Vacation : Oil : Efficiency : Healing : Helping : Healing : Rescue

*********Please read the "Read Me" at the bottom of the page before reading this post. Thank you! :Huggles: ~Sydney Smith ************

      I just got back from a great vacation that was desperately needed for not only myself but my relationship with my lover. We went to a local, well... semi local beach and just did whatever we wanted. Other than being there with some other people we normally would choose not to hang out with it was great! The weather was perfect, we had a pool for the first time and a hot tub. I even got a little bit of sun for my vit D deficiency that I am suspected to have. We even splurged the first time in years and bought a nice seafood dinner! 1/2 pound of the following for my meal : clams, shrimp, crab legs! I surly could not eat it all and sadly had to leave almost half if it behind at the beach house w/ the other ppl to eat as we left a little early to beat some traffic. But the real point of this point other than to inform you of my absence once again (which I view as ok because it is self care and every one of you should be doing so- please please be taking good- no magnificent care of yourself because you are Angels! Don't forget who you are and what you deserve)
...... Again the point of this post is to tell you that this vacation really helped me heal even a little bit more and rejuvenated my very burned out and tired soul. I know many of you do SO MUCH for the cause let alone every thing you do for others such as your family members, friends, loved ones, and other survivors let alone the crap from random people. I want to let you know that taking a BREAK is a GOOD THING. It is HEALTHY for you and who you are trying to help in the first place esp.

      Why do you ask? I think it is kind of like running on really dirty rusty very very old engine oil. It still "works" but it definitely works a lot better. The car runs more efficiency, runs faster, and is much more reliable. The car is even cleaner and will have a longer, healthier life span. Some might say " So what I am doing just fine how I am right now, plus I don't have the money or time to go on any sort of vacation right now. I'm just to busy and poor and everyone needs me."

      Well I'll tell you, at least from my practice, if that is your response your in the most need of a vacation. Your holding up / supporting so much in your life that it can just suck someone bone dry in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. A respite / vacation is like a Rx for life if done right. Note: IF done correctly.

      They can be the "reset" button for your soul and mind so you are not weathered down to see the fossils that remain underneath your rock. It feeds light to your fire in backwards ways that you do not notice until much later if at all. It helps you be the you you wish and want to be. If you want and choose to help others so be it, this will help. If you wish to build another Eiffel tower it too will help.

      A respite / vacation is all about helping yourself FIRST. Yes you MUST HELP YOURSELF FIRST. If you are injured, not working well, efficiently, or are broken how will you do anything at all?? This is the ideology used in medicine when coming upon any medical scene. In order to help others you must first help yourself.  :Huggles: ~Sydney S.

*******READ ME PLEASE: I personally very much know how hard this(and all posts) is to take in and understand. This is all my opinion and is to be taken only as an opinion which every single person hase a valid equal one. I just write these posts in hopes my many years of  "experience" can mean something for at least one person. That will make me feel a lot better about all the crap I've been through. *************

More Than Thank You

This is a message stating that I am much more than thankful for the help, donations and awareness that was created over this weekend. It was beautiful and powerful even with major computer difficulties. All of you are troopers and givers. Please recognize yourself everyday for that. You have helped to change the world one day at a time. It is a blessing to me to be a part of this foundation, as I stated many times last night? (it feels like last night for me but was also Friday!) this is a people problem, and we need to come together to work on it now. You all have stepped up and with your actions said I am doing something about it, and that, that is what makes change, and what makes me cry tears of joy.

I remember when I was a "fresh" survivor I searched on the internet for hours for any sort of help, and in the first couple years I found little. Now someone can type in a simple search and probably find the Angela Shelton Foundation; Survivor Manual; and the Army of Angels. This is has and will change lives, including our own lives even more so from helping organizations that we truly believe in. I am so beyond happy to know that the ASF is here, and with our work here to stay. Remember when we discussed if someone was watching and they were currently being abused children and adults - one of you said what would it be like to help just one person tonight? Well I will tell you that we might have and that would be more than amazing, but with the donations (and those who help those donations become a reality) we are helping people 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365. Cool right? But we can't stop here, we have so many great ideas and with the power and light of the people associated with the foundation, who knows what I can do? What can we do next and how can we improve what we have?

