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I'm in the Army of Angels but this Angel needs some help right now.... I don't know what to do.... I don't even know what options exist

Photograph: Taken and edited by Sydney Smith, of Sydney Smith

2am....

Yes its after 2 am and I feel like that song by Anna Nalick. I'm working very late even if I did just get up from a 3 hour nap. My health has been really bad this and last week. One of my many doctors told me to go to the ER today/tonight really, but I so did not want to go so I didn't. I don't think my S.O. wants to or even should have to deal with this anymore. Once I get through this week things will get much easier.But I can't rust this week or I'll run around even more like a chicken with my head cut off lol. 


To myself as I tell often to others: " Take a deep breath, hold it, and someone, somewhere will believe me and understand as I do of others. 


Dear Angela Shelton and all of the AOA and followers: Thank you for supporting me all. You all  have kepted me going when it seemed to get to tuff! :) :) :)


PS. IF ANYONE KNOWS HOW TO DRILL A HOLE IN A USA COIN PLEASE LET ME KNOW!


Finally I will be putting together a Service Dog website someday for the SD (SD- service dog that I am going to get) I can not use Firstgiving bc its only for organizations etc but I'm not giving up hope because I had a week with my own dog as one in training and my life was completely different (for the better) but my dog failed out of the course lol. 

* Photo of me in Utah on the search for wild indiginous animals, but I ended up taking much more way than that

*spoiler aleart* to a new post

I just got back from the ER again, things went much better this time. Not as much as I would have preferred,  but the experience was MUCH better then the last one.

Next is that I set up an appointment with a new pain doctor.

After this my significant other got mad that he had to take time out of this schedule and pick me up from the hospital. As I had to drive myself bc when it is there he usually makes it worse and is just speedy gonzolaz trying to get home.

And Lastly I had a great easter egg hunt with my s.o.'s family. And again found many 4 leaf and even a 5, and a 6 leaf clover! So I now probably have about #600 collected/ picked. 

Lack of Motivation

Recently, well I guess for a long time now. I've been having issues with lack of motivation. Their are many reasons behind this, but its actually starting to annoy me now. Yet I do not know how to move past this speed bump. I've changed some medicines which has helped certain things in my life, but other things like the level of pain I live with still remain extremely high. It is also possible/ suggested that I have ADD ( recently told to me by a doctor). They say that is a reason why I might not be able to get things done as I would like to. I just don't know what to do now. I feel like I'm running into a wall and just bouncing off it multiple times. So this is leading me to a feeling that I have to say I can't commit to anything because of this wall right in front of me. :Frustrated: What to do..... Lists don't work, planning time in a day does not work esp because of my pain.... I just don't know. I am comforted in the knowledge that I am not the only one that has to deal with this issue as I know personally a few people with this same problem. Though a couple of them are on meds to help them. My doctor wants to put me on meds for my ADD but we can't until my anxiety(well panic attacks) goes away and I don't think that ever will so I feel stuck.

Anyways.... this was just another moment of me not doing what I really need to be doing ie writing my speech that is in less than a month :(

Speaking Engagement post 2ish ;p (My nervous thoughts)

Photo by Pixel Pro Shop-copyright 2009- all rights reserved see link on left! 

Ok, so it is LESS than a month until my very first speaking engagement and I am really freaking out now- no panic attacks though lol but so very excited at the same time. Unfortunately I don't think Angela Shelton will be there like I thought she was going to be but it will still be great because KimLeigh Smith will be there!

I have already started to work on my speech but I just found out a few min ago that they would like me to tell my story. I was going to kind of barely touch that and go into the healing - not dwelling in the past horrors. But they want me to speak for 15 min instead of 10-15 min so I really have to step up my game. So telling my story will give me more stuff to talk about, even though I feel like I could talk with people (I talk one on one for hours sometimes not as much recently) for hours.

Now I was never great in my university public communications class, due to my anxiety, but I have grown so much since then, and its been years, but I still carry that fear of making a fool of my self or not providing the company what they want. But I am an Angel now, and if I look like a fool I look like a fool, all I can do is prepare myself as best I can, and give my heart out.

I've had some people that I talk to been very kind and say that I am very good at talking about this stuff one on one. I just hope I can apply that to a large group. I have had wonderful people give me advice and offer to help me on this adventure too! So now, its time to jump head first into the water and learn how to swim.

One of the biggest tackles for me will be how to present my story and what to "edit," how to properly fill in the alloted time, and how to speak SLOWLY and clearly. Practice practice practice.

Photo by Pixel Pro Shop-copyright 2009- all rights reserved see link on left!

Speech for TBTN

Right now I'm working on my speech for TBTN. I took my vicodin because I'm in so much pain and it seems to be helping me a lot which is nice. I can think now which is great but then I'm mistyping a lot more now :p. Anyways I'm a little unsure of how to go about this speech. I know that they probably want to know my story, but what else are they exactly looking for? I have a lot to offer, its just a matter of getting it down. I can "say" some great stuff in my head when I'm not doubled over in pain. but again its getting from my head to the paper. I've tried Angela Shelton's recommendation of mind mapping for my book and for this speech, but just a second ago I did pretty well without a map. I just pictured myself actually at the event, with everyone there and just went with that. Though I did not go into my story. That is still one of the hardest things for me to do. Yes, I've shared my story many times, but not all at once and in great great detail. I make it more like a grocery list, like yes he did this this and this to me with no emotion attached. Like I need eggs, milk and bread. That is what a therapist told me once (that it was like a shopping list). But I do know how to connect with survivors because I do it all the time, and unfortunately, I don't have enough time to do it so some people feel horrible when I have to not talk to them as frequently as I did when they first came to me as a friend ( which is all I am - I am no professional). But I am trying to spread myself around so I can help everyone. That is why I kind of have stopped one on one and moved more to just blogging. Anyways that was a tangent. Yes, I feel uneasy and super excited about my speaking engagement along side Kim Lee Smith and Angela Shelton this Spring. I just hope I can pull it all together and deliver it well.

I know I will be talking about my theory on light and how everyone is born with it and how it never goes away. See my light post by clicking on light under lables. And I also want to talk about going from survivor to thriver, but I also want to acknowledge the truth of the hardships we have and still will go through, but how we have and still will come out stronger because of it.

Speaking Engagement!

I am happy to announce my first speaking engagement! It is on the East Coast and I will be on the stage along with Kim Lee Smith, and Angela Shelton! I can not wait for spring! It is at a TBTN event at on a college campus. Woot!!! I must practice practice practice! I will try to record it for you all