Why

NOTE: This posting has negative language in it. It is recommend that it be read by adult readers only.  This posting in no way is representative of the organizations that I support.




This is the year of why. Why the fuck this and why the fuck that. Really why the fuck anything. I usually answer "Just because" but that is not flying any more with me being in my mid twenties with my degree almost in my red hot hands and no job to be herd of or even thought of at this time. My psychologist ( I went with a psychologist this time because the many years of counselors and therapists seem to have gotten me no where so I though yes, Sydney go with the one with a bigger and better degree! Plus you have to pay them more so they have to be better right?????) says to me that I am in a "time of transitioning" and keeps on asking me what I'm going to do with my life. Time and time again I give him some bs answer ( oh yes, my lovely degree is in bs~Love it!) and he just gives me a frown. God dam I would tell him if I fucking knew! But I don't know. Why is that? Why don't I know where the hell I'm going and with who and for how long? I see other people around me in the same point of life ( now many they haven't had the "life experiences cough: being raped etc" like I have ) and they know where they are going and who they are doing. Literally. They are married. I want to be married. I've been in a mono relationship for 7+ years. 7+ years and now, just now we are in couples counseling. Now I love this person so much I believe that no one could understand but :sigh:

Now I would LOVE love to delve into this more but I don't know if my lover will take me if I were to do this. Maybe in the future as I'm trying to be more true on this blog now.

Anyways. So fuckin A. Fucking Y. Why did all of this crap happen to me a long time ago ( the stuff that lead me to Angela Shelton). Am I supposed to do something with it because right now I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job at any of that world. But at the same time I SOOO want to do something. I want to change something. But why?? Why this why that why anything at all?

This change in me being in mucho less pain for the majority of the time has opened my brain and my life again. Before it all I was a leader of men, yes of men. And I was very good at it. Hummm....So now I will just eat cake to dull this question for now.... yumm.