AUU: I am a woman on a search for self improvement after living a life full of things that many women all over this globe have experienced, the pain of abuse in more than one way:physical, sexual and emotional. My goal you ask? To be a better person than I was before this horror came into my life and previously stopped me in my tracks. Here through my own search of healing and growth to thriver, I hope to help others change their own life into ones they only can dream of.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
PART 1 : Just had something that make me frustrated but should I be?
I apologize this is going to be a bit long, I will make the major part that relates to the title for those who want the short and sweet version at the END and in a different color ;) Love ya! :SQUISH: and you can NOT forget my :HUGGLES: to you! I have changed the font on this post for a reason. I feel it fits better....just me being all artistic and shite lol
Ever since I was able to answer questions I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to be a veterinarian (at the age of two it was "an animal doctor"). Between then and now all I have done in my life (well I have done now much more with the AOA and Angela Shelton I can now say because I am starting to recognize myself in my whole being more so) is work towards this goal and once I was old enough I started moving on the same path for humans. I wanted to help animals and humans. I wanted to know how to save their lives if something went wrong. I have determined that all my life I have suffered from chronic intense anxiety, and one of my ways to combat that was with gaining as much knowledge and certifications as I could in the medical field for all animals but especially all mammals. The funny thing to me, but now with this anxiety as I just stated is very clear now. I NEVER EVER CHANGED MY MIND about what my path was to be. I wanted to be a veterinarian (Large animal prefer- Horses, Cows, mixed farm -- or Large Zoo animals).
Wow I once again, after hearing this over and over again through out my life from this person I got frustrated but in a sad way. I was sad because I was able to really let it sink in for me that this person was probably trying to at all costs protect themselves from being hurt in this situation. No one ever wants to hear someone else cry. So after I've been toying with the idea that this other person is actually trying to protect themselves, and this all is a coping mechanism, no matter how crappy I feel from it, it is what it is. And yes, it hurts me, yes it makes me frustrated that I can not express almost any sort of any emotion other than I would say "bland" with this person without having a negative reaction. But I feel now I am making progress in the part that now I feel sad when this person does this. I feel sad for them and that they only know how to use this coping mechanism.
_______*******_______
Now I would like to vent about my frustration that sometimes I feel like others get all of this amazing help for their medical disabilities, yet I have worked hard to try to raise money etc for very specific medical aids/devices yet get little help from people other then like two people, one of which is my best friend! But I know, and I really truly am sooooooooo Thankful for the help I have received. My best friend helped raise like $250 for my goal of $14,500 for my service dog, but all donations have stopped. The only thing I have now is the donation button here on my blog through paypal and on my website which is the same thing. I guess what just got me frustrated is that I see all of these other people with many people helping them raise their money for their dog, or raise money for PT, surgeries etc. I think we all need help. But then I feel bad, like I am not good enough and I don't deserve the help because I'm just not good enough. But I feel SOOOOO BAD and SOOOO selfish for thinking that I should get help for even one second. I have so many ideas of how I can give back some to my community with my dog after it would change my life, but again I guess from my abuse, I do not feel I deserve help, but I want help so bad. WTF lol. So yeah. Their is my currently shaken not stirred brain for you.
But as I said on twitter this summer/ fall is about leaving the past behind and finding the future. And most importantly, being ok with that.
p.s. it is in the weeeee hours of the morning now: "wow... ok I just woke up from a 2 hour nap with the computer on my lap and I was biting my tongue the who time! Ouch! lol Does the biting of the tongue mean something ;p?????? I bit one side over another.... does that mean anything?!?! :D :D I <3 you all
Ever since I was able to answer questions I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to be a veterinarian (at the age of two it was "an animal doctor"). Between then and now all I have done in my life (well I have done now much more with the AOA and Angela Shelton I can now say because I am starting to recognize myself in my whole being more so) is work towards this goal and once I was old enough I started moving on the same path for humans. I wanted to help animals and humans. I wanted to know how to save their lives if something went wrong. I have determined that all my life I have suffered from chronic intense anxiety, and one of my ways to combat that was with gaining as much knowledge and certifications as I could in the medical field for all animals but especially all mammals. The funny thing to me, but now with this anxiety as I just stated is very clear now. I NEVER EVER CHANGED MY MIND about what my path was to be. I wanted to be a veterinarian (Large animal prefer- Horses, Cows, mixed farm -- or Large Zoo animals).
