How do you work with hard to work with ppl?

      Their are always times when each of us has well... a stick up our butt, woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, and just those that should plain as day go back to bed and start the F* over. I've been their many many times myself, and I've actually HAVE GONE BACK TO BED to restart my day lol. But my question is what do you do with people that you can not send back to bed ( lol wouldn't it be nice if you could send your boss to time out or bed time? or in college or Dean or a Professor to do the same?) ?
      So you would think since I AM one of these people some of the time I would understand how to help them. That is how it works for most other things. But here I stand clueless. I've tried to just continued to be who and what I was doing at the time, other times I've tried to help the person see how powerful they are and that works for a moment to snap them out of it and then it just makes them pissed off like "why the f* are YOU telling ME to be powerful you F*!" Most of the time I just leave them alone, but just a moment ago I was trying to help my Significant Other get out of the funk he has been in all day by asking him if he could try to be powerful. He then got mad blah blah. *** Note he has asked me to ask him to be powerful when he gets like this.
      Now I feel screwed over. Damed if I do, slightly less damed if I don't only that I will not get direct blame for trying to "fix" it on top of what ever else is going on that is irratiating him at the moment due to the stick still securely placed. Does anyone an answer to what I could do other than leave the area with my S.O.? That is just what happens and I hate it. Why do I hate it so much? Because its a form of rejecting him, and it does NOT work when you are traveling AT ALL and I've tried lol.
      So in all this is my question to you, how do you deal with difficult people? How does it affect you? How does it make you feel- do you have panic attacks when things go wrong as I do sometimes? Are you ok with these situations or would you rather deflect them? Please feel free to leave comments in the comments right below this post!

    

Beautiful found it after Angela Shelton had a link to another..

PART 1 : Just had something that make me frustrated but should I be?

I apologize this is going to be a bit long, I will make the major part that relates to the title for those who want the short and sweet version at the END and in a different color ;) Love ya! :SQUISH: and you can NOT forget my :HUGGLES: to you! I have changed the font on this post for a reason. I feel it fits better....just me being all artistic and shite lol


Ever since I was able to answer questions I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to be a veterinarian (at the age of two it was "an animal doctor"). Between then and now all I have done in my life (well I have done now much more with the AOA and Angela Shelton I can now say because I am starting to recognize myself in my whole being more so) is work towards this goal and once I was old enough I started moving on the same path for humans. I wanted to help animals and humans. I wanted to know how to save their lives if something went wrong. I have determined that all my life I have suffered from chronic intense anxiety, and one of my ways to combat that was with gaining as much knowledge and certifications as I could in the medical field for all animals but especially all mammals. The funny thing to me, but now with this anxiety as I just stated is very clear now. I NEVER EVER CHANGED MY MIND about what my path was to be. I wanted to be a veterinarian (Large animal prefer- Horses, Cows, mixed farm -- or Large Zoo animals).

 I NEEDED FOR MY MENTAL SAFETY NET the idea that I could control something in my environment that could easily go out of control. This was probably the one thing that partly held me together for my younger years until I gave up on the fight that live was more than just fixing physical problems. 

 No one wants to accept the emotional challanges we all face every day, every moment of our lives. I was taught to throw away all emotions and as it is barely audible over the phone that I am crying (and I very very rarely cry because of the following I was given this from an important person in my life.

"Just deal it"/ with everything because you just have to "get over it" and "You can't be so emotional" and my favorite (enter a metric fuck ton of sarcasm now)"Stop crying. You aren't allowed to cry. Just stop being so emotional, you can't do that. Just get over it, you can't let things even if its sucks get to you. You can't cry like that. Stop it!" 

Wow I once again, after hearing this over and over again through out my life from this person I got frustrated but in a sad way. I was sad because I was able to really let it sink in for me that this person was probably trying to at all costs protect themselves from being hurt in this situation. No one ever wants to hear someone else cry. So after I've been toying with the idea that this other person is actually trying to protect themselves, and this all is a coping mechanism, no matter how crappy I feel from it, it is what it is. And yes, it hurts me, yes it makes me frustrated that I can not express almost any sort of any emotion other than I would say "bland" with this person without having a negative reaction. But I feel now I am making progress in the part that now I feel sad when this person does this. I feel sad for them and that they only know how to use this coping mechanism.