I <3 you all and don't forget my web hugs. They are authentic. <3 ~Sydney Smith

Open our eyes to all Angela Shelton Foundation Hour 5

Open your eyes to the world around you. There is joy, sorrow, pain, health, happiness, love, hate. It is your choice to let in what you wish into your life most of the time. Sometimes, it is forced upon us in such cases as rape, violence and abuse of all kinds, but what is most important is how we handle it in the end.

For so long I blamed myself, then I blamed my family then I blamed myself again, then the world, and all at the same time men (MEN ARE RAPED TOO!!!) but through my healing years at least 7 now, I have finally come to realize it is not about who is to blame or really why. It is what I do with it. If I choose to sit on my butt and point fingers am I actually moving any where? Well I tried that and it did not work. Then I decided to give up, but then that got overwhelming (yes doing nothing can be overwhelming) and I knew I had to change something. Then I blamed someone or something or myself again and again until I had blamed all alive. That was when I was at the bottom.... scrapping for any hope. I then was litterally hopeless. Luckily for me I had a special package coming in the mail for me from a fellow survivor of horror.

Stressed out but I am blessed and thankful

I've been stressed out over the last day I guess. I did not sleep well at all last night if you could say it was sleep at all but I am happy that my partner, my lover, my man is coming home today! It will be wonderful to hold him in my arms again. We had very very little communication while he was gone which we both are not used too other than this one time out of the year so it was both good and bad. It was great having the house to myself and being able to be about when ever I wanted without being concerned of interrupting him, yet who doesn't want to talk and sleep next to their love?! :D With the new iphone 4 I think life will be even easier than it has been with skype and text messaging. When I was little I dreamed of being able to see people your talking to on your phone but I didn't think it would be here already. I know my late grandmother did NOT even think about it as she never even learned how to drive a car! Well I guess she could have ;) I just think that we are blessed to have such technology available to us. (Although I do recognize that many including myself are too poor to actually buy an iphone right now but again at least it is possible!)

Even though I am very stressed I do truly feel blessed in many ways, not just technology. I am blessed to have a family, friends, the health that I do have, shelter, healthcare, food and clean water, access to tools to communicate, education, the freedom, protection, general service that the US provides for its citizens, and so much more the list will go on... I am happy that I am starting just barely to understand what I have and how much I have to be thankful for in my life and for others lives around me. I have it really really really good. Even when I think it is the worst it could ever be, I'm really starting to notice, I have gold in comparison to others on this earth and they feel as if in their life, they have the gold. So I must let go of my complaints of this and that, and appreciate what I have, for others may not and many do not have what I do have. A perspective that I have been fishing for in my life since a child, but only now starting to understand but so happy to do so!

You know that amazing handmade soap I always talk about??

      Guess what? You know that amazing handmade natural soap that is bio-degradeable, comes in many scents and are just flat out beautiful that I tweet and post on here some times? Well their is a small contest: check it out by clicking here: My favorite at the moment that I want to try first personally is the Oatmeal-Almond Handsoap w/ honey, coconut milk and more natural ingredients. I'll tell you more about other of DeShawnMarie's creations. I "talk" with her pretty frequently and she is a really kind person on that front so yes, please buy from her! And finally she seems like a kick ass powerful woman! She has made her name from the start to the point that her business supports her fully and it is her full time job! :D

Angela Shelton Foundation Hour 3

Angela Shelton Foundation Month Long Blog-a-thon


Title: I'm more than good enough!
Post photography by: Steven Shires | Pixel Pro Shop


Please donate $ to the Angela Shelton Foundation if you get anything from this or any of my other articles this month-July 10th! Thank you. Click here to donate! To see Angela Shelton's private website click here.


Dear survivor of;


(The not so pleasant things)

• 1. The western's world pressure on women to be thin and beautiful, and sexy 24-7
• 2. Physical disabilities
• 3. Emotional disorders (most caused by something listed later or society)
• 4. Graduating from a semi-broken University
• 5. Having family (a wonderful one though) that lacked emotional output as in hugs frequently
• 6. Learning disabilities that were never tested and treated until I requested it in college after my difficult math course because I could tell no one was having as much difficultly as me and I was also flipping numbers. Also my professor said that I might have a LD so I should get tested and be extra careful on exams esp. until then :p. I was only able to be tested after that course was over and I was at least 1+ standard deviations away from my IQ! 112-124?= IQ while Math= 75 which is or one point away from MR! 
• 7. Being in an abusive relationship for too long. It wasn't even that long but then their was the aftermath. 
• 8. In this abusive relationship, the physical abuse
• 9. In this abusive relationship, the emotional abuse like I am stupid when he was the stupid one 
• 10. In this abusive relationship, the still hard to even type sexual abuse and r word, rape. I said it. good for me! 