I NEEDED FOR MY MENTAL SAFETY NET the idea that I could control something in my environment that could easily go out of control. This was probably the one thing that partly held me together for my younger years until I gave up on the fight that live was more than just fixing physical problems.No one wants to accept the emotional challanges we all face every day, every moment of our lives. I was taught to throw away all emotions and as it is barely audible over the phone that I am crying (and I very very rarely cry because of the following I was given this from an important person in my life.
"Just deal it"/ with everything because you just have to "get over it" and "You can't be so emotional" and my favorite (enter a metric fuck ton of sarcasm now)"Stop crying. You aren't allowed to cry. Just stop being so emotional, you can't do that. Just get over it, you can't let things even if its sucks get to you. You can't cry like that. Stop it!"
Wow I once again, after hearing this over and over again through out my life from this person I got frustrated but in a sad way. I was sad because I was able to really let it sink in for me that this person was probably trying to at all costs protect themselves from being hurt in this situation. No one ever wants to hear someone else cry. So after I've been toying with the idea that this other person is actually trying to protect themselves, and this all is a coping mechanism, no matter how crappy I feel from it, it is what it is. And yes, it hurts me, yes it makes me frustrated that I can not express almost any sort of any emotion other than I would say "bland" with this person without having a negative reaction. But I feel now I am making progress in the part that now I feel sad when this person does this. I feel sad for them and that they only know how to use this coping mechanism.
_______*******_______
Now I would like to vent about my frustration that sometimes I feel like others get all of this amazing help for their medical disabilities, yet I have worked hard to try to raise money etc for very specific medical aids/devices yet get little help from people other then like two people, one of which is my best friend! But I know, and I really truly am sooooooooo Thankful for the help I have received. My best friend helped raise like $250 for my goal of $14,500 for my service dog, but all donations have stopped. The only thing I have now is the donation button here on my blog through paypal and on my website which is the same thing. I guess what just got me frustrated is that I see all of these other people with many people helping them raise their money for their dog, or raise money for PT, surgeries etc. I think we all need help. But then I feel bad, like I am not good enough and I don't deserve the help because I'm just not good enough. But I feel SOOOOO BAD and SOOOO selfish for thinking that I should get help for even one second. I have so many ideas of how I can give back some to my community with my dog after it would change my life, but again I guess from my abuse, I do not feel I deserve help, but I want help so bad. WTF lol. So yeah. Their is my currently shaken not stirred brain for you.
But as I said on twitter this summer/ fall is about leaving the past behind and finding the future. And most importantly, being ok with that.
p.s. it is in the weeeee hours of the morning now: "wow... ok I just woke up from a 2 hour nap with the computer on my lap and I was biting my tongue the who time! Ouch! lol Does the biting of the tongue mean something ;p?????? I bit one side over another.... does that mean anything?!?! :D :D I <3 you all
Friday, May 14, 2010
A New Life Gift & Video/Blogathon
Today my new and very first office of my own is in the final stages of drying before I can move in and really get myself organized and get to work in a private space. We've painted EVERYTHING, and even shampooed the carpet. Soon as I can I will be posting picture of before and during after I move in. I am so excited because it will be a place of my very own. MY OWN. My sanctuary.
Here I will better be able to take care of myself and be more affective at working with my goals as an Army of Angels! Recently with my meds being changed or not shipped on time I've had problems esp when I'm in a lot of pain. but now I see so much light and I feel it warming my skin. I can close my eyes now and not worry so much all the time.
