What is going on right now?

Hello everyone. I know it has been a while since I've been on here. Things before now were going pretty well until a certain event happened in my life, but even when that happened I still feel like I handled it pretty darn well for the circumstances. I felt in control even when things were not ideal. But right now, things are a bit better in a larger way sort of even though what has happened in the past still is true and very present in my life, .... actually I don't know what the hell is going on.

I feel as if I have no constant in my life and that is a very very scary thing and that is what I think is pushing me right now. I don't even have my own health. I don't know that I will have a family, a lover, a home, or anything. Right now I am very thankful for each and everything I have and each moment I have with every person I know. I feel like it all can be taken away any second. I really wish something could be guaranteed to me other than nothing is guaranteed. Due to this I feel like their is a large earth quake under neath my feet and sometimes I am left with no ground to stand on or it is rushing water and I must scramble to find any sort of land even if that land is only mud which is really not suitable for standing on only for stepping threw or over. Also when your stepping threw the mud it is best to do so with an extra hand reaching out to help steady you threw.

I feel like I have no one, and never ever will. I've lost part of my family, a very important part, my only female figure and now the rest of my family is just different from me which is fine. But whatever. We are all split up.

I need a hand, and I need a woman's voice to hear. I wish I had a sister right now very very very badly. But I am not one to ask for anything that I need because that is part of how I was raised. I don't know if I will ever over come that. I am not allowed to cry or if I do on accident it doesn't matter because their is a point to be made no matter what I say. It is like my voice is not heard or something? I learned it just is this way, and I am trying so hard to fight that and to unlearn that because I know in order to be the person I really am, I can not remember what I've learned and am reminded of time and time again.

I am stronger and more powerful than that. I know that deep in my heart. I mean look at all the shit I've come threw and all that I've done. That has to mean something!

Sacrifice the Victims to Save the Victimless?

Today I was at a party with old time friends going back many years, and quite honestly I was very surprised to have interpreted what I did by the end of the night. *I know that ALL communication is very tricky, just like a field full of uncharted land mines but with ice cream trucks and money spread all about this very same field that sends each and every one of us, no matter now intelligent or emotionally aware we are, and therefore want to state that everything I say is filtered threw that ear of interpretation, life baggage, level of intelligence, emotional awareness at the event and moments between then and now, and literally my hearing! In all this is my get out of jail card incase I have massively fed up. Now that said moving on.

*My friend who is a teacher brought up some crazy things that happen in her school and the local schools around her. Some of the things are funny, sad, and just flat out amazing in that - a kid really did that?!?! We keep on telling her to write a book because she has so much material if she can do so without exposing herself or the kids legally- plus she would make some extra $! Lord knows she needs it as she is getting nothing. So we got to this one story where in a high school that was actually not local but a teachers friend (another teacher) more than a few states away, had a year book scandal.

In the beginning it sounds ok. "Share your secrets of high school." The yearbook group asked for submissions and they received many. But the principle and alike were not ready for the reality of their secrets. Just to jump to the end of the story the year book had posted in it things such as " I've had two abortions and no one knows" and "I have sex in order to feel wanted" and another was hinted maybe about rape by my teacher friend but I didn't think she wanted to say that one for fear we would talk about it- thinking of me.

If a girl or guy in a high school has no other place she or he feels safe enough to share that they were ***sexually assaulted, raped, victims of domestic violence, bullying, suicidal feelings, over pressured to succeed, pregnant and need help deciding what to do then following with that choice, emotional needs, drugs, gangs etc etc and too many are obviously needing that help which is not being reached any other place ie in the home and or church (ideal places I feel) then it is my opinion that it is the schools job to step in. No one else will.

So I proposed that they had an education program about the things high schoolers typically face in todays times which include the above mentioned(see ***) as a general response to this that would also include professional counselors etc. and in part be run by professional counselors.

This is what got me tonight- My friend of many years ~ said if I had a daughter, and she didn't have any of those problems(***), I much rather her not go to that because I don't want her to be scared/ horrified for the rest of her life feeling like she all ways has to look out for something bad to happen.

(to be continued must sleep)

Vacation : Oil : Efficiency : Healing : Helping : Healing : Rescue

*********Please read the "Read Me" at the bottom of the page before reading this post. Thank you! :Huggles: ~Sydney Smith ************

      I just got back from a great vacation that was desperately needed for not only myself but my relationship with my lover. We went to a local, well... semi local beach and just did whatever we wanted. Other than being there with some other people we normally would choose not to hang out with it was great! The weather was perfect, we had a pool for the first time and a hot tub. I even got a little bit of sun for my vit D deficiency that I am suspected to have. We even splurged the first time in years and bought a nice seafood dinner! 1/2 pound of the following for my meal : clams, shrimp, crab legs! I surly could not eat it all and sadly had to leave almost half if it behind at the beach house w/ the other ppl to eat as we left a little early to beat some traffic. But the real point of this point other than to inform you of my absence once again (which I view as ok because it is self care and every one of you should be doing so- please please be taking good- no magnificent care of yourself because you are Angels! Don't forget who you are and what you deserve)
...... Again the point of this post is to tell you that this vacation really helped me heal even a little bit more and rejuvenated my very burned out and tired soul. I know many of you do SO MUCH for the cause let alone every thing you do for others such as your family members, friends, loved ones, and other survivors let alone the crap from random people. I want to let you know that taking a BREAK is a GOOD THING. It is HEALTHY for you and who you are trying to help in the first place esp.

      Why do you ask? I think it is kind of like running on really dirty rusty very very old engine oil. It still "works" but it definitely works a lot better. The car runs more efficiency, runs faster, and is much more reliable. The car is even cleaner and will have a longer, healthier life span. Some might say " So what I am doing just fine how I am right now, plus I don't have the money or time to go on any sort of vacation right now. I'm just to busy and poor and everyone needs me."

      Well I'll tell you, at least from my practice, if that is your response your in the most need of a vacation. Your holding up / supporting so much in your life that it can just suck someone bone dry in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. A respite / vacation is like a Rx for life if done right. Note: IF done correctly.

      They can be the "reset" button for your soul and mind so you are not weathered down to see the fossils that remain underneath your rock. It feeds light to your fire in backwards ways that you do not notice until much later if at all. It helps you be the you you wish and want to be. If you want and choose to help others so be it, this will help. If you wish to build another Eiffel tower it too will help.

