Vacation : Oil : Efficiency : Healing : Helping : Healing : Rescue

*********Please read the "Read Me" at the bottom of the page before reading this post. Thank you! :Huggles: ~Sydney Smith ************

      I just got back from a great vacation that was desperately needed for not only myself but my relationship with my lover. We went to a local, well... semi local beach and just did whatever we wanted. Other than being there with some other people we normally would choose not to hang out with it was great! The weather was perfect, we had a pool for the first time and a hot tub. I even got a little bit of sun for my vit D deficiency that I am suspected to have. We even splurged the first time in years and bought a nice seafood dinner! 1/2 pound of the following for my meal : clams, shrimp, crab legs! I surly could not eat it all and sadly had to leave almost half if it behind at the beach house w/ the other ppl to eat as we left a little early to beat some traffic. But the real point of this point other than to inform you of my absence once again (which I view as ok because it is self care and every one of you should be doing so- please please be taking good- no magnificent care of yourself because you are Angels! Don't forget who you are and what you deserve)
...... Again the point of this post is to tell you that this vacation really helped me heal even a little bit more and rejuvenated my very burned out and tired soul. I know many of you do SO MUCH for the cause let alone every thing you do for others such as your family members, friends, loved ones, and other survivors let alone the crap from random people. I want to let you know that taking a BREAK is a GOOD THING. It is HEALTHY for you and who you are trying to help in the first place esp.

      Why do you ask? I think it is kind of like running on really dirty rusty very very old engine oil. It still "works" but it definitely works a lot better. The car runs more efficiency, runs faster, and is much more reliable. The car is even cleaner and will have a longer, healthier life span. Some might say " So what I am doing just fine how I am right now, plus I don't have the money or time to go on any sort of vacation right now. I'm just to busy and poor and everyone needs me."

      Well I'll tell you, at least from my practice, if that is your response your in the most need of a vacation. Your holding up / supporting so much in your life that it can just suck someone bone dry in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. A respite / vacation is like a Rx for life if done right. Note: IF done correctly.

      They can be the "reset" button for your soul and mind so you are not weathered down to see the fossils that remain underneath your rock. It feeds light to your fire in backwards ways that you do not notice until much later if at all. It helps you be the you you wish and want to be. If you want and choose to help others so be it, this will help. If you wish to build another Eiffel tower it too will help.

      A respite / vacation is all about helping yourself FIRST. Yes you MUST HELP YOURSELF FIRST. If you are injured, not working well, efficiently, or are broken how will you do anything at all?? This is the ideology used in medicine when coming upon any medical scene. In order to help others you must first help yourself.  :Huggles: ~Sydney S.

*******READ ME PLEASE: I personally very much know how hard this(and all posts) is to take in and understand. This is all my opinion and is to be taken only as an opinion which every single person hase a valid equal one. I just write these posts in hopes my many years of  "experience" can mean something for at least one person. That will make me feel a lot better about all the crap I've been through. *************

A New Life Gift & Video/Blogathon

      Today my new and very first office of my own is in the final stages of drying before I can move in and really get myself organized and get to work in a private space. We've painted EVERYTHING, and even shampooed the carpet. Soon as I can I will be posting picture of before and during after I move in. I am so excited because it will be a place of my very own. MY OWN. My sanctuary.
      Here I will better be able to take care of myself and be more affective at working with my goals as an Army of Angels! Recently with my meds being changed or not shipped on time I've had problems esp when I'm in a lot of pain. but now I see so much light and I feel it warming my skin. I can close my eyes now and not worry so much all the time.
       I still worry as I always will until I reach a deeper level of healing, I will still hold my breath for half of the day as always. But this feels better than the overwhelming feelings I was having before that left me rendered almost useless. A smile is growing across my face and I like that. Also for those who know, things are settling down for the moment between me and my lover. We had a very very very rough patch, now its just rough, which is much easier. :SQUISHES: and :huggles: to all of you. You all are so powerful and special. Don't forget to go to the blogathon this weekend I'll be there over the late evening hours. The lovely Angel that is doing this is a wonderful person that I talk to all the time and is dear to me. Funny you are all so dear to me even if I don't talk to you. :huggles:
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      Don't forget to mark your calander for July 9-10th for my video/blog a thon and try to skip getting coffee 2 times from Starbucks. Remember how the management raped and employee? I haven't heard anything about how they are handling that which is bad HR so I've actually stopped going there all together. But if you save money from two coffees that is like $6- $7-$8 that you could easily donate that you would have already spent that month! I've already made a small donation just because of that. :D And I got a larger donation when I told someone else about that. If you think about it, if you just gave up one coffee a month.........thats $3-$4 bucks x 12........ = so much help to keep the Angela Shelton Foundation ALIVE. 