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Now I would like to vent about my frustration that sometimes I feel like others get all of this amazing help for their medical disabilities, yet I have worked hard to try to raise money etc for very specific medical aids/devices yet get little help from people other then like two people, one of which is my best friend! But I know, and I really truly am sooooooooo Thankful for the help I have received. My best friend helped raise like $250 for my goal of $14,500 for my service dog, but all donations have stopped. The only thing I have now is the donation button here on my blog through paypal and on my website which is the same thing. I guess what just got me frustrated is that I see all of these other people with many people helping them raise their money for their dog, or raise money for PT, surgeries etc. I think we all need help. But then I feel bad, like I am not good enough and I don't deserve the help because I'm just not good enough. But I feel SOOOOO BAD and SOOOO selfish for thinking that I should get help for even one second. I have so many ideas of how I can give back some to my community with my dog after it would change my life, but again I guess from my abuse, I do not feel I deserve help, but I want help so bad. WTF lol. So yeah. Their is my currently shaken not stirred brain for you. 


But as I said on twitter this summer/ fall is about leaving the past behind and finding the future. And most importantly, being ok with that. 


p.s. it is in the weeeee hours of the morning now: "wow... ok I just woke up from a 2 hour nap with the computer on my lap and I was biting my tongue the who time! Ouch! lol Does the biting of the tongue mean something ;p?????? I bit one side over another.... does that mean anything?!?! :D :D I <3 you all

A New Life Gift & Video/Blogathon

      Today my new and very first office of my own is in the final stages of drying before I can move in and really get myself organized and get to work in a private space. We've painted EVERYTHING, and even shampooed the carpet. Soon as I can I will be posting picture of before and during after I move in. I am so excited because it will be a place of my very own. MY OWN. My sanctuary.
      Here I will better be able to take care of myself and be more affective at working with my goals as an Army of Angels! Recently with my meds being changed or not shipped on time I've had problems esp when I'm in a lot of pain. but now I see so much light and I feel it warming my skin. I can close my eyes now and not worry so much all the time.
       I still worry as I always will until I reach a deeper level of healing, I will still hold my breath for half of the day as always. But this feels better than the overwhelming feelings I was having before that left me rendered almost useless. A smile is growing across my face and I like that. Also for those who know, things are settling down for the moment between me and my lover. We had a very very very rough patch, now its just rough, which is much easier. :SQUISHES: and :huggles: to all of you. You all are so powerful and special. Don't forget to go to the blogathon this weekend I'll be there over the late evening hours. The lovely Angel that is doing this is a wonderful person that I talk to all the time and is dear to me. Funny you are all so dear to me even if I don't talk to you. :huggles:
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      Don't forget to mark your calander for July 9-10th for my video/blog a thon and try to skip getting coffee 2 times from Starbucks. Remember how the management raped and employee? I haven't heard anything about how they are handling that which is bad HR so I've actually stopped going there all together. But if you save money from two coffees that is like $6- $7-$8 that you could easily donate that you would have already spent that month! I've already made a small donation just because of that. :D And I got a larger donation when I told someone else about that. If you think about it, if you just gave up one coffee a month.........thats $3-$4 bucks x 12........ = so much help to keep the Angela Shelton Foundation ALIVE. 

Pepsi Refresh Project - Vote EVERY DAY so ASF can win 25K to Produce 32 free videos for the public!

Why

NOTE: This posting has negative language in it. It is recommend that it be read by adult readers only.  This posting in no way is representative of the organizations that I support.




This is the year of why. Why the fuck this and why the fuck that. Really why the fuck anything. I usually answer "Just because" but that is not flying any more with me being in my mid twenties with my degree almost in my red hot hands and no job to be herd of or even thought of at this time. My psychologist ( I went with a psychologist this time because the many years of counselors and therapists seem to have gotten me no where so I though yes, Sydney go with the one with a bigger and better degree! Plus you have to pay them more so they have to be better right?????) says to me that I am in a "time of transitioning" and keeps on asking me what I'm going to do with my life. Time and time again I give him some bs answer ( oh yes, my lovely degree is in bs~Love it!) and he just gives me a frown. God dam I would tell him if I fucking knew! But I don't know. Why is that? Why don't I know where the hell I'm going and with who and for how long? I see other people around me in the same point of life ( now many they haven't had the "life experiences cough: being raped etc" like I have ) and they know where they are going and who they are doing. Literally. They are married. I want to be married. I've been in a mono relationship for 7+ years. 7+ years and now, just now we are in couples counseling. Now I love this person so much I believe that no one could understand but :sigh:

Now I would LOVE love to delve into this more but I don't know if my lover will take me if I were to do this. Maybe in the future as I'm trying to be more true on this blog now.

Anyways. So fuckin A. Fucking Y. Why did all of this crap happen to me a long time ago ( the stuff that lead me to Angela Shelton). Am I supposed to do something with it because right now I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job at any of that world. But at the same time I SOOO want to do something. I want to change something. But why?? Why this why that why anything at all?