      A respite / vacation is all about helping yourself FIRST. Yes you MUST HELP YOURSELF FIRST. If you are injured, not working well, efficiently, or are broken how will you do anything at all?? This is the ideology used in medicine when coming upon any medical scene. In order to help others you must first help yourself.  :Huggles: ~Sydney S.

*******READ ME PLEASE: I personally very much know how hard this(and all posts) is to take in and understand. This is all my opinion and is to be taken only as an opinion which every single person hase a valid equal one. I just write these posts in hopes my many years of  "experience" can mean something for at least one person. That will make me feel a lot better about all the crap I've been through. *************

More Than Thank You

This is a message stating that I am much more than thankful for the help, donations and awareness that was created over this weekend. It was beautiful and powerful even with major computer difficulties. All of you are troopers and givers. Please recognize yourself everyday for that. You have helped to change the world one day at a time. It is a blessing to me to be a part of this foundation, as I stated many times last night? (it feels like last night for me but was also Friday!) this is a people problem, and we need to come together to work on it now. You all have stepped up and with your actions said I am doing something about it, and that, that is what makes change, and what makes me cry tears of joy.

I remember when I was a "fresh" survivor I searched on the internet for hours for any sort of help, and in the first couple years I found little. Now someone can type in a simple search and probably find the Angela Shelton Foundation; Survivor Manual; and the Army of Angels. This is has and will change lives, including our own lives even more so from helping organizations that we truly believe in. I am so beyond happy to know that the ASF is here, and with our work here to stay. Remember when we discussed if someone was watching and they were currently being abused children and adults - one of you said what would it be like to help just one person tonight? Well I will tell you that we might have and that would be more than amazing, but with the donations (and those who help those donations become a reality) we are helping people 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365. Cool right? But we can't stop here, we have so many great ideas and with the power and light of the people associated with the foundation, who knows what I can do? What can we do next and how can we improve what we have?

I <3 you all and don't forget my web hugs. They are authentic. <3 ~Sydney Smith

Open our eyes to all Angela Shelton Foundation Hour 5

Open your eyes to the world around you. There is joy, sorrow, pain, health, happiness, love, hate. It is your choice to let in what you wish into your life most of the time. Sometimes, it is forced upon us in such cases as rape, violence and abuse of all kinds, but what is most important is how we handle it in the end.

For so long I blamed myself, then I blamed my family then I blamed myself again, then the world, and all at the same time men (MEN ARE RAPED TOO!!!) but through my healing years at least 7 now, I have finally come to realize it is not about who is to blame or really why. It is what I do with it. If I choose to sit on my butt and point fingers am I actually moving any where? Well I tried that and it did not work. Then I decided to give up, but then that got overwhelming (yes doing nothing can be overwhelming) and I knew I had to change something. Then I blamed someone or something or myself again and again until I had blamed all alive. That was when I was at the bottom.... scrapping for any hope. I then was litterally hopeless. Luckily for me I had a special package coming in the mail for me from a fellow survivor of horror.

Angela Shelton Foundation Hour 4

I just told my story for the first time. Yes, I could actually be harmed from doing this, but it is worth it for getting awareness out for old, new and unforuntately to come survivors?

Hour 3 Angela Shelton Bloga-thon

Angela Shelton Foundation Month Long Blog-a-thon

Title: I'm more than good enough!

Post photography by: Steven Shires | Pixel Pro Shop

Please donate $ to the Angela Shelton Foundation if you get anything from this or any of my other articles this month-July 10th! Thank you. Click here to donate! To see Angela Shelton's private website click here.

Dear survivor of;

(The not so pleasant things)

• 1. The western's world pressure on women to be thin and beautiful, and sexy 24-7
• 2. Physical disabilities
• 3. Emotional disorders (most caused by something listed later or society)
• 4. Graduating from a semi-broken University
• 5. Having family (a wonderful one though) that lacked emotional output as in hugs frequently
• 6. Learning disabilities that were never tested and treated until I requested it in college after my difficult math course because I could tell no one was having as much difficultly as me and I was also flipping numbers. Also my professor said that I might have a LD so I should get tested and be extra careful on exams esp. until then :p. I was only able to be tested after that course was over and I was at least 1+ standard deviations away from my IQ! 112-124?= IQ while Math= 75 which is or one point away from MR! 
• 7. Being in an abusive relationship for too long. It wasn't even that long but then their was the aftermath. 
• 8. In this abusive relationship, the physical abuse
• 9. In this abusive relationship, the emotional abuse like I am stupid when he was the stupid one 
• 10. In this abusive relationship, the still hard to even type sexual abuse and r word, rape. I said it. good for me! 

The point here is I SURVIVED IT AND...

(Pleasant things..)

• 1. I am actually pretty
• 2. I am not "fat"
• 3. Someone in the world cares or is affected by something I do
• 4. I am loved... I am loved... I am loved (creating new neuro pathways hehe ;D)
• 5. I love that I have a family that cares a lot about me
• 6. I am an Artist
• 7. I love having my sever chronic pain managed somewhat for the moment
• 8. I love having a partner/ significant other/bf that cares a lot about me
• 9. I love my ability to connect with animals
• 10. I love that I know I have LIGHT inside me that will never ever go away, that will always be there even if I don't feel it, that I can always work to rekindle my light, and help others find their light that they have that also will never go away even if they think they have never felt it before.
• 11. I enjoy friendships even when I feel horrible for not having enough time for them. 
• 12. I love horseback riding and the feeling of connection between myself and the horse. Also the independence and freedom once in the saddle. <3
• 13. I love Mother Earth
• 14. I love that I know I have already LOVED much not mention and I love that I know that I will LOVE MUCH MORE!

      That is the past, I have faced it head on, eye to eye, heart to heart. I've dived deep down into my past's soul and come out not just SURVIVING but THRIVING.        ~YES THRIVING!!!!!

