Open our eyes to all Angela Shelton Foundation Hour 5

Open your eyes to the world around you. There is joy, sorrow, pain, health, happiness, love, hate. It is your choice to let in what you wish into your life most of the time. Sometimes, it is forced upon us in such cases as rape, violence and abuse of all kinds, but what is most important is how we handle it in the end.

For so long I blamed myself, then I blamed my family then I blamed myself again, then the world, and all at the same time men (MEN ARE RAPED TOO!!!) but through my healing years at least 7 now, I have finally come to realize it is not about who is to blame or really why. It is what I do with it. If I choose to sit on my butt and point fingers am I actually moving any where? Well I tried that and it did not work. Then I decided to give up, but then that got overwhelming (yes doing nothing can be overwhelming) and I knew I had to change something. Then I blamed someone or something or myself again and again until I had blamed all alive. That was when I was at the bottom.... scrapping for any hope. I then was litterally hopeless. Luckily for me I had a special package coming in the mail for me from a fellow survivor of horror.

Angela Shelton Foundation Hour 3

Angela Shelton Foundation Month Long Blog-a-thon


Title: I'm more than good enough!
Post photography by: Steven Shires | Pixel Pro Shop


Please donate $ to the Angela Shelton Foundation if you get anything from this or any of my other articles this month-July 10th! Thank you. Click here to donate! To see Angela Shelton's private website click here.


Dear survivor of;


(The not so pleasant things)

• 1. The western's world pressure on women to be thin and beautiful, and sexy 24-7
• 2. Physical disabilities
• 3. Emotional disorders (most caused by something listed later or society)
• 4. Graduating from a semi-broken University
• 5. Having family (a wonderful one though) that lacked emotional output as in hugs frequently
• 6. Learning disabilities that were never tested and treated until I requested it in college after my difficult math course because I could tell no one was having as much difficultly as me and I was also flipping numbers. Also my professor said that I might have a LD so I should get tested and be extra careful on exams esp. until then :p. I was only able to be tested after that course was over and I was at least 1+ standard deviations away from my IQ! 112-124?= IQ while Math= 75 which is or one point away from MR! 
• 7. Being in an abusive relationship for too long. It wasn't even that long but then their was the aftermath. 
• 8. In this abusive relationship, the physical abuse
• 9. In this abusive relationship, the emotional abuse like I am stupid when he was the stupid one 
• 10. In this abusive relationship, the still hard to even type sexual abuse and r word, rape. I said it. good for me! 

The point here is I SURVIVED IT AND...

(Pleasant things..)

• 1. I am actually pretty
• 2. I am not "fat"
• 3. Someone in the world cares or is affected by something I do
• 4. I am loved... I am loved... I am loved (creating new neuro pathways hehe ;D)
• 5. I love that I have a family that cares a lot about me
• 6. I am an Artist
• 7. I love having my sever chronic pain managed somewhat for the moment
• 8. I love having a partner/ significant other/bf that cares a lot about me
• 9. I love my ability to connect with animals
• 10. I love that I know I have LIGHT inside me that will never ever go away, that will always be there even if I don't feel it, that I can always work to rekindle my light, and help others find their light that they have that also will never go away even if they think they have never felt it before.
• 11. I enjoy friendships even when I feel horrible for not having enough time for them. 
• 12. I love horseback riding and the feeling of connection between myself and the horse. Also the independence and freedom once in the saddle. <3
• 13. I love Mother Earth
• 14. I love that I know I have already LOVED much not mention and I love that I know that I will LOVE MUCH MORE!

      That is the past, I have faced it head on, eye to eye, heart to heart. I've dived deep down into my past's soul and come out not just SURVIVING but THRIVING.        ~YES THRIVING!!!!!

      This achievement in my life that I once felt was a personal disaster happened due to the following people and organizations in order by date: My boy friend, my (good) counselors, my University's women's center, TBTN, The Clothesline Project, Angela Shelton, some of my Professors, The Glass Breaking Project, Army of Angels, and all the other survivors through A.S. and other places. Thank you and others that I did not mention for specific reasons. You have changed a life. I have finally given up somethings that I thought were right if a person tells you so. (ie. Your stupid- from my Abuser). Well I am now free from that, I am "me", whom ever I wish to be! And I am a smart beautiful person ~Sydney Smith

      Consequently now I'm on the search of who I am and want to be now that I am not Stupid, fat and ugly! I'm so excited! I know it won't be easy but I pray I have gone threw the hardest part. I posted this photograph by Steven Shires that he made for AUU. I think this is very representative of what this process is. I'm just trying to climb one mountain at a time..... it should be easier that way and should not be so daunting looking at one compared to the range. Thank you Steven! If anyone would like a print of this photo you can either contact Steven Shires yourself at the website that I have linked in this post or on my coffee lounge. I think it would be nice to have in an office don't you think?!