I still worry as I always will until I reach a deeper level of healing, I will still hold my breath for half of the day as always. But this feels better than the overwhelming feelings I was having before that left me rendered almost useless. A smile is growing across my face and I like that. Also for those who know, things are settling down for the moment between me and my lover. We had a very very very rough patch, now its just rough, which is much easier. :SQUISHES: and :huggles: to all of you. You all are so powerful and special. Don't forget to go to the blogathon this weekend I'll be there over the late evening hours. The lovely Angel that is doing this is a wonderful person that I talk to all the time and is dear to me. Funny you are all so dear to me even if I don't talk to you. :huggles:
__________________________________________________________
Don't forget to mark your calander for July 9-10th for my video/blog a thon and try to skip getting coffee 2 times from Starbucks. Remember how the management raped and employee? I haven't heard anything about how they are handling that which is bad HR so I've actually stopped going there all together. But if you save money from two coffees that is like $6- $7-$8 that you could easily donate that you would have already spent that month! I've already made a small donation just because of that. :D And I got a larger donation when I told someone else about that. If you think about it, if you just gave up one coffee a month.........thats $3-$4 bucks x 12........ = so much help to keep the Angela Shelton Foundation ALIVE.
Here I will better be able to take care of myself and be more affective at working with my goals as an Army of Angels! Recently with my meds being changed or not shipped on time I've had problems esp when I'm in a lot of pain. but now I see so much light and I feel it warming my skin. I can close my eyes now and not worry so much all the time.
I still worry as I always will until I reach a deeper level of healing, I will still hold my breath for half of the day as always. But this feels better than the overwhelming feelings I was having before that left me rendered almost useless. A smile is growing across my face and I like that. Also for those who know, things are settling down for the moment between me and my lover. We had a very very very rough patch, now its just rough, which is much easier. :SQUISHES: and :huggles: to all of you. You all are so powerful and special. Don't forget to go to the blogathon this weekend I'll be there over the late evening hours. The lovely Angel that is doing this is a wonderful person that I talk to all the time and is dear to me. Funny you are all so dear to me even if I don't talk to you. :huggles:
__________________________________________________________
Don't forget to mark your calander for July 9-10th for my video/blog a thon and try to skip getting coffee 2 times from Starbucks. Remember how the management raped and employee? I haven't heard anything about how they are handling that which is bad HR so I've actually stopped going there all together. But if you save money from two coffees that is like $6- $7-$8 that you could easily donate that you would have already spent that month! I've already made a small donation just because of that. :D And I got a larger donation when I told someone else about that. If you think about it, if you just gave up one coffee a month.........thats $3-$4 bucks x 12........ = so much help to keep the Angela Shelton Foundation ALIVE.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Today
I will appreciate all of me. From my likes and dislikes, from my smiles to my frowns. No matter who I am or am not associated with, today, I will appreciate me. I will appreciate me for everything I've triumphed through and all the more to come that I know I will only have two true paths, to succeed or fail. I will not judge me any different for either outcome because today, I know, I put the best into my work so only my best can come out even if it is failure. I love myself. I know deep down, past all my self image issues that I am truly beautiful and naturally beautiful at that. I know and understand that I not only love myself but deserve much love because of the wonderful kind person that I am, even if I am lead a stray some days. I am worth everything and more. Because I am Sydney Smith, I am me, I am a woman that has seen hell and come back again fighting not for glory but for life. Me, myself, I am worth much love, in fact I deserve much love especially since I give love so freely and easily. I appreciate all of my worth and dignity. I am a woman of many forms, many hats, many possibilities. I am a Goddess and a Warrior at the same time along with Serenity. I am me. I will love my whole self today.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Angela Shelton Foundation Fundraiser
I know I was not looking my best when I shot this but I had to share my feelings! After all it was in the middle of the night! ;p
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