      This achievement in my life that I once felt was a personal disaster happened due to the following people and organizations in order by date: My boy friend, my (good) counselors, my University's women's center, TBTN, The Clothesline Project, Angela Shelton, some of my Professors, The Glass Breaking Project, Army of Angels, and all the other survivors through A.S. and other places. Thank you and others that I did not mention for specific reasons. You have changed a life. I have finally given up somethings that I thought were right if a person tells you so. (ie. Your stupid- from my Abuser). Well I am now free from that, I am "me", whom ever I wish to be! And I am a smart beautiful person ~Sydney Smith

      Consequently now I'm on the search of who I am and want to be now that I am not Stupid, fat and ugly! I'm so excited! I know it won't be easy but I pray I have gone threw the hardest part. I posted this photograph by Steven Shires that he made for AUU. I think this is very representative of what this process is. I'm just trying to climb one mountain at a time..... it should be easier that way and should not be so daunting looking at one compared to the range. Thank you Steven! If anyone would like a print of this photo you can either contact Steven Shires yourself at the website that I have linked in this post or on my coffee lounge. I think it would be nice to have in an office don't you think?!

Welcome to the July Angela Shelton Blog-a-thon! Hour 1

Welcome, Greetings, Hi, Yo, *Lift your chin up*,

      You, yes YOU are apart of an amazing thing just by reading this. YEAH, lol Its going to be a dynamic 24 hours full of fun, learning, awareness, and just being authentic. I am raising money for the Angela Shelton Foundation and associated Army of Angels so we can remain a 501-c3 ( Non Profit) and help those who have been affected by sexual violence/abuse/trauma become beautiful complete people once again. Please click here to read more... I will be on video.... Lick! DONATE

http://www.firstgiving.com/sydneysmithaoa

Stressed out but I am blessed and thankful

I've been stressed out over the last day I guess. I did not sleep well at all last night if you could say it was sleep at all but I am happy that my partner, my lover, my man is coming home today! It will be wonderful to hold him in my arms again. We had very very little communication while he was gone which we both are not used too other than this one time out of the year so it was both good and bad. It was great having the house to myself and being able to be about when ever I wanted without being concerned of interrupting him, yet who doesn't want to talk and sleep next to their love?! :D With the new iphone 4 I think life will be even easier than it has been with skype and text messaging. When I was little I dreamed of being able to see people your talking to on your phone but I didn't think it would be here already. I know my late grandmother did NOT even think about it as she never even learned how to drive a car! Well I guess she could have ;) I just think that we are blessed to have such technology available to us. (Although I do recognize that many including myself are too poor to actually buy an iphone right now but again at least it is possible!)

Even though I am very stressed I do truly feel blessed in many ways, not just technology. I am blessed to have a family, friends, the health that I do have, shelter, healthcare, food and clean water, access to tools to communicate, education, the freedom, protection, general service that the US provides for its citizens, and so much more the list will go on... I am happy that I am starting just barely to understand what I have and how much I have to be thankful for in my life and for others lives around me. I have it really really really good. Even when I think it is the worst it could ever be, I'm really starting to notice, I have gold in comparison to others on this earth and they feel as if in their life, they have the gold. So I must let go of my complaints of this and that, and appreciate what I have, for others may not and many do not have what I do have. A perspective that I have been fishing for in my life since a child, but only now starting to understand but so happy to do so!

Jewelry and pounding out life's stress

I had a great time yesterday night. I took that beading well - metal stamping class I have been twittering about and I made a pretty neat little pendent with some help. The instructor was really nice and even stayed longer than the a lotted time. I still have many left over blank metal pieces that I don't know what to do with now (because I can't afford to buy a really good set of metal stamps) but ah well. Maybe if I get healthier and stronger I could get the cheap ones that you just beat the sh*t out of lol. I think some of you would LOVE it. Not only for the breadth of creativity- oh Vanessa you would go crazy with it. But Courtney, you would flip out with the fact that you can make some thing beautiful by banging the sh*t out of it. Note it has to be very very very precise banging or it will not turn out correct. So (lol) this is like therapy: say you are so frustrated that you are having to deal with 20 million different things as a survivor. Well, with metal stamping, you can write out what is bothering you. Choose one thing because you have to be precise, and just wham, wham, wham! It is on the metal and not inside of you any more. You can visually see it, tactually feel it, and if you do it long enough maybe even improve your aim. Your issue is now not an issue because you dealt with it in art, yes loud, some what violent art, but its not hurting you or anyone else, its actually making you and the world more beautiful.

I just thought of this "therapy." When I was in my class I only thought of yes you could vent with this maybe but you have to be so precise you really need to concentrate. I think this is why my mind needed time to see that if it was to work as an art therapy you could only work in your mind on one issue just as you are only working on one letter or symbol at a time. If you do more your likely to slip up or miss spell your work! That is not what I'm looking for ;)

Ok, well I should take a nap. My back is really really hurting. Oh I'm still working on getting my service dog but I may just give up soon due to lack of funding. I'll talk more about that later I guess. :huggles: to you all. Fly high!

I'm on a journey of change.

I bet you all have been wondering what I've been up too. Well some of the things I've been up to lately has been prep work for the Video&Blog-a-thon that will happen on July 9th at 5pm PT/8pm EST for the Angela Shelton Foundation. My goal right now is to raise $800.00 for the foundation. I've been working on blog posts to share and they are in draft mode right now which is why you can not see them yet. So on my side its been a lot of work, and I see it, but you unfortunately do not yet! But that is all the fun about the fundraiser. I am very committed to the Angela Shelton Foundation as Angela Shelton and the Foundation has changed my life. Maybe, if I am a strong woman, I will share part of this during my v/blog-a-thon.
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You know that amazing handmade soap I always talk about??

      Guess what? You know that amazing handmade natural soap that is bio-degradeable, comes in many scents and are just flat out beautiful that I tweet and post on here some times? Well their is a small contest: check it out by clicking here: My favorite at the moment that I want to try first personally is the Oatmeal-Almond Handsoap w/ honey, coconut milk and more natural ingredients. I'll tell you more about other of DeShawnMarie's creations. I "talk" with her pretty frequently and she is a really kind person on that front so yes, please buy from her! And finally she seems like a kick ass powerful woman! She has made her name from the start to the point that her business supports her fully and it is her full time job! :D

Hour 2

Angela Shelton Foundation Month Long Blog-a-thon

Title: I'm more than good enough!
Post photography by: Steven Shires | Pixel Pro Shop


Please donate $ to the Angela Shelton Foundation if you get anything from this or any of my other articles this month-July 10th! Thank you. Click here to donate! To see Angela Shelton's private website click here
********************
I know from stats and experience that their must be some of you in the mists of abuse this very moment- this very second. Let it be in some sort (let it be sexual, physical, emotional, financial, ++) of very negative situation and are fighting for not only your life but possibly even others you care about. This post is for those who have gone through the journey of healing and those in any other point in their journey from being victimized, to survivorship, to thriving.