The point here is I SURVIVED IT AND...

(Pleasant things..)

• 1. I am actually pretty
• 2. I am not "fat"
• 3. Someone in the world cares or is affected by something I do
• 4. I am loved... I am loved... I am loved (creating new neuro pathways hehe ;D)
• 5. I love that I have a family that cares a lot about me
• 6. I am an Artist
• 7. I love having my sever chronic pain managed somewhat for the moment
• 8. I love having a partner/ significant other/bf that cares a lot about me
• 9. I love my ability to connect with animals
• 10. I love that I know I have LIGHT inside me that will never ever go away, that will always be there even if I don't feel it, that I can always work to rekindle my light, and help others find their light that they have that also will never go away even if they think they have never felt it before.
• 11. I enjoy friendships even when I feel horrible for not having enough time for them. 
• 12. I love horseback riding and the feeling of connection between myself and the horse. Also the independence and freedom once in the saddle. <3
• 13. I love Mother Earth
• 14. I love that I know I have already LOVED much not mention and I love that I know that I will LOVE MUCH MORE!

      That is the past, I have faced it head on, eye to eye, heart to heart. I've dived deep down into my past's soul and come out not just SURVIVING but THRIVING.        ~YES THRIVING!!!!!

      This achievement in my life that I once felt was a personal disaster happened due to the following people and organizations in order by date: My boy friend, my (good) counselors, my University's women's center, TBTN, The Clothesline Project, Angela Shelton, some of my Professors, The Glass Breaking Project, Army of Angels, and all the other survivors through A.S. and other places. Thank you and others that I did not mention for specific reasons. You have changed a life. I have finally given up somethings that I thought were right if a person tells you so. (ie. Your stupid- from my Abuser). Well I am now free from that, I am "me", whom ever I wish to be! And I am a smart beautiful person ~Sydney Smith

      Consequently now I'm on the search of who I am and want to be now that I am not Stupid, fat and ugly! I'm so excited! I know it won't be easy but I pray I have gone threw the hardest part. I posted this photograph by Steven Shires that he made for AUU. I think this is very representative of what this process is. I'm just trying to climb one mountain at a time..... it should be easier that way and should not be so daunting looking at one compared to the range. Thank you Steven! If anyone would like a print of this photo you can either contact Steven Shires yourself at the website that I have linked in this post or on my coffee lounge. I think it would be nice to have in an office don't you think?!

How do you work with hard to work with ppl?

      Their are always times when each of us has well... a stick up our butt, woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, and just those that should plain as day go back to bed and start the F* over. I've been their many many times myself, and I've actually HAVE GONE BACK TO BED to restart my day lol. But my question is what do you do with people that you can not send back to bed ( lol wouldn't it be nice if you could send your boss to time out or bed time? or in college or Dean or a Professor to do the same?) ?
      So you would think since I AM one of these people some of the time I would understand how to help them. That is how it works for most other things. But here I stand clueless. I've tried to just continued to be who and what I was doing at the time, other times I've tried to help the person see how powerful they are and that works for a moment to snap them out of it and then it just makes them pissed off like "why the f* are YOU telling ME to be powerful you F*!" Most of the time I just leave them alone, but just a moment ago I was trying to help my Significant Other get out of the funk he has been in all day by asking him if he could try to be powerful. He then got mad blah blah. *** Note he has asked me to ask him to be powerful when he gets like this.
      Now I feel screwed over. Damed if I do, slightly less damed if I don't only that I will not get direct blame for trying to "fix" it on top of what ever else is going on that is irratiating him at the moment due to the stick still securely placed. Does anyone an answer to what I could do other than leave the area with my S.O.? That is just what happens and I hate it. Why do I hate it so much? Because its a form of rejecting him, and it does NOT work when you are traveling AT ALL and I've tried lol.
      So in all this is my question to you, how do you deal with difficult people? How does it affect you? How does it make you feel- do you have panic attacks when things go wrong as I do sometimes? Are you ok with these situations or would you rather deflect them? Please feel free to leave comments in the comments right below this post!