PART 1 : Just had something that make me frustrated but should I be?

I apologize this is going to be a bit long, I will make the major part that relates to the title for those who want the short and sweet version at the END and in a different color ;) Love ya! :SQUISH: and you can NOT forget my :HUGGLES: to you! I have changed the font on this post for a reason. I feel it fits better....just me being all artistic and shite lol


Ever since I was able to answer questions I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to be a veterinarian (at the age of two it was "an animal doctor"). Between then and now all I have done in my life (well I have done now much more with the AOA and Angela Shelton I can now say because I am starting to recognize myself in my whole being more so) is work towards this goal and once I was old enough I started moving on the same path for humans. I wanted to help animals and humans. I wanted to know how to save their lives if something went wrong. I have determined that all my life I have suffered from chronic intense anxiety, and one of my ways to combat that was with gaining as much knowledge and certifications as I could in the medical field for all animals but especially all mammals. The funny thing to me, but now with this anxiety as I just stated is very clear now. I NEVER EVER CHANGED MY MIND about what my path was to be. I wanted to be a veterinarian (Large animal prefer- Horses, Cows, mixed farm -- or Large Zoo animals).

 I NEEDED FOR MY MENTAL SAFETY NET the idea that I could control something in my environment that could easily go out of control. This was probably the one thing that partly held me together for my younger years until I gave up on the fight that live was more than just fixing physical problems. 

 No one wants to accept the emotional challanges we all face every day, every moment of our lives. I was taught to throw away all emotions and as it is barely audible over the phone that I am crying (and I very very rarely cry because of the following I was given this from an important person in my life.

"Just deal it"/ with everything because you just have to "get over it" and "You can't be so emotional" and my favorite (enter a metric fuck ton of sarcasm now)"Stop crying. You aren't allowed to cry. Just stop being so emotional, you can't do that. Just get over it, you can't let things even if its sucks get to you. You can't cry like that. Stop it!" 

Wow I once again, after hearing this over and over again through out my life from this person I got frustrated but in a sad way. I was sad because I was able to really let it sink in for me that this person was probably trying to at all costs protect themselves from being hurt in this situation. No one ever wants to hear someone else cry. So after I've been toying with the idea that this other person is actually trying to protect themselves, and this all is a coping mechanism, no matter how crappy I feel from it, it is what it is. And yes, it hurts me, yes it makes me frustrated that I can not express almost any sort of any emotion other than I would say "bland" with this person without having a negative reaction. But I feel now I am making progress in the part that now I feel sad when this person does this. I feel sad for them and that they only know how to use this coping mechanism.


_______*******_______


Now I would like to vent about my frustration that sometimes I feel like others get all of this amazing help for their medical disabilities, yet I have worked hard to try to raise money etc for very specific medical aids/devices yet get little help from people other then like two people, one of which is my best friend! But I know, and I really truly am sooooooooo Thankful for the help I have received. My best friend helped raise like $250 for my goal of $14,500 for my service dog, but all donations have stopped. The only thing I have now is the donation button here on my blog through paypal and on my website which is the same thing. I guess what just got me frustrated is that I see all of these other people with many people helping them raise their money for their dog, or raise money for PT, surgeries etc. I think we all need help. But then I feel bad, like I am not good enough and I don't deserve the help because I'm just not good enough. But I feel SOOOOO BAD and SOOOO selfish for thinking that I should get help for even one second. I have so many ideas of how I can give back some to my community with my dog after it would change my life, but again I guess from my abuse, I do not feel I deserve help, but I want help so bad. WTF lol. So yeah. Their is my currently shaken not stirred brain for you. 


But as I said on twitter this summer/ fall is about leaving the past behind and finding the future. And most importantly, being ok with that. 


p.s. it is in the weeeee hours of the morning now: "wow... ok I just woke up from a 2 hour nap with the computer on my lap and I was biting my tongue the who time! Ouch! lol Does the biting of the tongue mean something ;p?????? I bit one side over another.... does that mean anything?!?! :D :D I <3 you all

:(

My back hurts again but I think it is because I've used up all the medicine in my pain patch since I did hard core exercising yesterday and before that during the day I was in pain and rubbed my patch to make it deliver a stronger dose. But the good thing, I can put the new patch on tomorrow night. Yeaa!