"The idea is that everyone would discuss the below so all sides would hear points to help make sense of the healing process and also acknowledge community and likeness that can show up through out specific stages of healing."~Sydney Smith from Angels Undercover and Undiscovered AUU

Question to those who see themselves as confident survivors and thrivers
1. List 3 things: If their were up to 3 things you could change (anything) in your HEALING process NOT THE ABUSE OR ASSAULT, what would it be and why?


2. If their was one thing you could change (anything) in your HEALING process what would it be and why?


3. If you can change this thing now (if you already have not done so) would you do so? What problems do you see, and feel with doing that? What positive feelings do you have?


*4. If you could tell yourself something in the very beginning of your healing process what would you say to yourself?


Questions for current victims. This means you are currently being abused. Once the abuse stops you are no longer a victim you are a survivor no "paper work" needed. *smiles*
1. Did any thing that the survivors or thrivers say about their past sound similar to what you experienced in one way or another at all? 


2. If yes to number 1, in what ways did you feel/sound similar?


3. What is different?


     The point I am making here is that new and old survivors of all kinds of abuse are equal in this world. We all have looked hell in the eyes and have come back out a live in one level of healing or another. But the most important thing is that we all must help each other. NOW THAT ALSO INCLUDES THOSE PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY ARE NOT AFFECTED. Haha I laugh when I hear people say that. I just want to say ok well guess what? I bet one of your best friends was raped, another molested for years,  and much much more. This is why the Angela Shelton Foundation is working very hard to bring awareness to everyone all over the world- it is a PANDEMIC - sorry Angela lol its not an epidemic, that is just small outbreaks in specific areas and surely not nation wide let alone sadly WORLD WIDE. And as Angela Shelton has said many times, this is a PEOPLE PROBLEM, not a woman's issues. Men are raped and abused all the time too. I ask that you please remember that as well as your phone number! :D We must work together to take down the Beast. 

Angela Shelton Foundation Hour 3

Angela Shelton Foundation Month Long Blog-a-thon


Title: I'm more than good enough!
Post photography by: Steven Shires | Pixel Pro Shop


Please donate $ to the Angela Shelton Foundation if you get anything from this or any of my other articles this month-July 10th! Thank you. Click here to donate! To see Angela Shelton's private website click here.


Dear survivor of;


(The not so pleasant things)

• 1. The western's world pressure on women to be thin and beautiful, and sexy 24-7
• 2. Physical disabilities
• 3. Emotional disorders (most caused by something listed later or society)
• 4. Graduating from a semi-broken University
• 5. Having family (a wonderful one though) that lacked emotional output as in hugs frequently
• 6. Learning disabilities that were never tested and treated until I requested it in college after my difficult math course because I could tell no one was having as much difficultly as me and I was also flipping numbers. Also my professor said that I might have a LD so I should get tested and be extra careful on exams esp. until then :p. I was only able to be tested after that course was over and I was at least 1+ standard deviations away from my IQ! 112-124?= IQ while Math= 75 which is or one point away from MR! 
• 7. Being in an abusive relationship for too long. It wasn't even that long but then their was the aftermath. 
• 8. In this abusive relationship, the physical abuse
• 9. In this abusive relationship, the emotional abuse like I am stupid when he was the stupid one 
• 10. In this abusive relationship, the still hard to even type sexual abuse and r word, rape. I said it. good for me! 

The point here is I SURVIVED IT AND...

(Pleasant things..)

• 1. I am actually pretty
• 2. I am not "fat"
• 3. Someone in the world cares or is affected by something I do
• 4. I am loved... I am loved... I am loved (creating new neuro pathways hehe ;D)
• 5. I love that I have a family that cares a lot about me
• 6. I am an Artist
• 7. I love having my sever chronic pain managed somewhat for the moment
• 8. I love having a partner/ significant other/bf that cares a lot about me
• 9. I love my ability to connect with animals
• 10. I love that I know I have LIGHT inside me that will never ever go away, that will always be there even if I don't feel it, that I can always work to rekindle my light, and help others find their light that they have that also will never go away even if they think they have never felt it before.
• 11. I enjoy friendships even when I feel horrible for not having enough time for them. 
• 12. I love horseback riding and the feeling of connection between myself and the horse. Also the independence and freedom once in the saddle. <3
• 13. I love Mother Earth
• 14. I love that I know I have already LOVED much not mention and I love that I know that I will LOVE MUCH MORE!

      That is the past, I have faced it head on, eye to eye, heart to heart. I've dived deep down into my past's soul and come out not just SURVIVING but THRIVING.        ~YES THRIVING!!!!!

      This achievement in my life that I once felt was a personal disaster happened due to the following people and organizations in order by date: My boy friend, my (good) counselors, my University's women's center, TBTN, The Clothesline Project, Angela Shelton, some of my Professors, The Glass Breaking Project, Army of Angels, and all the other survivors through A.S. and other places. Thank you and others that I did not mention for specific reasons. You have changed a life. I have finally given up somethings that I thought were right if a person tells you so. (ie. Your stupid- from my Abuser). Well I am now free from that, I am "me", whom ever I wish to be! And I am a smart beautiful person ~Sydney Smith

      Consequently now I'm on the search of who I am and want to be now that I am not Stupid, fat and ugly! I'm so excited! I know it won't be easy but I pray I have gone threw the hardest part. I posted this photograph by Steven Shires that he made for AUU. I think this is very representative of what this process is. I'm just trying to climb one mountain at a time..... it should be easier that way and should not be so daunting looking at one compared to the range. Thank you Steven! If anyone would like a print of this photo you can either contact Steven Shires yourself at the website that I have linked in this post or on my coffee lounge. I think it would be nice to have in an office don't you think?!

How do you work with hard to work with ppl?