    

Angela Shelton Foundation Fundraiser by Angela!

Hello! I wanted to share and or remind all of you that Angela Shelton herself will be online for 24 hours starting at 1pm PT, or 4pm EST TODAY Saturday June 12- June 13th to raise money and awareness for the Angela Shelton Foundation. Next month I will be doing the same thing on July 9th. Its held on Ustream.tv for both events but all you have to do when you are at the site if you don't have the ink is search for our names! Thats easy enough! So this month search for: Angela Shelton -- next month-- Sydney Smith if I find the links I will attach them. <3 you all I hope to see you there!

Its been a while

Hello everyone! Its been a while since I've been back but ...

      Look at the beautiful picture above(top of blog) from Steven Shires from Pixel Pro Shop! I know I say it every time, but as a semi-professional artist, I personally sincerely appreciate Mr. Shires work and his charity to AUU. He made the above for Angels Undercover & Undiscovered as another gift *Note he has already made other photos for AUU so a big Thank you on behalf of AUU to Steven Shires for helping to support our org!

      I've personally been working on my path to wholeness and more. Just last night I signed up for a 10 week class that is supposed to help with a persons commitment to their word. Honestly I do have an issue with this. Many times I will say "I will do something" on the "note that I can always back out if I need to due too"...... my physical disability, panic attacks, anxiety, &/or Angela Shelton live show on Sundays at 12pm PT/ 3pm EST etc *wink. But I know this is not the way I want to continue living my life, but I don't know how to account for those times that I truly cannot make it to commitments I've made due to things that are not in my control. As I learn different ways of thinking and dealing with this issue I will blog about it. Wait! I hope I will because I just made a commitment their to you *blah** lol. I suppose if I do share that means the class is working. The class is not starting until Aug. so we will have to sit tight until then ;)

     I cannot wait for my BLOG-A-THON & VIDEO-A-THON!!!! This month (June) I will be preparing for that 24 hr long commitment that I am going to do and I pray succeed in. My goal is to raise at least $800.00 for the Angela Shelton Foundation to help raise a total of $20,000 for the foundation to pay what they need to remain a 501-c3 Non-Profit. I have already collected old clothes for the local woman's shelter along with beauty products that I don't need such as hair electric pieces. I have personally stayed in a women and children shelter and I remember how bad it was. This is why I want to specifically donate to them. I would guess that the worth of the amount collected so far for the shelter donation is at least $200.00+. I have many different ideas for the video-a-thon I just need to go out and bring a helper and shoot some video so I can have things prepared for the moments when its 3am and my brain is not functioning properly or at noon when I have a large audience that does not know about the Angela Shelton Foundation and what it is about and why we are apart of it and supporting it. I'm thinking of also doing a slide presentation if I can get it to work on ustream.tv ..... OOOO--- YES! I will if I get permission from Angela, take video of me shooting at the range on at least a pistol on a 22 mm at least- I may move up to something stronger as I am learning more about shooting and safety protocols. I so want to get pics up for you all from the high power range too = to rifle. *Though I want to remind all of you that I only am using guns as a hobby but respect them as what they are capable of which is taking a life. Also, I do not own a gun as I do not feel that I should currently own a gun because I do not have a gun safe and do not know if or when I will have children in my home. Also I do choose to drink right now along with my partner/boy friend, and I will not allow personally to have a gun (even disassembled and not with ammo) in my home if there is no one at the home at all times to be responsible for a gun / taking a life. I am pretty much just saying please respect them and please don't judge me negatively for using them as a hobby only in a safe manor until you know me very very very personally. Thank you!

Maybe I will start looking into all this astrology stuff.....

        Once upon a night in a far away land their was a woman that was determined not to sleep (reasons to be explained on twitter)  I was poking around on the net around 4:30 am or so and since it seems astrology is a semi big thing in Hollywood right now I wanted to see why. I haven't been really impressed yet but that is because I have not done any studies yet but I am not deterred. You see I am a scientist, yep degree and all. I've conducted research studies and had to get over Myth-busters  SEVER lack of science (oh sometimes it still makes me tremble). But I am opened minded to many many things.  I do believe in some sort of Supreme Being(s) and I am love my religion that is accepting of most faiths.  For example, in my church you can be Buddhist, Hindu, Christian, Mormon, LDS, Quaker, + + +. We just do not accept those who worship the devil and a few other things. I view my religious choice as pretty darn accepting, and I like to think that I TRY to be accepting of as many different things as humanly possible as long as they do not extremely fundamentally go against my moral values such as violence of any kind, including rape, discrimination, things like that. 