This change in me being in mucho less pain for the majority of the time has opened my brain and my life again. Before it all I was a leader of men, yes of men. And I was very good at it. Hummm....So now I will just eat cake to dull this question for now.... yumm.

TweetMic : I'm looking for guidance

Please listen to my Tweetmic ( and iphone app) >  | http://tmic.fm/rgrz6jgpuyo


I'm in the Army of Angels but this Angel needs some help right now.... I don't know what to do.... I don't even know what options exist

Photograph: Taken and edited by Sydney Smith, of Sydney Smith

Dear Survivors, Shit to poo its all good

I've noticed again many of you/us have hit another rough patch. It is either a pile of horse crap, (although I do love horses!) or a new pot hole that came out of no where on the highway and you were going 90. Well, bless you Angels. Bless you for all the crap you've been through and all the shit you will go through in the future. Bless you for the power you have obtained by having noses that are much more hard core than the average person and only typically take notice to the herd of skunks that just had a brazilian wax job in front of your nose. You are a warrior with your experience, knowledge and life skills. I've seen you take the horse shit and make it into a beautiful sculpture, then when cold light it for fire, then when it rains use it to help seal the shelter. I've finally come to realize that yes, shit might not shine, but it does have its purpose as poop. You ladies have figured out the 101 ways to use it and be beautiful people at the same time. I love you for that. Thank you for inspiring me to live on in this life with ever raining shit that I've learned to love and call poo.

If you enjoy my posts consider donating to the cause that saved me: http://www.firstgiving.com/sydneysmithaoa

2am....

Yes its after 2 am and I feel like that song by Anna Nalick. I'm working very late even if I did just get up from a 3 hour nap. My health has been really bad this and last week. One of my many doctors told me to go to the ER today/tonight really, but I so did not want to go so I didn't. I don't think my S.O. wants to or even should have to deal with this anymore. Once I get through this week things will get much easier.But I can't rust this week or I'll run around even more like a chicken with my head cut off lol. 


To myself as I tell often to others: " Take a deep breath, hold it, and someone, somewhere will believe me and understand as I do of others. 


Dear Angela Shelton and all of the AOA and followers: Thank you for supporting me all. You all  have kepted me going when it seemed to get to tuff! :) :) :)


PS. IF ANYONE KNOWS HOW TO DRILL A HOLE IN A USA COIN PLEASE LET ME KNOW!


Finally I will be putting together a Service Dog website someday for the SD (SD- service dog that I am going to get) I can not use Firstgiving bc its only for organizations etc but I'm not giving up hope because I had a week with my own dog as one in training and my life was completely different (for the better) but my dog failed out of the course lol. 

* Photo of me in Utah on the search for wild indiginous animals, but I ended up taking much more way than that

*spoiler aleart* to a new post

I just got back from the ER again, things went much better this time. Not as much as I would have preferred,  but the experience was MUCH better then the last one.

Next is that I set up an appointment with a new pain doctor.

After this my significant other got mad that he had to take time out of this schedule and pick me up from the hospital. As I had to drive myself bc when it is there he usually makes it worse and is just speedy gonzolaz trying to get home.

And Lastly I had a great easter egg hunt with my s.o.'s family. And again found many 4 leaf and even a 5, and a 6 leaf clover! So I now probably have about #600 collected/ picked. 

Over coming my fear of guns

I do not promote the use of guns except solely for recreational use on a certified range with all safety precautions. This is me getting over my fear of guns.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IpGraiQ7h8&feature=youtu.be ( video w/o sides cut off)

I'm glad I don't feel this way anymore- I've moved on to hope

This post is from an old blog I had. I am thankful I do not feel this way anymore. At least it has not come up for me in many months. I am very very thankful for this. But I do feel that it is important to share this because it shows where I've come from, to compare to were I am now. The change, and the beauty in that. Now I have power and light that is more easily accessible to me. That brings me much joy.

"Never Believed

How can I ever trust if I am never believed? Why and where should I go with this? I feel like an idiot. Like a puppy dog that follows its abusive owner around and loves it unconditionally not knowing that it will soon beat the shit out of it. I am that puppy. I fall into trusting people, then in time, I get the shit beatten out of me from the misuse of my trust in them. I'm tired of being used and abused. I don't want to be the sweet puppy anymore. Its just not safe even if it is in my nature to be kind and all trusting giving people the benefit of doubt. I've just been burned every single time. Every time. So really, how can one trust anyone in this treppid world? Are we just supposed to go cold as stone and never let anyone in as I now dare to be, or rather open ourselves up for being abused time and time again? Do I have to choose between the lesser of two evils? I must still be a little girl inside, begging for a world full of goodness. Such a lie, the wool was pulled over my eyes and stitched down in hopes of protection only to hurt me in the end."