Pepsi Refresh Project - Vote EVERY DAY so ASF can win 25K to Produce 32 free videos for the public!

A gift from Steven Shires from Shires Photography

Another sweet gift that reminds me that men in this world are ok. Not all of them hurt. Some of them are just plain good people that blow you away but it could be because this person is from the South lol. I vote this person is just a great person. I love their family too!

 I think this should be a new AUU motto :)

Side note: my favorite thing about Shires Photography is that the work is actually ART. I am a semi-professional artist. In fact this year and esp in the next few months I will be putting my nose to the grind stone to prepare for and up coming show in July. I have always admired photography and even tried to dabble in it myself but I've never. ever. seen someone come out with a piece of photography like this Artist (yes that is what I believe this person should be called) does. It's different and I love that. The photos many times do not even look like photos and rather perfect paintings. The photos can bring you in and swirl your mind in the nature brought before your eyes. This is one of three photographers, really two that I consider to have the ART down in the entire US, one of them worked for National Geographic. But I shouldn't judge the art for you, you should have a look for yourself. From the work he has just done I really enjoy the waterfall series. Again it is Shires Photography and the link is on the Right hand side of my blog or you can click right on the title of this posting. I also had a photo shoot with Steven Shires and I couldn't be more happy with the results. Now... run along! lol go look! I can't wait to get more photos taken after I loose some more weight since I'm in less pain! He is worth the flight, drive etc

Honey Yummy Butter

I've modified this recipe from the book: The Healthy College Cookbook. Quick, Cheap. Easy. by Alanandria Nimeta. Jason Stanley. and Emelie Starr.

Orig. Res. (Came out too sweet, amongst other things)
    
      2 tablespoons of butter (salted)
      2 tablespoons of honey
      1 teaspoon of vanilla

MY Changes that got a yummy approval from two men......

      6 - to - 8 tablespoons of butter (salted)
     2 tablespoons of RAW honey
     1 teaspoon of vanilla

1. in a small saucepan warm the butter slightly. Add the money and vanilla. and mix well. (Make sure not to burn the butter other wise you will have to start over start all over!

2. You can use immediately or refrigerate for later use. If I happen to make A LOT then I will also freeze some also.

SERVINGS 6

 * I prefer it on freshly baked french loaf (with in 3 days old)
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(sorry I just read this after some sleep and this makes almost no sense- I guess that is what I get for blogging when I was falling asleep in the middle of my typing here on my blog lol)

----- I'm full of anxiety right now so that is why I've been up all night working on this blog and other things. I don't know how to make it stop :( I wish I could take some Xanax so that ld find a place of peace. But a place of real true peace. My head doc said that if my panic attacks get real bad again. I should call 911 or go to the ER because I could be having heart palpitations and is not going to make that go away. Right now I could NOT N. O. T. bring myself to do that because I hate doctors as you all know, and I don't want them to think I'm crazy per say. I'm really not. I just have a strong anxiety problem that is not under full control yet esp because a new medication is being shipped to me but won't be here for at least a half a week or more..... Anyways. Its not like writting about it will make it any better or talking about it I guess either ( I'm so negative right now during a panic attack lol). I found it just helps delay the intense moments I've been running from. Later I will read this and hate it because it was my anxiety monster talking and not me, the real me that I know(ugh right now it hurts to type this) is powerful!