        The reason why I just voiced all of that is because I wanted to show you that I am willing to give things a chance even if I don't really believe in them. This does include social things like astrology readings. 

        Over all the point of this post is that I will report back to see if my mini flawed 'study' will show any sort of results

**SUPER NOVA DAYS

Jun 4 - 8: Stairway to Heaven

Your imagination runs wild over the weekend as your key planet Mars opposes magical Neptune on June 4. You'll be convinced that pretty much anything is possible in the days ahead. The difficulty, however, is finding a balance between your most outrageous dreams and a more practical approach to life. You are forced to make adjustments to increase efficiency and narrow your vision when energetic Mars enters laser-sharp Virgo on June 7. But it isn't a good idea to settle for less. Even if you have practical issues to address, they could be critical steps propelling you to the stars. 

 **Cited from: http://www.tarot.com/astrology/monthly/getforecast.php




Ps. Don't forget to donate to my cause for the Angela Shelton Foundation which I have a link here on the main page of this blog along with a donation button if you would like to help feed me! :D and or support me in getting my service dog. You can even email me and tell me what you want me to do with the money you donate to me at DearAngealShelton    -At-    Gmail    .    com     or                TheSydneySmithProject    @    gmail.com    ( spaces for web bots)


I hope you all are doing well :HUGGLES: and a long one at that. <3~Sydney

PART 1 : Just had something that make me frustrated but should I be?

I apologize this is going to be a bit long, I will make the major part that relates to the title for those who want the short and sweet version at the END and in a different color ;) Love ya! :SQUISH: and you can NOT forget my :HUGGLES: to you! I have changed the font on this post for a reason. I feel it fits better....just me being all artistic and shite lol


Ever since I was able to answer questions I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to be a veterinarian (at the age of two it was "an animal doctor"). Between then and now all I have done in my life (well I have done now much more with the AOA and Angela Shelton I can now say because I am starting to recognize myself in my whole being more so) is work towards this goal and once I was old enough I started moving on the same path for humans. I wanted to help animals and humans. I wanted to know how to save their lives if something went wrong. I have determined that all my life I have suffered from chronic intense anxiety, and one of my ways to combat that was with gaining as much knowledge and certifications as I could in the medical field for all animals but especially all mammals. The funny thing to me, but now with this anxiety as I just stated is very clear now. I NEVER EVER CHANGED MY MIND about what my path was to be. I wanted to be a veterinarian (Large animal prefer- Horses, Cows, mixed farm -- or Large Zoo animals).

 I NEEDED FOR MY MENTAL SAFETY NET the idea that I could control something in my environment that could easily go out of control. This was probably the one thing that partly held me together for my younger years until I gave up on the fight that live was more than just fixing physical problems. 

 No one wants to accept the emotional challanges we all face every day, every moment of our lives. I was taught to throw away all emotions and as it is barely audible over the phone that I am crying (and I very very rarely cry because of the following I was given this from an important person in my life.

"Just deal it"/ with everything because you just have to "get over it" and "You can't be so emotional" and my favorite (enter a metric fuck ton of sarcasm now)"Stop crying. You aren't allowed to cry. Just stop being so emotional, you can't do that. Just get over it, you can't let things even if its sucks get to you. You can't cry like that. Stop it!" 

Wow I once again, after hearing this over and over again through out my life from this person I got frustrated but in a sad way. I was sad because I was able to really let it sink in for me that this person was probably trying to at all costs protect themselves from being hurt in this situation. No one ever wants to hear someone else cry. So after I've been toying with the idea that this other person is actually trying to protect themselves, and this all is a coping mechanism, no matter how crappy I feel from it, it is what it is. And yes, it hurts me, yes it makes me frustrated that I can not express almost any sort of any emotion other than I would say "bland" with this person without having a negative reaction. But I feel now I am making progress in the part that now I feel sad when this person does this. I feel sad for them and that they only know how to use this coping mechanism.