      Their are always times when each of us has well... a stick up our butt, woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, and just those that should plain as day go back to bed and start the F* over. I've been their many many times myself, and I've actually HAVE GONE BACK TO BED to restart my day lol. But my question is what do you do with people that you can not send back to bed ( lol wouldn't it be nice if you could send your boss to time out or bed time? or in college or Dean or a Professor to do the same?) ?
      So you would think since I AM one of these people some of the time I would understand how to help them. That is how it works for most other things. But here I stand clueless. I've tried to just continued to be who and what I was doing at the time, other times I've tried to help the person see how powerful they are and that works for a moment to snap them out of it and then it just makes them pissed off like "why the f* are YOU telling ME to be powerful you F*!" Most of the time I just leave them alone, but just a moment ago I was trying to help my Significant Other get out of the funk he has been in all day by asking him if he could try to be powerful. He then got mad blah blah. *** Note he has asked me to ask him to be powerful when he gets like this.
      Now I feel screwed over. Damed if I do, slightly less damed if I don't only that I will not get direct blame for trying to "fix" it on top of what ever else is going on that is irratiating him at the moment due to the stick still securely placed. Does anyone an answer to what I could do other than leave the area with my S.O.? That is just what happens and I hate it. Why do I hate it so much? Because its a form of rejecting him, and it does NOT work when you are traveling AT ALL and I've tried lol.
      So in all this is my question to you, how do you deal with difficult people? How does it affect you? How does it make you feel- do you have panic attacks when things go wrong as I do sometimes? Are you ok with these situations or would you rather deflect them? Please feel free to leave comments in the comments right below this post!

    

Equal Pay Act: 47 Years Later

Equal Pay Act: 47 Years Later

Apparently I'm missing out on $1 million over my life span because I have a vagina! :( At least I'm working on being the most true to myself person I can be which will give me much more than money ever can. In time, if men say something about how women should be paid equally for the SAME work, the bill stubs should come closer. At least I pray. I used to think a major part of it was that many women took off for Maternity leave but now their is Paternity leave too and many men are taking that off to help with the baby which is usually quite needed so I do not even see an ugly backing to a persons reason to discriminate and or garnish wages from the start. I do love the blog feministcampus for its interesting articles!

Angela Shelton Foundation Fundraiser by Angela!

Hello! I wanted to share and or remind all of you that Angela Shelton herself will be online for 24 hours starting at 1pm PT, or 4pm EST TODAY Saturday June 12- June 13th to raise money and awareness for the Angela Shelton Foundation. Next month I will be doing the same thing on July 9th. Its held on Ustream.tv for both events but all you have to do when you are at the site if you don't have the ink is search for our names! Thats easy enough! So this month search for: Angela Shelton -- next month-- Sydney Smith if I find the links I will attach them. <3 you all I hope to see you there!

Its been a while

Hello everyone! Its been a while since I've been back but ...

      Look at the beautiful picture above(top of blog) from Steven Shires from Pixel Pro Shop! I know I say it every time, but as a semi-professional artist, I personally sincerely appreciate Mr. Shires work and his charity to AUU. He made the above for Angels Undercover & Undiscovered as another gift *Note he has already made other photos for AUU so a big Thank you on behalf of AUU to Steven Shires for helping to support our org!

      I've personally been working on my path to wholeness and more. Just last night I signed up for a 10 week class that is supposed to help with a persons commitment to their word. Honestly I do have an issue with this. Many times I will say "I will do something" on the "note that I can always back out if I need to due too"...... my physical disability, panic attacks, anxiety, &/or Angela Shelton live show on Sundays at 12pm PT/ 3pm EST etc *wink. But I know this is not the way I want to continue living my life, but I don't know how to account for those times that I truly cannot make it to commitments I've made due to things that are not in my control. As I learn different ways of thinking and dealing with this issue I will blog about it. Wait! I hope I will because I just made a commitment their to you *blah** lol. I suppose if I do share that means the class is working. The class is not starting until Aug. so we will have to sit tight until then ;)

     I cannot wait for my BLOG-A-THON & VIDEO-A-THON!!!! This month (June) I will be preparing for that 24 hr long commitment that I am going to do and I pray succeed in. My goal is to raise at least $800.00 for the Angela Shelton Foundation to help raise a total of $20,000 for the foundation to pay what they need to remain a 501-c3 Non-Profit. I have already collected old clothes for the local woman's shelter along with beauty products that I don't need such as hair electric pieces. I have personally stayed in a women and children shelter and I remember how bad it was. This is why I want to specifically donate to them. I would guess that the worth of the amount collected so far for the shelter donation is at least $200.00+. I have many different ideas for the video-a-thon I just need to go out and bring a helper and shoot some video so I can have things prepared for the moments when its 3am and my brain is not functioning properly or at noon when I have a large audience that does not know about the Angela Shelton Foundation and what it is about and why we are apart of it and supporting it. I'm thinking of also doing a slide presentation if I can get it to work on ustream.tv ..... OOOO--- YES! I will if I get permission from Angela, take video of me shooting at the range on at least a pistol on a 22 mm at least- I may move up to something stronger as I am learning more about shooting and safety protocols. I so want to get pics up for you all from the high power range too = to rifle. *Though I want to remind all of you that I only am using guns as a hobby but respect them as what they are capable of which is taking a life. Also, I do not own a gun as I do not feel that I should currently own a gun because I do not have a gun safe and do not know if or when I will have children in my home. Also I do choose to drink right now along with my partner/boy friend, and I will not allow personally to have a gun (even disassembled and not with ammo) in my home if there is no one at the home at all times to be responsible for a gun / taking a life. I am pretty much just saying please respect them and please don't judge me negatively for using them as a hobby only in a safe manor until you know me very very very personally. Thank you!

Maybe I will start looking into all this astrology stuff.....

        Once upon a night in a far away land their was a woman that was determined not to sleep (reasons to be explained on twitter)  I was poking around on the net around 4:30 am or so and since it seems astrology is a semi big thing in Hollywood right now I wanted to see why. I haven't been really impressed yet but that is because I have not done any studies yet but I am not deterred. You see I am a scientist, yep degree and all. I've conducted research studies and had to get over Myth-busters  SEVER lack of science (oh sometimes it still makes me tremble). But I am opened minded to many many things.  I do believe in some sort of Supreme Being(s) and I am love my religion that is accepting of most faiths.  For example, in my church you can be Buddhist, Hindu, Christian, Mormon, LDS, Quaker, + + +. We just do not accept those who worship the devil and a few other things. I view my religious choice as pretty darn accepting, and I like to think that I TRY to be accepting of as many different things as humanly possible as long as they do not extremely fundamentally go against my moral values such as violence of any kind, including rape, discrimination, things like that. 

        The reason why I just voiced all of that is because I wanted to show you that I am willing to give things a chance even if I don't really believe in them. This does include social things like astrology readings. 