Honey Yummy Butter

I've modified this recipe from the book: The Healthy College Cookbook. Quick, Cheap. Easy. by Alanandria Nimeta. Jason Stanley. and Emelie Starr.

Orig. Res. (Came out too sweet, amongst other things)
    
      2 tablespoons of butter (salted)
      2 tablespoons of honey
      1 teaspoon of vanilla

MY Changes that got a yummy approval from two men......

      6 - to - 8 tablespoons of butter (salted)
     2 tablespoons of RAW honey
     1 teaspoon of vanilla

1. in a small saucepan warm the butter slightly. Add the money and vanilla. and mix well. (Make sure not to burn the butter other wise you will have to start over start all over!

2. You can use immediately or refrigerate for later use. If I happen to make A LOT then I will also freeze some also.

SERVINGS 6

 * I prefer it on freshly baked french loaf (with in 3 days old)
******************************************************************
    
(sorry I just read this after some sleep and this makes almost no sense- I guess that is what I get for blogging when I was falling asleep in the middle of my typing here on my blog lol)

----- I'm full of anxiety right now so that is why I've been up all night working on this blog and other things. I don't know how to make it stop :( I wish I could take some Xanax so that ld find a place of peace. But a place of real true peace. My head doc said that if my panic attacks get real bad again. I should call 911 or go to the ER because I could be having heart palpitations and is not going to make that go away. Right now I could NOT N. O. T. bring myself to do that because I hate doctors as you all know, and I don't want them to think I'm crazy per say. I'm really not. I just have a strong anxiety problem that is not under full control yet esp because a new medication is being shipped to me but won't be here for at least a half a week or more..... Anyways. Its not like writting about it will make it any better or talking about it I guess either ( I'm so negative right now during a panic attack lol). I found it just helps delay the intense moments I've been running from. Later I will read this and hate it because it was my anxiety monster talking and not me, the real me that I know(ugh right now it hurts to type this) is powerful!

I'm glad I don't feel this way anymore- I've moved on to hope

This post is from an old blog I had. I am thankful I do not feel this way anymore. At least it has not come up for me in many months. I am very very thankful for this. But I do feel that it is important to share this because it shows where I've come from, to compare to were I am now. The change, and the beauty in that. Now I have power and light that is more easily accessible to me. That brings me much joy.

"Never Believed

How can I ever trust if I am never believed? Why and where should I go with this? I feel like an idiot. Like a puppy dog that follows its abusive owner around and loves it unconditionally not knowing that it will soon beat the shit out of it. I am that puppy. I fall into trusting people, then in time, I get the shit beatten out of me from the misuse of my trust in them. I'm tired of being used and abused. I don't want to be the sweet puppy anymore. Its just not safe even if it is in my nature to be kind and all trusting giving people the benefit of doubt. I've just been burned every single time. Every time. So really, how can one trust anyone in this treppid world? Are we just supposed to go cold as stone and never let anyone in as I now dare to be, or rather open ourselves up for being abused time and time again? Do I have to choose between the lesser of two evils? I must still be a little girl inside, begging for a world full of goodness. Such a lie, the wool was pulled over my eyes and stitched down in hopes of protection only to hurt me in the end."

Dealing with Scary Doctor Appointments

So your scared about an up coming doctors appointment. Tomorrow I have 2! One of them I am really not looking forward to but hopefully by the end of this post we will be able to deal with them a little bit better. First off let me tell you about one of my last doctor appointments

NOTE VERY TRIGGERING/SCARY so read with caution*******
At one of my last doctor appointments I had a person go in with me that I love and well used to trust a lot more. Then that said person decided to start telling my story to the doctor when I did not really want it to be said because sometimes I think it can greatly affect the doctors judgement unfortunately because many doctors are uneducated. Well I started answering some questions that the doctor had about when everything happened, how long it occurred. Then the doctor started to ask some pretty graphic details that were in NO WAY RELEVANT TO MY MEDICAL TREATMENT. HE wanted to know if a certain thing that happened (I was strangled) was a sexual thing like a turn on or another thing. He wanted to know waaaaaaaaay to many specific details. Looking back now it kind of reminds me of the perps that come into the chat rooms to get off on our stories and stuff you know that Angela talks about?? Anyways he "then was like well why didn't you tell anyone? And kept pressing and pressing that. I told him in a calm tone like I talk when I "counsel"(but I do not counsel ppl I just am a friend) people that I could not. He kepted pressing wanting to know more. Then I finally said. "I am not going to say anything else as I don't see the relevance of this and my medical disability." He continued to push and said "Well maybe next time you will feel more comfortable and share more.