_______*******_______


Now I would like to vent about my frustration that sometimes I feel like others get all of this amazing help for their medical disabilities, yet I have worked hard to try to raise money etc for very specific medical aids/devices yet get little help from people other then like two people, one of which is my best friend! But I know, and I really truly am sooooooooo Thankful for the help I have received. My best friend helped raise like $250 for my goal of $14,500 for my service dog, but all donations have stopped. The only thing I have now is the donation button here on my blog through paypal and on my website which is the same thing. I guess what just got me frustrated is that I see all of these other people with many people helping them raise their money for their dog, or raise money for PT, surgeries etc. I think we all need help. But then I feel bad, like I am not good enough and I don't deserve the help because I'm just not good enough. But I feel SOOOOO BAD and SOOOO selfish for thinking that I should get help for even one second. I have so many ideas of how I can give back some to my community with my dog after it would change my life, but again I guess from my abuse, I do not feel I deserve help, but I want help so bad. WTF lol. So yeah. Their is my currently shaken not stirred brain for you. 


But as I said on twitter this summer/ fall is about leaving the past behind and finding the future. And most importantly, being ok with that. 


p.s. it is in the weeeee hours of the morning now: "wow... ok I just woke up from a 2 hour nap with the computer on my lap and I was biting my tongue the who time! Ouch! lol Does the biting of the tongue mean something ;p?????? I bit one side over another.... does that mean anything?!?! :D :D I <3 you all

A gift from Steven Shires from Shires Photography

Another sweet gift that reminds me that men in this world are ok. Not all of them hurt. Some of them are just plain good people that blow you away but it could be because this person is from the South lol. I vote this person is just a great person. I love their family too!

 I think this should be a new AUU motto :)

Side note: my favorite thing about Shires Photography is that the work is actually ART. I am a semi-professional artist. In fact this year and esp in the next few months I will be putting my nose to the grind stone to prepare for and up coming show in July. I have always admired photography and even tried to dabble in it myself but I've never. ever. seen someone come out with a piece of photography like this Artist (yes that is what I believe this person should be called) does. It's different and I love that. The photos many times do not even look like photos and rather perfect paintings. The photos can bring you in and swirl your mind in the nature brought before your eyes. This is one of three photographers, really two that I consider to have the ART down in the entire US, one of them worked for National Geographic. But I shouldn't judge the art for you, you should have a look for yourself. From the work he has just done I really enjoy the waterfall series. Again it is Shires Photography and the link is on the Right hand side of my blog or you can click right on the title of this posting. I also had a photo shoot with Steven Shires and I couldn't be more happy with the results. Now... run along! lol go look! I can't wait to get more photos taken after I loose some more weight since I'm in less pain! He is worth the flight, drive etc

New feature! A new way to show you appreciate what I do!

So I just set up my very first paypal account as I had to in order to pay to go to this conference about over coming sexual abuse/assault and domestic violence + all the crap that comes with it. Now you ask why am I going? Because I am in the Army of Angels and it is our duty to learn as much as we can so we can make real changes in the world and help others in need. Unfortunately as most of you who have kept up with my blog and such sweet hearts you are know the disabilities I have and my pursuit of a service dog. Well, all of this and helping other survivors has left me more than broke. I did just finally pay off a loan that I had for 6 years for over $3,000 in non-covered medical expenses that I racked up in 6 days. Goodness did that feel amazing when I paid that off. But did you know that two patches two 4-6 inch patches cost $150 and I am supposed to wear two in 24 hours, and I wear 3 different types of medical patches :(. But I feel so much better than I did before. I can actually STAND, and for like more than 15 seconds and the kicker is that I can dress myself most of the time now! OH YEAH hehe lets have a parrrtyaaa. lol anyways this sounds like a depressing fest which is not what I want.

But a friend of mine said - why don't you put up one of those pay pal donation buttons on your blog. Everyone does it, and then if people like what you do they can contribute to help you get by and continue doing your work. Another friend sincerely agreed when I didn't want to do this, even when I might be looking at $14,500 price tag for my service dog which I will get no matter what I have to do I don't care if no one will hire me right now bc of my disability I will find a way. I need the darn dog to get a job lol catch 22. So here I go, I'm putting up the paypal donation button but their are major things you must know. IT IS NOT. N-O-T tax deductable. I am not a nonprofit (though someday I wish I could be and build high tech shelters) but again you would just be donating money to the person that supports other survivors and is one herself, and honestly, could use a little food in my fridge every once in a while. So here I reluctantly go. Putting myself out their. Maybe people could ask questions they want answered or something.... here we go...