TweetMic : I'm looking for guidance

Please listen to my Tweetmic ( and iphone app) >  | http://tmic.fm/rgrz6jgpuyo


I'm in the Army of Angels but this Angel needs some help right now.... I don't know what to do.... I don't even know what options exist

Photograph: Taken and edited by Sydney Smith, of Sydney Smith

Dear Survivors, Shit to poo its all good

I've noticed again many of you/us have hit another rough patch. It is either a pile of horse crap, (although I do love horses!) or a new pot hole that came out of no where on the highway and you were going 90. Well, bless you Angels. Bless you for all the crap you've been through and all the shit you will go through in the future. Bless you for the power you have obtained by having noses that are much more hard core than the average person and only typically take notice to the herd of skunks that just had a brazilian wax job in front of your nose. You are a warrior with your experience, knowledge and life skills. I've seen you take the horse shit and make it into a beautiful sculpture, then when cold light it for fire, then when it rains use it to help seal the shelter. I've finally come to realize that yes, shit might not shine, but it does have its purpose as poop. You ladies have figured out the 101 ways to use it and be beautiful people at the same time. I love you for that. Thank you for inspiring me to live on in this life with ever raining shit that I've learned to love and call poo.

If you enjoy my posts consider donating to the cause that saved me: http://www.firstgiving.com/sydneysmithaoa

Tired, drained emotionally

I know I am not alone when I find myself having the feeling that I am just completely drained, tired, and needing time to recover emotionally. On the path to healing their can be piles of shit laying in the road, which I do expect. In fact I have gotten used to the stench of crap on my shoes for a while now. But I have a shovel with me. When I can no longer walk over the piles of crap, I must, with my brute strength, use my shovel to clear my path. I remind myself that this is MY PATH, and no matter what "crap" may choose to lay in my way, I will over come it. Now I do not deny that some days I can not see over the mound and I stand there, just staring at it as if in awe. But then I am reminded after some time, and maybe even some tears, that I have acquired tools on my journey. Ones that can help me over come this giant load of crap before my eyes. I must believe and remember from past experiences that I am just a gosh darn powerful person. I have already been through so much in my life and I have SURVIVED. What is just one more pile of crap? Not much really, I've overcome so much, I CAN take on anything (as I believe any survivor can). It is just a matter of reminding myself how far I have come on my path of healing, how much I have endured, and that I am truly strong, powerful and importantly full of love.

Love push you much farther than most other things. This is why I am now working very hard on loving myself. If I truly love myself, what wouldn't I do for myself? I hope you will take on the mission of love your self more - their is no end to love..... and it makes us stronger.

I've been working so hard but not meeting the line I wish

      I know every event in my life has shaped me, for the good and bad. But those moments sometimes unfortunately, I take with me where ever I go, to whom ever I meet. It is a constant struggle to fight any event in your life that you wish not to affect you. My therapist told me you have to replace bad events and memories with positive ones. For example, if you are afraid of dogs from being scared by one in the past some how (in person on tv you name it), you need to replace that event with a positive experience such as a safe and happy experience with a sweet puppy.

      Right now I am working on replacing bad relationship experiences/ events from all sorts of people from family, significant others, co-workers, friends and even just random people you meet for just a moment in public. I have been trying to form better relationships through better communication, but I have found it to be very difficult. You may think you are communicating very very clearly, and attending to all of the others needs in your statement, but if the other person does not take it that way, it really does not matter at all what you said. The event might not go the direction you wish it too. This has been so frustrating but more it saddens me. I don't want to hurt anyone else, I was and am specifically trying to communicate as best as I can for the best out come, yet I can not read their mind and figure out before hand what mood they are in, if they are in a powerful or not powerful place of mind, and how they will take even a simplest most direct form of communication.

      Everyone has their own interpretation of EVERYTHING. I believe this is one of the sources of conflict. Two people may really agree on an issue, but they can not understand each others communication due to interpretation and reading into "what the other is really saying" if that is even the case.

