

The night before a doctors appointment.....

1. I gather all of my medical records (tool used: the art of preparing.... reduces anxiety)
2. I write down on a piece of paper things I want to cover in this doctors appointment or I am worried about (I have a paper already made that says what I am worried about, signs and symptoms, what happened at the last visit, things I want to talk about, what actually happened at the visit, what I want to talk about next time) (tool used: again the art of preparing..... reducing anxiety
3. I leave all of this stuff in a folder or notebook out so I know exactly where it is for the next day(tool: the art of preparing.... reducing anxiety)
*4. If I don't know where the doctors office is I search for directions and include that in the notebook/folder (tool:the art of preparing... reducing anxiety)

Day of appointment

1. Grab your premade folder(tool: the art of preparing)
2. If you like music play some music on your way there or I love to bring some head phones and listen to my favorite music in the waiting room which is I think the worst part (tool:........ music- distraction!!!!)
3. In the appointment use your piece of paper talking about everything you want to cover/ that is concerning you. If you choke up you can even hand that piece of paper to the doctor and they can read it if you so choose. I've done that! (tool: the art of preparing)
4. If you are prescribed medications take them (as directed) For example I have a prescription for xanax, so I take it when I need it, which many times is a doctors appointment. Again only take as directed by your prescribing doctor. I am not a doctor. (tool:......... medication)
5. After the appointment when you get home (anytime) feel free to process in a journal or in art how you feel about what happened in the appointment. (tool: ..............journaling & art- reduces stress levels
6. Feel free to also take a bath with sea salts. I sell my own special "Milk, Oat and Honey Sea Salts" because I love it so much!(tool............. so much more you can do!)