If you can't donate or want to share this with others you can send this code in an email and a link to my blog so they can check me out!

The button: 

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=ED34ERT3UKY8E

The blog

 http://angelsundercoverandundiscovered.blogspot.com/

                                            Thank you~Love Sydney Smith

Photography by Pixel Pro Shop: Steven Shires

Why

NOTE: This posting has negative language in it. It is recommend that it be read by adult readers only.  This posting in no way is representative of the organizations that I support.




This is the year of why. Why the fuck this and why the fuck that. Really why the fuck anything. I usually answer "Just because" but that is not flying any more with me being in my mid twenties with my degree almost in my red hot hands and no job to be herd of or even thought of at this time. My psychologist ( I went with a psychologist this time because the many years of counselors and therapists seem to have gotten me no where so I though yes, Sydney go with the one with a bigger and better degree! Plus you have to pay them more so they have to be better right?????) says to me that I am in a "time of transitioning" and keeps on asking me what I'm going to do with my life. Time and time again I give him some bs answer ( oh yes, my lovely degree is in bs~Love it!) and he just gives me a frown. God dam I would tell him if I fucking knew! But I don't know. Why is that? Why don't I know where the hell I'm going and with who and for how long? I see other people around me in the same point of life ( now many they haven't had the "life experiences cough: being raped etc" like I have ) and they know where they are going and who they are doing. Literally. They are married. I want to be married. I've been in a mono relationship for 7+ years. 7+ years and now, just now we are in couples counseling. Now I love this person so much I believe that no one could understand but :sigh:

Now I would LOVE love to delve into this more but I don't know if my lover will take me if I were to do this. Maybe in the future as I'm trying to be more true on this blog now.

Anyways. So fuckin A. Fucking Y. Why did all of this crap happen to me a long time ago ( the stuff that lead me to Angela Shelton). Am I supposed to do something with it because right now I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job at any of that world. But at the same time I SOOO want to do something. I want to change something. But why?? Why this why that why anything at all?

This change in me being in mucho less pain for the majority of the time has opened my brain and my life again. Before it all I was a leader of men, yes of men. And I was very good at it. Hummm....So now I will just eat cake to dull this question for now.... yumm.

Honey Yummy Butter

I've modified this recipe from the book: The Healthy College Cookbook. Quick, Cheap. Easy. by Alanandria Nimeta. Jason Stanley. and Emelie Starr.

Orig. Res. (Came out too sweet, amongst other things)
    
      2 tablespoons of butter (salted)
      2 tablespoons of honey
      1 teaspoon of vanilla

MY Changes that got a yummy approval from two men......

      6 - to - 8 tablespoons of butter (salted)
     2 tablespoons of RAW honey
     1 teaspoon of vanilla

1. in a small saucepan warm the butter slightly. Add the money and vanilla. and mix well. (Make sure not to burn the butter other wise you will have to start over start all over!

2. You can use immediately or refrigerate for later use. If I happen to make A LOT then I will also freeze some also.

SERVINGS 6

 * I prefer it on freshly baked french loaf (with in 3 days old)
******************************************************************
    
(sorry I just read this after some sleep and this makes almost no sense- I guess that is what I get for blogging when I was falling asleep in the middle of my typing here on my blog lol)

----- I'm full of anxiety right now so that is why I've been up all night working on this blog and other things. I don't know how to make it stop :( I wish I could take some Xanax so that ld find a place of peace. But a place of real true peace. My head doc said that if my panic attacks get real bad again. I should call 911 or go to the ER because I could be having heart palpitations and is not going to make that go away. Right now I could NOT N. O. T. bring myself to do that because I hate doctors as you all know, and I don't want them to think I'm crazy per say. I'm really not. I just have a strong anxiety problem that is not under full control yet esp because a new medication is being shipped to me but won't be here for at least a half a week or more..... Anyways. Its not like writting about it will make it any better or talking about it I guess either ( I'm so negative right now during a panic attack lol). I found it just helps delay the intense moments I've been running from. Later I will read this and hate it because it was my anxiety monster talking and not me, the real me that I know(ugh right now it hurts to type this) is powerful!