Share more my ass! You are NOT in the mental health field. And guess what everyone. I talked to my psychologist today and he has heard about this doctor before and this is not the first time something like this has happened. Now my friend thinks that the doctor is great and wants me to go back and doesn't even want to speak of the subject which is really hard for me, but after my psychologist is like "hum NO" I think its best that I not go back to that doctor. What I want to know is there anything legally wrong with what he did???????? Anyways I have an appointment with that same facility tomorrow morning and I am SOOOO not looking forward to it but my pain is so great that I am going just to see what the other person in the facility can do. My psychologist has already given me a new name for a great new doctor so I hope they have room for me and can also treat my pain. Moving on now
********************

So how are we going to deal with this? First off we must gather all the tools we can to control our panic. No matter if we are going to a great doctor or a crappy one we are going to need our tool set in order to get what we want out of the appointment. We are all Angels here so we can do that!!

Yes it does sound scary building a tool kit.... wrenches, pliers, hammers, nails, maybe even some super glue when all else fails but all you have to remember is you just collect one piece at a time. Simple as that. Once you have a tool you have it forever.

Some examples of tools that I have are as follows; Angela Shelton's tapping techniques (see Tapping in this blog), music, positive imagery, art, breathing techniques, fellow survivor friends, journaling, medications,healthcare professionals, friends, the art of preparing and sooo much more. Don't worry, your tool box will always be big enough to hold all the tools you collect, its awesome like that ;)

Now what we do when we go to these big bad soon to be much easier doctor appointments is we pull out tools that we can use in these specific situations. Let me give you an example.....

Well before setting up an appointment with a doctor.....

1. Ask your friends for a reference(tool: ......friends- they might know better who would be a better fit for you?)
2. Ask other healthcare professionals for a reference(tool:...... healthcare professionals- they usually know who is good and who is not in the area and if they know you well enough might be able to match your personality traits if you ask for that)

The night before a doctors appointment.....

1. I gather all of my medical records (tool used: the art of preparing.... reduces anxiety)
2. I write down on a piece of paper things I want to cover in this doctors appointment or I am worried about (I have a paper already made that says what I am worried about, signs and symptoms, what happened at the last visit, things I want to talk about, what actually happened at the visit, what I want to talk about next time) (tool used: again the art of preparing..... reducing anxiety
3. I leave all of this stuff in a folder or notebook out so I know exactly where it is for the next day(tool: the art of preparing.... reducing anxiety)
*4. If I don't know where the doctors office is I search for directions and include that in the notebook/folder (tool:the art of preparing... reducing anxiety)

Day of appointment

1. Grab your premade folder(tool: the art of preparing)
2. If you like music play some music on your way there or I love to bring some head phones and listen to my favorite music in the waiting room which is I think the worst part (tool:........ music- distraction!!!!)
3. In the appointment use your piece of paper talking about everything you want to cover/ that is concerning you. If you choke up you can even hand that piece of paper to the doctor and they can read it if you so choose. I've done that! (tool: the art of preparing)
4. If you are prescribed medications take them (as directed) For example I have a prescription for xanax, so I take it when I need it, which many times is a doctors appointment. Again only take as directed by your prescribing doctor. I am not a doctor. (tool:......... medication)
5. After the appointment when you get home (anytime) feel free to process in a journal or in art how you feel about what happened in the appointment. (tool: ..............journaling & art- reduces stress levels
6. Feel free to also take a bath with sea salts. I sell my own special "Milk, Oat and Honey Sea Salts" because I love it so much!(tool............. so much more you can do!)

Survivor Manual:How to get out of a panic attack! Part 1 & 2

I personally love doing this. It doesn't always work but usually it does. Now I also use it for PAIN! I have very sever chronic pain that I live with 24-7 365 and I'm on very strong meds for. This gives me a little distraction I would say from the pain I have. Once I was having major muscle spasms and they stopped in the middle of this tapping! Thank you Angela Shelton for learning this technique and sharing it with us. When I do it I don't tap so hard on my hand between my ring finger and my pinky as it hurts me because of my disease but It is still very much worth it. I think it is very important to do this in the order it is presented in and complete the entire process to "seal" the process. This is why I've posted it here for you to always come back to.

Thank you to all of those who donate to the Angela Shelton Foundation!