        Over all the point of this post is that I will report back to see if my mini flawed 'study' will show any sort of results

**SUPER NOVA DAYS

Jun 4 - 8: Stairway to Heaven

Your imagination runs wild over the weekend as your key planet Mars opposes magical Neptune on June 4. You'll be convinced that pretty much anything is possible in the days ahead. The difficulty, however, is finding a balance between your most outrageous dreams and a more practical approach to life. You are forced to make adjustments to increase efficiency and narrow your vision when energetic Mars enters laser-sharp Virgo on June 7. But it isn't a good idea to settle for less. Even if you have practical issues to address, they could be critical steps propelling you to the stars. 

 **Cited from: http://www.tarot.com/astrology/monthly/getforecast.php




Ps. Don't forget to donate to my cause for the Angela Shelton Foundation which I have a link here on the main page of this blog along with a donation button if you would like to help feed me! :D and or support me in getting my service dog. You can even email me and tell me what you want me to do with the money you donate to me at DearAngealShelton    -At-    Gmail    .    com     or                TheSydneySmithProject    @    gmail.com    ( spaces for web bots)


I hope you all are doing well :HUGGLES: and a long one at that. <3~Sydney

Beautiful found it after Angela Shelton had a link to another..

PART 1 : Just had something that make me frustrated but should I be?

I apologize this is going to be a bit long, I will make the major part that relates to the title for those who want the short and sweet version at the END and in a different color ;) Love ya! :SQUISH: and you can NOT forget my :HUGGLES: to you! I have changed the font on this post for a reason. I feel it fits better....just me being all artistic and shite lol


Ever since I was able to answer questions I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to be a veterinarian (at the age of two it was "an animal doctor"). Between then and now all I have done in my life (well I have done now much more with the AOA and Angela Shelton I can now say because I am starting to recognize myself in my whole being more so) is work towards this goal and once I was old enough I started moving on the same path for humans. I wanted to help animals and humans. I wanted to know how to save their lives if something went wrong. I have determined that all my life I have suffered from chronic intense anxiety, and one of my ways to combat that was with gaining as much knowledge and certifications as I could in the medical field for all animals but especially all mammals. The funny thing to me, but now with this anxiety as I just stated is very clear now. I NEVER EVER CHANGED MY MIND about what my path was to be. I wanted to be a veterinarian (Large animal prefer- Horses, Cows, mixed farm -- or Large Zoo animals).

 I NEEDED FOR MY MENTAL SAFETY NET the idea that I could control something in my environment that could easily go out of control. This was probably the one thing that partly held me together for my younger years until I gave up on the fight that live was more than just fixing physical problems. 

 No one wants to accept the emotional challanges we all face every day, every moment of our lives. I was taught to throw away all emotions and as it is barely audible over the phone that I am crying (and I very very rarely cry because of the following I was given this from an important person in my life.

"Just deal it"/ with everything because you just have to "get over it" and "You can't be so emotional" and my favorite (enter a metric fuck ton of sarcasm now)"Stop crying. You aren't allowed to cry. Just stop being so emotional, you can't do that. Just get over it, you can't let things even if its sucks get to you. You can't cry like that. Stop it!" 

Wow I once again, after hearing this over and over again through out my life from this person I got frustrated but in a sad way. I was sad because I was able to really let it sink in for me that this person was probably trying to at all costs protect themselves from being hurt in this situation. No one ever wants to hear someone else cry. So after I've been toying with the idea that this other person is actually trying to protect themselves, and this all is a coping mechanism, no matter how crappy I feel from it, it is what it is. And yes, it hurts me, yes it makes me frustrated that I can not express almost any sort of any emotion other than I would say "bland" with this person without having a negative reaction. But I feel now I am making progress in the part that now I feel sad when this person does this. I feel sad for them and that they only know how to use this coping mechanism.


_______*******_______


Now I would like to vent about my frustration that sometimes I feel like others get all of this amazing help for their medical disabilities, yet I have worked hard to try to raise money etc for very specific medical aids/devices yet get little help from people other then like two people, one of which is my best friend! But I know, and I really truly am sooooooooo Thankful for the help I have received. My best friend helped raise like $250 for my goal of $14,500 for my service dog, but all donations have stopped. The only thing I have now is the donation button here on my blog through paypal and on my website which is the same thing. I guess what just got me frustrated is that I see all of these other people with many people helping them raise their money for their dog, or raise money for PT, surgeries etc. I think we all need help. But then I feel bad, like I am not good enough and I don't deserve the help because I'm just not good enough. But I feel SOOOOO BAD and SOOOO selfish for thinking that I should get help for even one second. I have so many ideas of how I can give back some to my community with my dog after it would change my life, but again I guess from my abuse, I do not feel I deserve help, but I want help so bad. WTF lol. So yeah. Their is my currently shaken not stirred brain for you. 


But as I said on twitter this summer/ fall is about leaving the past behind and finding the future. And most importantly, being ok with that. 


p.s. it is in the weeeee hours of the morning now: "wow... ok I just woke up from a 2 hour nap with the computer on my lap and I was biting my tongue the who time! Ouch! lol Does the biting of the tongue mean something ;p?????? I bit one side over another.... does that mean anything?!?! :D :D I <3 you all

A New Life Gift & Video/Blogathon

      Today my new and very first office of my own is in the final stages of drying before I can move in and really get myself organized and get to work in a private space. We've painted EVERYTHING, and even shampooed the carpet. Soon as I can I will be posting picture of before and during after I move in. I am so excited because it will be a place of my very own. MY OWN. My sanctuary.
      Here I will better be able to take care of myself and be more affective at working with my goals as an Army of Angels! Recently with my meds being changed or not shipped on time I've had problems esp when I'm in a lot of pain. but now I see so much light and I feel it warming my skin. I can close my eyes now and not worry so much all the time.
       I still worry as I always will until I reach a deeper level of healing, I will still hold my breath for half of the day as always. But this feels better than the overwhelming feelings I was having before that left me rendered almost useless. A smile is growing across my face and I like that. Also for those who know, things are settling down for the moment between me and my lover. We had a very very very rough patch, now its just rough, which is much easier. :SQUISHES: and :huggles: to all of you. You all are so powerful and special. Don't forget to go to the blogathon this weekend I'll be there over the late evening hours. The lovely Angel that is doing this is a wonderful person that I talk to all the time and is dear to me. Funny you are all so dear to me even if I don't talk to you. :huggles:
__________________________________________________________
      Don't forget to mark your calander for July 9-10th for my video/blog a thon and try to skip getting coffee 2 times from Starbucks. Remember how the management raped and employee? I haven't heard anything about how they are handling that which is bad HR so I've actually stopped going there all together. But if you save money from two coffees that is like $6- $7-$8 that you could easily donate that you would have already spent that month! I've already made a small donation just because of that. :D And I got a larger donation when I told someone else about that. If you think about it, if you just gave up one coffee a month.........thats $3-$4 bucks x 12........ = so much help to keep the Angela Shelton Foundation ALIVE. 