      I just had an event like this with a very important person in my life. I was trying so very hard to communicate "properly" as that is something again I am working on, and this other person is supposed to be also. But the other person did not even take a moment in my eyes (though see here, I am reading into things which is kinda a no no) to see that their could be a miss communication. When I said their was a miss communication the person did not really believe me. This was heart breaking due to the content of the conversation and its impact on the other persons feelings expressed. I had no clue what to do. I had felt and still feel I did nothing wrong. I say next time I will try my best again to communicate in a way more adapted to this other persons "needs" which I believe are emotional.

      With this said, I think almost every conversation we have in life is some how misconstrued. Inflection, body language, tone, choice of words, and even apparently length of communication can disrupt a clear connection amongst many other things! I hope I better learn how to communicate along with the world as a whole. I believe "proper" communication can even and has saved lives. Think about peace treaties etc that have saved thousands and thousands of lives. All through the use of words. Very specific and well chosen words that were well excepted by ALL parties of the communication. If even just one of a communication phone line goes down, it creates a very unstable road leaving the rest of the communication balancing on an uneasy surface with potholes or worse, fear of total collapse.

Drink more

Dear self and others,

Please vow to drink more WATER! It can be flavored, tap, purified or whatever, it just needs to be water. Most people in the us are chronically dehydrated. I know personally I am one of them. If you are thirsty, that means you are already dehydrated. Plus it will help you loose weight by keeping you feeling full and helping your body get rid of toxins along with keeping your digestive track moving. If your pee is ever yellow your dehydrated....

p.s. self and others- don't forget to use reusable water containers instead of plastic bottles and plastic or paper cups. If you have to use cups at a party use paper because they are a renewable resource. Plastic is made from oil..... oil= war right now :( I must remember

Let Me Sleep......

"Oh won't you just,..... Let me sleep?"- anonymous lyrics from a beautiful song

I am so happy to let you all know that I am sleeping so so well! A family member of mine purchased multiple CD's for me from this program that has been around since I believe the 50's. It is called Hemi-Sync. @FromTracie I believe has tried it also and loves it too. I am getting very good sleep now for the first time.

My very crude definition from my family member is that through two speakers their are two different frequencies played. One through the right (for example at 81 Hz) and one through the Left ( ex. at 87 Hz). When your brain listens to both of them at the same time it tries to take both frequencies and sort of "sync's" them together by finding a freq. in between both of the frequencies so the brain can make sense of the sound. This requires the use of both of the Hemispheres of your brain and in a way reboots your brain. This is supposed to help you sleep ( very quickly- with in days or so of doing the program at night all night) and also reduced pain ( again all night but it can take longer for results from multiple days or longer).

My family bought it for me because many people who have HAD fibromyalgia used this program and have fully recovered. This I have to really meet these people for myself even if they did meet the person that was recovered because it just seems almost impossible that something this seemingly easy could cure something so devastating. But I am hopeful. I am having much success with MUCH better sleep, and so far I'm doing a little better on pain but not big enough to note yet.

So the reason why I'm sharing this with you is incase any of you are interested in trying this out. Now the people who have had the most success have gone to a retreat center and have been taught how to use these CD's / programs intensively. So maybe I am not getting the full result I should be because I have not gone to one yet. But I am hoping to go to the retreat center sometime within the next year so I can really give this a good try and see if it will fix my sleeping problems and my fibromyalgia.

By the way- since I've been using this program I've not been having as many nightmares which has been really cool!

Anyways you all are probably bored to death about this by now lol

but here is a link to the retreat center/ institute

The Monroe Institue

It's my choice

When something gets you down or frustrated at life, it is time to take a moment for yourself. And I don't mean just 5 seconds to breathe because that won't do anything but delay a break down or a blow up. How did I learn this? From breaking down and blowing up one to many times in front of people I care so much about.