Dear Survivors, Shit to poo its all good

I've noticed again many of you/us have hit another rough patch. It is either a pile of horse crap, (although I do love horses!) or a new pot hole that came out of no where on the highway and you were going 90. Well, bless you Angels. Bless you for all the crap you've been through and all the shit you will go through in the future. Bless you for the power you have obtained by having noses that are much more hard core than the average person and only typically take notice to the herd of skunks that just had a brazilian wax job in front of your nose. You are a warrior with your experience, knowledge and life skills. I've seen you take the horse shit and make it into a beautiful sculpture, then when cold light it for fire, then when it rains use it to help seal the shelter. I've finally come to realize that yes, shit might not shine, but it does have its purpose as poop. You ladies have figured out the 101 ways to use it and be beautiful people at the same time. I love you for that. Thank you for inspiring me to live on in this life with ever raining shit that I've learned to love and call poo.

If you enjoy my posts consider donating to the cause that saved me: http://www.firstgiving.com/sydneysmithaoa

*spoiler aleart* to a new post

I just got back from the ER again, things went much better this time. Not as much as I would have preferred,  but the experience was MUCH better then the last one.

Next is that I set up an appointment with a new pain doctor.

After this my significant other got mad that he had to take time out of this schedule and pick me up from the hospital. As I had to drive myself bc when it is there he usually makes it worse and is just speedy gonzolaz trying to get home.

And Lastly I had a great easter egg hunt with my s.o.'s family. And again found many 4 leaf and even a 5, and a 6 leaf clover! So I now probably have about #600 collected/ picked. 

Going Shooting today!

Guess what?! I'm going shooting today and I'm very excited about it. It is a beautiful day here so right now I am broadcasting LIVE from my backyard :) I'm going to a range to get over my fears of guns and learn how to use them safely.

____

After shooting

I had a great time. I feel much more comfortable with a gun. I know how to disarm a gun, I know how to properly handle one, and my fear has been significantly reduced. This makes me so happy because again its a part of my path of healing. But on a fun note I did very well too! If someone makes a donation to my fund raiser for the Angela Shelton Foundation by the end of tomorrow I will post my targets! Trust me one of them is really funny. You can donate money to the foundation by clicking on the link on the right.

I hope you all are doing well on your journey. :huggles:

Tired, drained emotionally

I know I am not alone when I find myself having the feeling that I am just completely drained, tired, and needing time to recover emotionally. On the path to healing their can be piles of shit laying in the road, which I do expect. In fact I have gotten used to the stench of crap on my shoes for a while now. But I have a shovel with me. When I can no longer walk over the piles of crap, I must, with my brute strength, use my shovel to clear my path. I remind myself that this is MY PATH, and no matter what "crap" may choose to lay in my way, I will over come it. Now I do not deny that some days I can not see over the mound and I stand there, just staring at it as if in awe. But then I am reminded after some time, and maybe even some tears, that I have acquired tools on my journey. Ones that can help me over come this giant load of crap before my eyes. I must believe and remember from past experiences that I am just a gosh darn powerful person. I have already been through so much in my life and I have SURVIVED. What is just one more pile of crap? Not much really, I've overcome so much, I CAN take on anything (as I believe any survivor can). It is just a matter of reminding myself how far I have come on my path of healing, how much I have endured, and that I am truly strong, powerful and importantly full of love.

Love push you much farther than most other things. This is why I am now working very hard on loving myself. If I truly love myself, what wouldn't I do for myself? I hope you will take on the mission of love your self more - their is no end to love..... and it makes us stronger.

Song-by me

Song Title :" YOU” 
By Sydney Smith
Lyrics go to the music of “If I was a boy” for the majority by beyonce
From my website subpage : Sydney Smith's Songs and Poems



Sometimes it’s more than a push
I feels more like a punch
Like your forcing me to throw away
Everything that makes up my name
But each time you say
It is better for me
To put it all aside and 
Make it all just go away
But I don’t know if I can
Live up to your demands
I don’t know if I can play along
And run your marathon
The more I am who you want
The more my mirror is blinded
Not knowing who I am
Or where I started from
But each time you say
It is better off for me
To put it all aside and
Make it all just go away
Yet I know there is more than you
I know some where is me
I just have to look real hard
To rediscover what you pushed from me
Yeah I know 
I’m worth at least that
Because I’m beautiful 
And you can’t take away that
Yeah
Because I’m beautiful
And you can’t take away that
Yeah 
Because I’m beautiful 
And you can’t take away that