Today

I will appreciate all of me. From my likes and dislikes, from my smiles to my frowns. No matter who I am or am not associated with, today, I will appreciate me. I will appreciate me for everything I've triumphed through and all the more to come that I know I will only have two true paths, to succeed or fail. I will not judge me any different for either outcome because today, I know, I put the best into my work so only my best can come out even if it is failure. I love myself. I know deep down, past all my self image issues that I am truly beautiful and naturally beautiful at that. I know and understand that I not only love myself but deserve much love because of the wonderful kind person that I am, even if I am lead a stray some days. I am worth everything and more. Because I am Sydney Smith, I am me, I am a woman that has seen hell and come back again fighting not for glory but for life. Me, myself, I am worth much love, in fact I deserve much love especially since I give love so freely and easily. I appreciate all of my worth and dignity. I am a woman of many forms, many hats, many possibilities. I am a Goddess and a Warrior at the same time along with Serenity. I am me. I will love my whole self today.

Pepsi Refresh Project - Vote EVERY DAY so ASF can win 25K to Produce 32 free videos for the public!

Angela Shelton Foundation Fundraiser

I know I was not looking my best when I shot this but I had to share my feelings! After all it was in the middle of the night! ;p

A gift from Steven Shires from Shires Photography

Another sweet gift that reminds me that men in this world are ok. Not all of them hurt. Some of them are just plain good people that blow you away but it could be because this person is from the South lol. I vote this person is just a great person. I love their family too!

 I think this should be a new AUU motto :)

Side note: my favorite thing about Shires Photography is that the work is actually ART. I am a semi-professional artist. In fact this year and esp in the next few months I will be putting my nose to the grind stone to prepare for and up coming show in July. I have always admired photography and even tried to dabble in it myself but I've never. ever. seen someone come out with a piece of photography like this Artist (yes that is what I believe this person should be called) does. It's different and I love that. The photos many times do not even look like photos and rather perfect paintings. The photos can bring you in and swirl your mind in the nature brought before your eyes. This is one of three photographers, really two that I consider to have the ART down in the entire US, one of them worked for National Geographic. But I shouldn't judge the art for you, you should have a look for yourself. From the work he has just done I really enjoy the waterfall series. Again it is Shires Photography and the link is on the Right hand side of my blog or you can click right on the title of this posting. I also had a photo shoot with Steven Shires and I couldn't be more happy with the results. Now... run along! lol go look! I can't wait to get more photos taken after I loose some more weight since I'm in less pain! He is worth the flight, drive etc

New feature! A new way to show you appreciate what I do!

So I just set up my very first paypal account as I had to in order to pay to go to this conference about over coming sexual abuse/assault and domestic violence + all the crap that comes with it. Now you ask why am I going? Because I am in the Army of Angels and it is our duty to learn as much as we can so we can make real changes in the world and help others in need. Unfortunately as most of you who have kept up with my blog and such sweet hearts you are know the disabilities I have and my pursuit of a service dog. Well, all of this and helping other survivors has left me more than broke. I did just finally pay off a loan that I had for 6 years for over $3,000 in non-covered medical expenses that I racked up in 6 days. Goodness did that feel amazing when I paid that off. But did you know that two patches two 4-6 inch patches cost $150 and I am supposed to wear two in 24 hours, and I wear 3 different types of medical patches :(. But I feel so much better than I did before. I can actually STAND, and for like more than 15 seconds and the kicker is that I can dress myself most of the time now! OH YEAH hehe lets have a parrrtyaaa. lol anyways this sounds like a depressing fest which is not what I want.

But a friend of mine said - why don't you put up one of those pay pal donation buttons on your blog. Everyone does it, and then if people like what you do they can contribute to help you get by and continue doing your work. Another friend sincerely agreed when I didn't want to do this, even when I might be looking at $14,500 price tag for my service dog which I will get no matter what I have to do I don't care if no one will hire me right now bc of my disability I will find a way. I need the darn dog to get a job lol catch 22. So here I go, I'm putting up the paypal donation button but their are major things you must know. IT IS NOT. N-O-T tax deductable. I am not a nonprofit (though someday I wish I could be and build high tech shelters) but again you would just be donating money to the person that supports other survivors and is one herself, and honestly, could use a little food in my fridge every once in a while. So here I reluctantly go. Putting myself out their. Maybe people could ask questions they want answered or something.... here we go...

If you can't donate or want to share this with others you can send this code in an email and a link to my blog so they can check me out!

The button: 

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=ED34ERT3UKY8E

The blog

 http://angelsundercoverandundiscovered.blogspot.com/

                                            Thank you~Love Sydney Smith

Photography by Pixel Pro Shop: Steven Shires

Why

NOTE: This posting has negative language in it. It is recommend that it be read by adult readers only.  This posting in no way is representative of the organizations that I support.




This is the year of why. Why the fuck this and why the fuck that. Really why the fuck anything. I usually answer "Just because" but that is not flying any more with me being in my mid twenties with my degree almost in my red hot hands and no job to be herd of or even thought of at this time. My psychologist ( I went with a psychologist this time because the many years of counselors and therapists seem to have gotten me no where so I though yes, Sydney go with the one with a bigger and better degree! Plus you have to pay them more so they have to be better right?????) says to me that I am in a "time of transitioning" and keeps on asking me what I'm going to do with my life. Time and time again I give him some bs answer ( oh yes, my lovely degree is in bs~Love it!) and he just gives me a frown. God dam I would tell him if I fucking knew! But I don't know. Why is that? Why don't I know where the hell I'm going and with who and for how long? I see other people around me in the same point of life ( now many they haven't had the "life experiences cough: being raped etc" like I have ) and they know where they are going and who they are doing. Literally. They are married. I want to be married. I've been in a mono relationship for 7+ years. 7+ years and now, just now we are in couples counseling. Now I love this person so much I believe that no one could understand but :sigh:

Now I would LOVE love to delve into this more but I don't know if my lover will take me if I were to do this. Maybe in the future as I'm trying to be more true on this blog now.