Today I felt this way. I felt so angry and upset without due cause. And at a person that meant no harm to me. And I finally came to the realization that I needed to step away for MORE than just a second to breathe. I need REAL time to bring myself back, step into the light(I am NOT referring to God or anything like that) that I know will always be with me, see what I am missing in the situation, what is causing my frustration or saddness, and finally see if any of it is justified. Today it was not, the next time it might be, but justified or not it does not mean I have to be feeling badly. It is MY CHOICE. And it will always be my choice. What will your choice be today and tomorrow?

So I am very happy to realize that I really have a choice over being happy, mad, and even sad! = Power

Photo: By Sydney Smith of Sydney Smith

A tweet 3/13/2010 - A reflection on life

The "bad" things in life have shaped me and changed me but have not damaged me!-I've only become stronger(like a mountain shaped by ice) #Joy #AOA

Photo by me, Sydney Smith 2009

How do you feel beautiful?

Recently I've been having issues with the way I look. But then I settled down and found my light and saw that I really am beautiful in more than one way. I realized it doesn't matter if you have big thighs, or a big forehead, EVERYONE has something different about them that makes them who they are, even the super models I guarantee have something about them. They are characteristics that make us special. Yeah some times we don't like all of our special characteristics but I think if it does not negatively effect our health, we can learn to live and love our quirks and characteristics just as most people have different laughs!

With this realization, I am working on creating new neuropathways to love ALL of me.

So How do I feel beautiful? By appreciating all of my characteristics and turning to my internal light when I question that. My question to you is how to you feel and keep feeling beautiful?

How to get a job!

Feminists for Hire: Finding a Job After College (I think this applies to all job seekers)

From : http://feministcampus.blogspot.com/2010/03/feminists-for-hire-finding-job-after.html (retrieved on March 11, 2010 from the WWW)

With the mid-point in the semester upon us many students are suddenly met with the daunting question: "What next?!" Whether you're considering a job after graduation or a summer internship to gain additional skills and experience, doing your homework is still a requirement to landing the opportunity you've been waiting for.

Resume: I was once told by someone I had an informational interview with that only the President should have a resume more than one page. While some career centers differ with this advice, it's critical that you tailor your resume (whatever its length) to the job that you are applying for. Remember that there is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all resume and you should be sure to highlight your skills and experience that is relevant to the job/internship you are applying for.

Other tips: Consider developing an objective statement or one sentence sales pitch at the top of your resume. When listing your previous work experience don't forget to include your leadership with your feminist group on campus. Limit the number of bullet points (2-3) when listing your qualifications to include the most relevant skills and any quantifiable results.

Cover Letter: Your cover letter is your first introduction to your potential employer and is just as important (if not more) as your resume. Like the resume, tailor your cover letter for each job/internship you are applying for and always refer to the specific qualifications they are seeking and your experience that makes you such a qualified candidate.

Other tips: For some markets an out of town address can be a dead end for your application. If you are applying for a position in another location, particularly if it is a great distance away, consider asking any acquaintances in that area to use their local address on your resume. It may seem like a minor thing but given the competitive market and tightened budgets by many companies, factoring in moving costs could be a deal breaker.

Interviews: So you got the interview. Yes! Now the real work begins. Interviews are not only an opportunity for you to shine as a qualified candidate but also a chance to interview the organization to be sure it is the job/internship for you.

Before the interview: Do your research. Be familiar with not only the responsibilities of the position you are applying for but also the current projects and issues of the overall organization. Be sure to pack multiple hard copies of all requested materials (cover letter, resume, writing sample, etc.), develop a list of questions you want to ask the interviewer and a notebook to take notes during your interview. Dress the part. Business attire is normally your best bet. Remember: dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Plan for traffic, elevator outages, wrong turns (i.e. the things that always happen when you need to be somewhere important) and arrive 15 minutes early.

During the interview: Smile, make eye contact throughout the interview, and speak calmly and confidently. Sit up straight and pay attention to your body language throughout the interview. Potential questions the interviewer may ask include: why are you interested in this position, what are your strengths and weaknesses, what is your work style, why would you be an asset to this organization, or what was your greatest challenge and how did you overcome it? Don't feel pressured to answer each question right away and know that you can always ask for clarification. Think through your answers and always try to reference the skills and responsibilities of the position and your relevant experience.