Tired, drained emotionally

I know I am not alone when I find myself having the feeling that I am just completely drained, tired, and needing time to recover emotionally. On the path to healing their can be piles of shit laying in the road, which I do expect. In fact I have gotten used to the stench of crap on my shoes for a while now. But I have a shovel with me. When I can no longer walk over the piles of crap, I must, with my brute strength, use my shovel to clear my path. I remind myself that this is MY PATH, and no matter what "crap" may choose to lay in my way, I will over come it. Now I do not deny that some days I can not see over the mound and I stand there, just staring at it as if in awe. But then I am reminded after some time, and maybe even some tears, that I have acquired tools on my journey. Ones that can help me over come this giant load of crap before my eyes. I must believe and remember from past experiences that I am just a gosh darn powerful person. I have already been through so much in my life and I have SURVIVED. What is just one more pile of crap? Not much really, I've overcome so much, I CAN take on anything (as I believe any survivor can). It is just a matter of reminding myself how far I have come on my path of healing, how much I have endured, and that I am truly strong, powerful and importantly full of love.

Love push you much farther than most other things. This is why I am now working very hard on loving myself. If I truly love myself, what wouldn't I do for myself? I hope you will take on the mission of love your self more - their is no end to love..... and it makes us stronger.

Song-by me

Song Title :" YOU” 
By Sydney Smith
Lyrics go to the music of “If I was a boy” for the majority by beyonce
From my website subpage : Sydney Smith's Songs and Poems



Sometimes it’s more than a push
I feels more like a punch
Like your forcing me to throw away
Everything that makes up my name
But each time you say
It is better for me
To put it all aside and 
Make it all just go away
But I don’t know if I can
Live up to your demands
I don’t know if I can play along
And run your marathon
The more I am who you want
The more my mirror is blinded
Not knowing who I am
Or where I started from
But each time you say
It is better off for me
To put it all aside and
Make it all just go away
Yet I know there is more than you
I know some where is me
I just have to look real hard
To rediscover what you pushed from me
Yeah I know 
I’m worth at least that
Because I’m beautiful 
And you can’t take away that
Yeah
Because I’m beautiful
And you can’t take away that
Yeah 
Because I’m beautiful 
And you can’t take away that

Lack of Motivation

Recently, well I guess for a long time now. I've been having issues with lack of motivation. Their are many reasons behind this, but its actually starting to annoy me now. Yet I do not know how to move past this speed bump. I've changed some medicines which has helped certain things in my life, but other things like the level of pain I live with still remain extremely high. It is also possible/ suggested that I have ADD ( recently told to me by a doctor). They say that is a reason why I might not be able to get things done as I would like to. I just don't know what to do now. I feel like I'm running into a wall and just bouncing off it multiple times. So this is leading me to a feeling that I have to say I can't commit to anything because of this wall right in front of me. :Frustrated: What to do..... Lists don't work, planning time in a day does not work esp because of my pain.... I just don't know. I am comforted in the knowledge that I am not the only one that has to deal with this issue as I know personally a few people with this same problem. Though a couple of them are on meds to help them. My doctor wants to put me on meds for my ADD but we can't until my anxiety(well panic attacks) goes away and I don't think that ever will so I feel stuck.

Anyways.... this was just another moment of me not doing what I really need to be doing ie writing my speech that is in less than a month :(

It's my choice

When something gets you down or frustrated at life, it is time to take a moment for yourself. And I don't mean just 5 seconds to breathe because that won't do anything but delay a break down or a blow up. How did I learn this? From breaking down and blowing up one to many times in front of people I care so much about.

Today I felt this way. I felt so angry and upset without due cause. And at a person that meant no harm to me. And I finally came to the realization that I needed to step away for MORE than just a second to breathe. I need REAL time to bring myself back, step into the light(I am NOT referring to God or anything like that) that I know will always be with me, see what I am missing in the situation, what is causing my frustration or saddness, and finally see if any of it is justified. Today it was not, the next time it might be, but justified or not it does not mean I have to be feeling badly. It is MY CHOICE. And it will always be my choice. What will your choice be today and tomorrow?

So I am very happy to realize that I really have a choice over being happy, mad, and even sad! = Power

Photo: By Sydney Smith of Sydney Smith