Anyways. So fuckin A. Fucking Y. Why did all of this crap happen to me a long time ago ( the stuff that lead me to Angela Shelton). Am I supposed to do something with it because right now I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job at any of that world. But at the same time I SOOO want to do something. I want to change something. But why?? Why this why that why anything at all?

This change in me being in mucho less pain for the majority of the time has opened my brain and my life again. Before it all I was a leader of men, yes of men. And I was very good at it. Hummm....So now I will just eat cake to dull this question for now.... yumm.

:(

My back hurts again but I think it is because I've used up all the medicine in my pain patch since I did hard core exercising yesterday and before that during the day I was in pain and rubbed my patch to make it deliver a stronger dose. But the good thing, I can put the new patch on tomorrow night. Yeaa!

Honey Yummy Butter

I've modified this recipe from the book: The Healthy College Cookbook. Quick, Cheap. Easy. by Alanandria Nimeta. Jason Stanley. and Emelie Starr.

Orig. Res. (Came out too sweet, amongst other things)
    
      2 tablespoons of butter (salted)
      2 tablespoons of honey
      1 teaspoon of vanilla

MY Changes that got a yummy approval from two men......

      6 - to - 8 tablespoons of butter (salted)
     2 tablespoons of RAW honey
     1 teaspoon of vanilla

1. in a small saucepan warm the butter slightly. Add the money and vanilla. and mix well. (Make sure not to burn the butter other wise you will have to start over start all over!

2. You can use immediately or refrigerate for later use. If I happen to make A LOT then I will also freeze some also.

SERVINGS 6

 * I prefer it on freshly baked french loaf (with in 3 days old)
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(sorry I just read this after some sleep and this makes almost no sense- I guess that is what I get for blogging when I was falling asleep in the middle of my typing here on my blog lol)

----- I'm full of anxiety right now so that is why I've been up all night working on this blog and other things. I don't know how to make it stop :( I wish I could take some Xanax so that ld find a place of peace. But a place of real true peace. My head doc said that if my panic attacks get real bad again. I should call 911 or go to the ER because I could be having heart palpitations and is not going to make that go away. Right now I could NOT N. O. T. bring myself to do that because I hate doctors as you all know, and I don't want them to think I'm crazy per say. I'm really not. I just have a strong anxiety problem that is not under full control yet esp because a new medication is being shipped to me but won't be here for at least a half a week or more..... Anyways. Its not like writting about it will make it any better or talking about it I guess either ( I'm so negative right now during a panic attack lol). I found it just helps delay the intense moments I've been running from. Later I will read this and hate it because it was my anxiety monster talking and not me, the real me that I know(ugh right now it hurts to type this) is powerful!

Panic Attacks- its in the middle of the night- and I'm in the kitchen

Dear followers, I have just decided to change thinga around a little bit and share more about my hardships and wonderfulships ;) In my last blog I did only one of the two. Right now I'm having a hard time breathing as i am still. This is just one of many small problems I face every day........ I KNOW I am NOT N.O.T. the only one that has issues like mine or other issues. I have survivors talk to me all the time about "they dont want to bother me, but "I feel the exact same way about x, y and z. Therefore, I am going to be more direct and open about my "problems" so that others may feel less alone in this big world. You are not alone survivor. If it for some reason x, y, and z with senerio V01254  hasn't happened to me I have a great imagination on how many.  

TweetMic : I'm looking for guidance

Please listen to my Tweetmic ( and iphone app) >  | http://tmic.fm/rgrz6jgpuyo


I'm in the Army of Angels but this Angel needs some help right now.... I don't know what to do.... I don't even know what options exist

Photograph: Taken and edited by Sydney Smith, of Sydney Smith

Dear Survivors, Shit to poo its all good

I've noticed again many of you/us have hit another rough patch. It is either a pile of horse crap, (although I do love horses!) or a new pot hole that came out of no where on the highway and you were going 90. Well, bless you Angels. Bless you for all the crap you've been through and all the shit you will go through in the future. Bless you for the power you have obtained by having noses that are much more hard core than the average person and only typically take notice to the herd of skunks that just had a brazilian wax job in front of your nose. You are a warrior with your experience, knowledge and life skills. I've seen you take the horse shit and make it into a beautiful sculpture, then when cold light it for fire, then when it rains use it to help seal the shelter. I've finally come to realize that yes, shit might not shine, but it does have its purpose as poop. You ladies have figured out the 101 ways to use it and be beautiful people at the same time. I love you for that. Thank you for inspiring me to live on in this life with ever raining shit that I've learned to love and call poo.

If you enjoy my posts consider donating to the cause that saved me: http://www.firstgiving.com/sydneysmithaoa

Bead site..... I'm really beading now...but I haven't looked into this one yet

I wonder what this is like... found it for a second on FB when I got distracted.

Two great inspirations (beadsite) http://www.rings-things.com/blog/2010/04/13/two-great-inspirations/




Side note:decent pain in my upper right hand abdomin I think I ate something I'm allergic too

2am....

Yes its after 2 am and I feel like that song by Anna Nalick. I'm working very late even if I did just get up from a 3 hour nap. My health has been really bad this and last week. One of my many doctors told me to go to the ER today/tonight really, but I so did not want to go so I didn't. I don't think my S.O. wants to or even should have to deal with this anymore. Once I get through this week things will get much easier.But I can't rust this week or I'll run around even more like a chicken with my head cut off lol. 


To myself as I tell often to others: " Take a deep breath, hold it, and someone, somewhere will believe me and understand as I do of others. 


Dear Angela Shelton and all of the AOA and followers: Thank you for supporting me all. You all  have kepted me going when it seemed to get to tuff! :) :) :)


PS. IF ANYONE KNOWS HOW TO DRILL A HOLE IN A USA COIN PLEASE LET ME KNOW!


Finally I will be putting together a Service Dog website someday for the SD (SD- service dog that I am going to get) I can not use Firstgiving bc its only for organizations etc but I'm not giving up hope because I had a week with my own dog as one in training and my life was completely different (for the better) but my dog failed out of the course lol. 

* Photo of me in Utah on the search for wild indiginous animals, but I ended up taking much more way than that