End of the interview: Always have questions prepared for the interviewer. Potential questions include: describe my day-to-day responsibilities, do you offer any opportunities for professional development, what other staff will I work with most often, or how will my performance be evaluated? Be sure to ask about the next stage of the interview process and thank the interviewer for their time and consideration.

After the interview: Within the next 24 hours write a thank you e-mail to each person who interviewed you. Thank them for their time, express your interest in the position, and briefly reiterate your qualifications. Also attach any documents they may need to this e-mail, including your resume, writing samples, and references. Contact your references to re-confirm and alert them that they may be contacted by your interviewers. Make sure your references know the description position you have interviewed for, what makes you interested in the position, and any particular qualifications they should emphasize if contacted.

Other tips: Never underestimate the power of informational interviews! They will give you great advice, contacts and prepare you for the real deal. Find people whose jobs you want to have and send them an email. Ask for a 15 minute meeting (maybe over coffee?) to talk about their career. People love to talk about themselves and, in turn, you get loads of advice and (hopefully) connections! Also, visit your career center to practice a mock interview to fine tune your answers and develop your interview skills.

Networking: In such a competitive job market, making the right connections can make all the difference. Tap into your area alumni network and connect with networks for young professionals. Groups like the Women's Information Network (WIN) connect and support pro-choice women in the DC area and are replicated in other cities across the country. Bring your resume to the National Young Feminist Leadership Conference and talk to leaders of organizations that you want to work for. Network online by creating a LinkedIn profile. Upload your resume, get recommendations from past employers, connect with your contacts and get "introduced" to people online.

My last piece of advice for feminist job hunters is simple: tell everyone you know you are looking for a job! Take every opportunity to learn about what people are doing and sell yourself. Not in a cheesy way but in a, "oh, that's so interesting. I've actually done a lot of research about misogynist textbooks in grade schools, too" kind of way. The more people know you are looking for a job the greater the chance they will know someone who is hiring!

Finally, remember we need feminists in all sectors. If you're applying to law school, want to be a teacher or start your own business you can and MUST bring your feminist consciousness with you. Good luck feminists! Go forth and shake up the workforce!

http://feministcampus.blogspot.com/2010/03/feminists-for-hire-finding-job-after.html

a tweet of mine

"When growing in life their are speed bumps, it's just a matter of hitting them at the right speed and not breaking your car"

Old video - Breathing tech.

Having anxiety? Lets breathe together...

Old Nightmare help out video

Having a nightmare? This might be useful...

Meditation Video

An old meditation video.....to help with anxiety and much more!

Do you have problems when you see a person that looks very similar to your abuser?

Do you have problems like anxiety when you see someone that looks similar to your abuser(s)? I know this can be a very big issue for some people. It affected me also. When I was in college I was in a class and their was a guy in the class that looked very similar to mine and it really freaked me out. But now looking back I was testing my strength as a warrior and the power of my light.

I have not yet spoken of the power and importance of light. This is something that is very near and dear to my heart.

I believe that;

Everyone is born with this light (similar to a flame).
This light can never be lost as it is yours forever and no one can take it away. It is inside of you.
I fully recognize that this light during hard times may seem so faint that you might not be able to recognize it, but since it is forever burning, even if it is just an ember, you can rekindle your light and watch it grow.

I learned through pushing myself beyond my comfort level that I could handle these very uncomfortable situations. Yes at points I had to leave the room, but I did not think any less of myself because I was doing such a big thing by facing this fear of mine. By facing this fear I was also helping my light grow and therefore helping myself heal. So I know it might be uncomfortable, to the point of panic attacks, but you might consider just trying it and seeing how it goes remembering that if you leave it is completely ok. Yeah I said OK :). When I'm in anxiety provoking situations I make sure to use as many tools as I can ( see doctor appointment post) and or carry something small that is comforting like a stone or a ring that means something to me that I can concentrate on when I panic.